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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not allow SIL to take my child unsupervised

87 replies

BeHeartyFox · 15/09/2025 19:06

Hey,

I am struggling with how to navigate family life after my child was abused by inlaws child. (13 year age gap between children).
This happened a number of years ago, our family life with extended family members broke down and we do not have much contact.
I have protected my child and it was reported to SS at the time. In-laws minimised abuse and mostly expected to carry on family life as normal etc and did not respect my boundaries (supervising kids, open doors etc). I couldn't deal with this so only see them when I have to. This includes my children and they do not have much contact with those in-laws apart from birthdays and Christmas, never without me or their dad.

Recently, my SIL randomly attempted to take my child on outings alone. This was suggested to my child without asking me or dad first.
I think this is because the child is older now and interested in similar things.
I am not comfortable with this as in my opinion my SIL is not a safe adult to take my child due to her inability to respect my boundaries after the abuse.

DH is fine with SIL taking child on outing. Her child that abused ours would not be present.

Am I being unreasonable to say no? I feel very strongly about this.

OP posts:
SunshineAndFizz · 15/09/2025 21:02

TappyGilmore · 15/09/2025 20:34

You haven’t said how old the child is, but if the abuse happened “a number of years ago” I’m assuming that they’re not very young. So while your thoughts and feelings are totally valid, at some point the child will need to be allowed to make some decisions themselves about who they spend time with and what they do with them.

Don’t be ridiculous. An abused child, by a relative - are you really saying the parent can’t make a decision here?! If the child wants to go, would you let them?!!

thequeenoftarts · 15/09/2025 21:00

Regardless of the nature of abuse, it was abuse and serious enough to be reported to SS, and who is to say she is not attempting to groom your younger child for her maybe child/teen/adult child. Who is to say that child/teen/adult wont abuse the next child in line. Hell would freeze over first let me tell you

SunshineAndFizz · 15/09/2025 21:00

Fuck. No.

Tell SIL to do one.

Cherrysoup · 15/09/2025 20:59

I really cannot understand why you have contact with sil, obviously the abuse would make me keep a massive distance, but everything else you’ve said would make me go completely nc. Your Dh is entitled to have a relationship with his family, of course, but you and your dc don’t need to be polite and have contact. They minimised the abuse! They can fuck off, frankly. Of course your sil doesn’t get unsupervised contact with your child, but why would you pander and go out with her? I’d run a bloody mile.

Foragingfox · 15/09/2025 20:53

I’ve got an aggressive manipulative sibling, and she has tried a few times to suggest outings when I’m visiting my parents that only she can go on, ‘there’s no space in the car’ (for me) but there is for her and my kids. It’s about SIL wanting to be vindicated as decent rather than wanting to spend time with your kid.

Erm no, yanbu. Why on earth would you let your kids out with someone you know to be off? There’s no need is there?

take the family relationship out of it - would I let any adult I didn’t fully trust take my kid out? No. It’s that simple.

if they’re a young adult who is completely solid in their boundaries and tells you everything - it’s likely to be ok - but still…why the need to exclude you?

MarxistMags · 15/09/2025 20:44

No bloody way !

BruFord · 15/09/2025 20:42

TappyGilmore · 15/09/2025 20:34

You haven’t said how old the child is, but if the abuse happened “a number of years ago” I’m assuming that they’re not very young. So while your thoughts and feelings are totally valid, at some point the child will need to be allowed to make some decisions themselves about who they spend time with and what they do with them.

Yes, but if they’re under 18, the parents still need to be aware of what they’re doing and who they’re with. It’s totally inappropriate for an older adult to ask a child/teenager on an outing without talking to their parents first. This isn’t a couple of teenagers arranging to hang out at the park.

It doesn’t matter that she’s the auntie either, she still needs to ask the parents.

Presumably the child told their parents about the invitation -thank goodness they’ve been taught to do this.

TappyGilmore · 15/09/2025 20:34

You haven’t said how old the child is, but if the abuse happened “a number of years ago” I’m assuming that they’re not very young. So while your thoughts and feelings are totally valid, at some point the child will need to be allowed to make some decisions themselves about who they spend time with and what they do with them.

Soontobe60 · 15/09/2025 20:29

BeHeartyFox · 15/09/2025 20:03

They are still my DH family. My children do not have unsupervised contact with SIL family.

Show quote history

Was this directed by social services? Surely the perpetrator was arrested? How old were the victim / perpetrator?

GrannyGoggles · 15/09/2025 20:26

No contact. At all ever. I was sexually abused by my uncle (married to my maternal aunt) and my cousin, his son. I didn’t disclose. Life long impact.

No contact, ever, at all. Protect your child

WeNeedToTalkAboutIT · 15/09/2025 20:25

She's STILL not respecting boundaries. Absolutely no way.

