Is it ever ok to leave parent alone at Christmas?

I’d be honest with her tbh. She’s an adult and needs to know that she ruins Christmas and people don’t want to spend it with her. Maybe she will change or make an effort, maybe she’ll cut you off. Who cares? She’s not a child.

Honestly I would just not invite her and if she says anything, just say, "We assumed you would want to go abroad to see your favourite son, or to your friend who cooks the turkey better than we do, or to any one of your other friends who have the intellect to match your conversation and don't put on underwhelming spreads with cheap wine. I mean, when you think about it, I can't see why you would ever want to spend Christmas with us."

...it doesn't sound as if she enjoys the day.

If you don't ask her and she kicks off, simply say, "But you don't like coming. You're always ratty and miserable..."

More to the point, if he's alright with not asking her, it's really not up to you to tell him he's wrong. You might just have to feel guilty about it quietly, for everyone else's sake.

The more I think about it, the more it makes my skin crawl thinking of having Xmas day with her again. Is it bad if we do it every year? Are we obliged to see her atleast every other do you think?

Don't ever host her again would be my suggestion. Including non-Christmas arrangements. Why put up with someone's rudeness when you don't have to? No law that says you HAVE to invite anyone to your house.

I'm a strong believer in actions having consequences. If you're unpleasant to other people, expect other people to draw back and avoid you!

"she said my family just lack the intellect to match her conversation"

That comment is absolutely enough for your DH to use.

"We're spending Christmas Day with Famdramm's family. You've made it clear that you don't like them, so we will arrange to see you on Boxing Day instead"

And if she blusters and maintains that she fine with them, he brings up how rude he was to then last time, and quotes the above.

If she's awful and unpleasant, the natural consequences of that are her family doesn't want to be around her and spoil their holiday.

Sucks to be her.

Don't martyr yourself and make your kids' holidays unpleasant to cater to a nasty person. That's being a doormat.

We havent seen family on Christmas Day for the last few years. We are a blended family and it’s difficult enough for us working out when we will see our own kids and indeed our time with them is halved already anyway. So we have our Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day from midday is just me and DP.

I make this really clear to family including my own mother - who for the last couple of years has gone to my sisters. I know she wants to spend it with us, but unfortunately she also massively oversteps her time with us too - will arrive hours before we have asked her too and will also stay a lot longer than we want her to as well and tends to make her entire visit all about her.

So now we just make it us and the kids - because we put us and them first. You do you OP.

Agree. You aren’t doing this for her you are doing it to stop yourself feeling bad at the thought of it.

It's his call OP. Let him deal with it. He can have the conversation again with her about her behaviour and see if she can rein herself in for future Christmases. She has a year.

You aren’t obliged to go. Personally I wouldn’t go somewhere my children wouldn’t be happy as to me that’s the whole point of Christmas. I never visit my mother on Xmas and neither does my sibling. Even though she is incredibly rude to everyone she still manages to find friends to spend Xmas with so I’m sure your MIL will manage too.

If anything someone like that might even enjoy the opportunity to complain to other people about their cruel family abandoning them. You'd be doing her a favour.

I mean you could look at it this way, its pretty weird that we expect people to put up with horrible people that we wouldn't normally choose to spend time with because a particular combo of people decided to shag.

Agree. Why enable their behaviour simply because they’re family? Why have your Christmas ruined putting up with such people when they could be better and choose not to and worse double down.

It’s their own fault that their behaviour is so rude that no one wants to have them around and if they cared, they would stop but if people keep inviting them anyway, they are likely going to continue to see nothing wrong with it.

If she’s just a really awful person (no mh issues) then she reaps what she sows. I wouldn’t feel bad about not including her and I’d probably tell her why, if pressed.

Nope!!! That's enough to politely not invite. You clearly didn't enjoy it so we will see you a different day. The loudest person does not get to negatively impact everyone else's day.

Come on op grown a backbone
dont be a Maryter so someone that’s horrible to you and everyone else

she’s had loads of chances

if you do let her join in, give her a final warning that if she behaves that way again next year you’ll see her on New Year’s Day

don’t let her spoil it

Good lord not at all unresonable if you never ever spend another moment with her after that update

DH told her she was out of order for how rude she was to my family and no longer invited, she said my family just ‘lack the intellect to match her conversation’

In which case why would she even want to spend the day with those she considers so far beneath her?

If you must entertain her at all say you'll see her on Boxing Day instead and tell her exactly why, but do be prepared for a sudden "medical emergency" on Christmas Eve

Been there, done that

I mean you could look at it this way, its pretty weird that we expect people to put up with horrible people that we wouldn't normally choose to spend time with because a particular combo of people decided to shag. Your in laws had a quick fumble after Eastenders 40 years ago and now because of that she feels like she has the right to be horrible to people(your family) and still get invited back every year? Its SO WEIRD when you think about it. If you feel horrendous still, try telling yourself its an experiment and you aren't saying forever (right now) you are just experimenting with doing it this year - I find that helps me calm down a bit.

Don’t be a martyr, of course it’s ok to leave an unpleasant woman on her own at Christmas. Even her son doesn’t want her to come, so why should you bother? She’s alone because she’s rude and obnoxious, you reap what you sow and all that! Anyone who was rude about my family like that would not be getting an invite or a visit ever, let alone at Christmas!

Perhaps visit her on christmas eve and bring a cake to share.

Christmas is just one day.

Plan a new year brunch with her or something.

With those comments having been made, you don’t ever need to invite the cow again.

Of course it’s okay 👍

Sadly my brother is usually on his own over Christmas. No one else will host him, so it was always left to me, but even I ran out of patience in the end

It would take an awful lot for me to leave someone alone at Christmas. What you described in your second post would be more than enough. She isn’t even trying to deny being rude. The things she says would be rude to anyone including people who have higher IQs than she has. She just likes hurting people and ruining the day.

I would turn it round on her and say that you will no longer be subjecting her to your lower intellects and trust she will find a more pleasing way to spend Christmas.

Let the nasty cow pull her own cracker.