To think he’s perhaps financially abusive? Or just does care about me?

This is very difficult to follow.

you live together and have five children together, but ther3 is two houses, and you squabble over a pound for a drink?

why are there two houses, how are you paying so much when you don’t work where does the money come from? Why are you both spending 1200-1800 a month on food buf argue over a can of monster?

Start making a plan. You'll probably be entitled to a council house. Go on the CMS calculator and find out what he'd have to give you. Put that together with what you earn - would you be able to manage? Talk to Women's Aid. Don't discuss what you're planning with him.

Yeah I'm totally confused. She spends £1600 a month on groceries as a household but only had £60 left for food for the week - £20 of which she sent him? Something doesn't add up. I thought the 2 mortgages and a muffin deal at spoons was suspicious but then I saw the maths!? Also the selling the bike while he worked away and giving someone a few hundred (while the kids starved and £1300 cash was stashed away for him the other room)....sounds more like drug money.

I'm unsure that OP works at all?

the OP said that she wants to work FT which suggests that she currently works part time.

If you don't have a job, how are you paying all the bills? Are you on benefits? Are they in your name? It could make leaving easier if they get paid directly to you

Financial, emotional and verbal abuse do not involve hitting people.

Sexual coercion, or coercive behaviour in other areas do not involve hitting people.

You are being abused. Trust me.....ask me how I (and sadly many many others on MN) know.

Womens Aid will absolutely be a good starting place for you, they will not think that you are a making a fuss. The only issue is getting through as they are (again, sadly) very busy, but do keep trying.

From the Womens Aid website....THEIR OWN WORDS.

Psychological and emotional abuse
Psychological and emotional abuse can be difficult to describe or identify. It’s when a perpetrator uses words and non-physical actions to manipulate, hurt, scare or upset you. Some examples of emotional and verbal abuse are:
Screaming and shouting at you
Mocking you, calling you hurtful names or using derogatory words about you
Sulking or refusing to talk or be kind until you do something they want
Making you doubt your own sanity. This is known as gaslighting. A perpetrator may gaslight you into thinking that you are remembering things wrong or that you are misinterpreting things, later making you believe their version of events is true. This behaviour is often used to manipulate.
Threatening that they will destroy something, hurt you or commit suicide
Threatening to report you to the police, social services or a mental health team if you don’t do what they say
Telling you that they’re sorry, that it isn’t abuse
Telling you that you deserve or cause the abuse
Threatening to kill or harm you and/or your children

There are also other examples on there including coercive control, financial abuse and sexual abuse.

ETA....Sorry, forgot to add the link to their website, you will find a lot of helpful information on there. www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/im-not-sure-if-my-relationship-is-healthy/

I'd be starting to care less what a person like that thinks of my character. He's got you focused on pleasing him and wanting him to think well of you (as all abusers train their partners to do), rather than looking at him and how he operates in the world. Start to make your plans, get some work, stash some money away and get out of there.

Surely you know if he does the food shop or not? Does he come home with £600-£800 worth of food?

Anyway I was going to suggest you try and skimp to save some of the £1,600 separately if possible but it sounds like it’s not.

Check what benefits you could claim on the entitled.to website, and see what rent prices are like in your local area.

Is he self employed? If not then put his salary into the child maintenance calculator to see what you’d get from that (probably a decent chunk as he sounds like a high earner plus you’d be claiming for 5 kids). Child maintenance isn’t considered income for purposes of universal credit so you’d have your wage, plus any universal credit you’re entitled to, plus child maintenance.

There are lots of different types of abuse. And you are being financially abused by the sounds of it.

He is paying a mortgage, that’s investing in an asset. You are buying things which are consumed and will end up destitute if you carry on

He is deliberately screwing you over by doing this. If you tell him you have cottoned on to his bullshit you currently have no options.

You ARE trapped. You can get out but you will need help.

Someone can still subject someone to domestic abuse without ever hitting them.

Do you do the food shop OP?

If you become homeless as a result of domestic abuse, you are a priority to be housed by the local authority, WA can help with that.

ETA to clarify, that includes leaving to escapes domestic abuse, it doesnt just mean him chucking you out.

Don’t argue with him. There’s no point. Disengage. Of course he’s going to say that. He wants to undermine you at every turn

Go and go and get help as set out by others. Don’t let him know and don’t let him see this thread

Don’t discuss it with him. Help is available, eg Women’s Aid. As set out above by previous posters

You need to improve your financial position. He’s screwed you over big time. But you can improve things for yourself.

The housework is not important. Your immediate priority is getting more money into your account.

Money will give you options

I’m shocked he’s your partner and father of your kids! It sounds more like a flatmate relationship, but not really because it would be rude to go up to the bar and not offer your mate a drink if you were having one! And clearly here he should have got you one since you barely have any money by the sounds of it.

you definitely must stop transferring him amounts of money. He does sound abusive if he ‘kicked off’ in public over the price of a drink in a wetherspoons!!

you need to make a long term plan, find a job and put money away, do NOT mention it to him. Get real life help from family or women’s aid and get out of this harmful and humiliating life!! He sounds horrible op, you deserve a lot better.

This sounds absolutely mad OP, you’ve got five children together (although you refer to them as “my children” rather than “our children”).

You spend £1,600 on groceries (how??) but quibbling over a second drink at Wetherspoons after struggling to feed the kids. He does want your eldest to have energy drinks (probably fair enough) so you get him to buy a certain deal so you can bring the energy drinks back for your child. You independently have access to money but can’t buy yourself a drink at Wetherspoons.

None of it makes sense but regardless the relationship sounds shit. Get yourself financially secure then leave.

You know the answer here @fuckhimintheear .

Life is precious and deserves to be lived well.
Yiu deserves better, your children deserve better.

For the sake of your DC, you need to want more for yourself and to get out of this situation. If you are not married you have no claim on either house and he can kick you out at any time. He is accumulating assets at your expense as you are covering the bills.

Speak to women’s aid and shelter. Getting yourself out and in a position where you can focus on improving your financial position, saving for retirement should be a priority. This guy is awful and knows exactly what he is doing. He us choosing this behaviour. So he will never change.

The issue is OP he could throw you out whenever he wants.