Original poster
BeHeartyFox · 15/09/2025 20:24

Lostworlds · 15/09/2025 19:10

No I fully understand why you’re hesitant to this suggestion. If she approached you and your dh and suggested an outing then it would have given you time to think about it and discuss it . I assume she mentioned it directly to your child which is unfair as your child will want to go.

They need to respect your boundaries. What’s happened is awful for everyone involved, including your SIL but that doesn’t mean she has any say on what boundaries you have created.

Definitely not unreasonable to say no.

She asked my child on outing Infront of their sibling too, who she left out. Sibling would have been more age appropriate for the outing (same age as her own other child, who did not want to go).
She shows major favouritism to one of my children. A pattern over years and not one off.

Yes it was awful for their family too, we had a conversation as such. However things fell apart, I soon became the problem for sticking to boundaries etc.

OP posts:
BruFord · 15/09/2025 20:23

Keep talking to your child and ensure that they understand the reasons for the boundaries, I.e. to keep them safe.
Your SIL sounds like a complete weasel after your latest update.

Tubestrike · 15/09/2025 20:20

How did your sil contact your child? Was it directly or via a third person? Either way it would be a no from me . And family or not, I'm surprised your husband still wants contact with them.

Original poster
BeHeartyFox · 15/09/2025 20:19

stayathomer · 15/09/2025 19:12

Do you mean actual physical abuse op? How are they allowed around them at all?

I would rather not go into detail. As I said in post, I reported to SS.
They are not around them unsupervised.
It has been infrequent contact until SIL recent interest in one of my children.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeHeartyFox · 15/09/2025 20:17

ThreenagerCentral · 15/09/2025 19:26

I’ve said YANBU because your feelings are valid. I do think there are some more facts that would be useful though, such as how old is your child now? Do they want to do the activity? If they’re an older teenager and feel safe, I might be tempted to let them. It gives the power back to your child.

That is true and I feel guilty for not wanting to allow that.
For more context and reasons for my not wanting my child to be alone with SIL

  1. Not respecting my boundaries/minimising abuse
  2. Shows obvious favouritism between my children, Infront of them. This affects my youngest who notices.
  3. Speaks horribly of her other young nephews and their parents.
  4. Speaks ill of me to her children (her youngest let slip a few things mum had said. SIL blamed child and said she was lying.)

If my husband were to go on the outing with them then I'd accept that. However he does not, I facilitate the outing by attending with my children.

OP posts:
allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 15/09/2025 20:14

@BeHeartyFox OP Was this physical abuse?? where was sil at the time if she was meant to be watching them?? what did ss say? If I was you it would be a big fat NO!! your dh and all your in laws should not be pushing this!

Original poster
BeHeartyFox · 15/09/2025 20:08

Tagyoureit · 15/09/2025 19:14

Nope, never in a millions years would i allow that and I wouldnt even be on speaking terms with SIL!!

If they were not DH family I would not have wanted to keep in contact.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeHeartyFox · 15/09/2025 20:06

Keroppi · 15/09/2025 19:17

No and I would be clear with your child about why specifically they are not safe adults (ignoring boundaries etc unsafe behaviour) and what happened to them, if they are comfortable chatting about it.

Time to get interested in whatever it is your child is into and accompany them yourself or offer to take out a friend of your child's as a treat.

Thanks Keroppi.
We do this and I have an amazing relationship with my kid.

SIL inserts herself.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeHeartyFox · 15/09/2025 20:03

stayathomer · 15/09/2025 19:12

Do you mean actual physical abuse op? How are they allowed around them at all?

They are still my DH family. My children do not have unsupervised contact with SIL family.

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 15/09/2025 20:00

How old is your child OP? Not saying it should make a difference, but with you saying a number of years ago, is your child a young adult now?

BruFord · 15/09/2025 19:56

Recently, my SIL randomly attempted to take my child on outings alone. This was suggested to my child without asking me or dad first.

The fact that she tried to do this without asking the parents first is a huge red flag IMO. How dare she do that, it’s absolutely not on.

Plus the previous history-I completely agree that she should never take your child on outings. I’m fuming on your behalf that she tried to sneakily do this. 😤

Honestly, what's wrong with people who think that they have “the right” to spend time with someone else’s child (regardless of what the parents think- and/or behind their backs)??

MadeForThis · 15/09/2025 19:52

If anyone in our family minimised the abuse of my child they would never see them or me again.

CharlieKirkRIP · 15/09/2025 19:52

I’m suspicious of her motive. If her child hurt yours which causes the family rift, why is she so keen to get your child alone now?

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 15/09/2025 19:48

If she's happy to try to sneak around your rules to ask your child directly, I wouldn't trust her at all not to have her child present at some stage. She sounds like the sort of personality that would have to be 'right' and prove her child is not a problem, at the expense of your child's safety. - 'oh, I had to pop home to get my handbag' 'they were nearby so met us for lunch' 'your DC needed the toilet so we had to go home'

Frankly I'd have nothing to do with any of them if they were so dismissive about what happened.

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