Page 2 | To not allow SIL to take my child unsupervised

BeHeartyFox · 2025-09-15T18:06:08+00:00

Hey, I am struggling with how to navigate family life after my child was abused by inlaws child. (13 year age gap between children). This happened a number of years ago, our family life with extended family members broke down and we do not have much contact. I have protected my child and it was reported to SS at the time. In-laws minimised abuse and mostly expected to carry on family life as normal etc and did not respect my boundaries (supervising kids, open doors etc). I couldn't deal with this so only see them when I have to. This includes my children and they do not have much contact with those in-laws apart from birthdays and Christmas, never without me or their dad. Recently, my SIL randomly attempted to take my child on outings alone. This was suggested to my child without asking me or dad first. I think this is because the child is older now and interested in similar things. I am not comfortable with this as in my opinion my SIL is not a safe adult to take my child due to her inability to respect my boundaries after the abuse. DH is fine with SIL taking child on outing. Her child that abused ours would not be present. Am I being unreasonable to say no? I feel very strongly about this.

Anyahyacinth · 15/09/2025 22:59

SunshineAndFizz · 15/09/2025 21:02

Don’t be ridiculous. An abused child, by a relative - are you really saying the parent can’t make a decision here?! If the child wants to go, would you let them?!!

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Particulary when grooming and love bombing behaviour is a trait of abuse an adult needs to step in and protect a child who can’t see the full picture from limited life inexperience

BluePeril · 15/09/2025 22:58

I’m puzzled about your priorities, OP. Your child was abused by a member of your ILs’ family, but you’re talking about favouritism and speaking unpleasantly about people behind their backs etc — stuff that seems very minor. Why does your DH want to continue contact with people who were responsible for his child being abused?

Notatallanamechange · 15/09/2025 22:47

BeHeartyFox · 15/09/2025 22:06

Sorry I've not made it clear.

The past abuse and the families refusal to fully accept and respond appropriately to boundaries and safe guarding is the main reason for my children having no unsupervised contact.

The abuse was not the parents fault, however they did not seek help for their child or accept my safeguarding rules.

I went on to list other reasons for believing why SIL is not a safe adult to allow my children alone time with. Favouritism between my children.

To make it clear, I am not ok with her having alone time with my kids.

It was still hurtful of her to show clear favouritism to one and exclusion of the other.

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Thank you for explaining. Could I ask why you haven’t involved the police? Is that the family influence?

Original poster

BeHeartyFox · 15/09/2025 22:32

RawBloomers · 15/09/2025 22:30

I’m mainly inclined to think I’d be in the “over my dead body” camp if I were in your shoes. But I’m wondering if there’s a different but reasonable perspective.

Why is your DH okay with this? How old is your DC now? How would DH characterize the abuse, what happened after in terms of ignoring boundaries and your SiL’s sudden, recent interest in one favoured child?

Is it ok to PM as some info could be very outing?

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Original poster

BeHeartyFox · 15/09/2025 22:30

GrannyGoggles · 15/09/2025 20:26

No contact. At all ever. I was sexually abused by my uncle (married to my maternal aunt) and my cousin, his son. I didn’t disclose. Life long impact.

No contact, ever, at all. Protect your child

I'm so sorry this happened to you xxx

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RawBloomers · 15/09/2025 22:30

I’m mainly inclined to think I’d be in the “over my dead body” camp if I were in your shoes. But I’m wondering if there’s a different but reasonable perspective.

Why is your DH okay with this? How old is your DC now? How would DH characterize the abuse, what happened after in terms of ignoring boundaries and your SiL’s sudden, recent interest in one favoured child?

MaggieFS · 15/09/2025 22:24

I think even without the horrendous back story, I’d be mighty pissed off at someone suggesting something to one DC, excluding another and all behind my back so I have to pick up the fall out. It’s sneaky and any reasonable grown up with kids knows it’s not acceptable.

Original poster

BeHeartyFox · 15/09/2025 22:19

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 15/09/2025 20:14

@BeHeartyFox OP Was this physical abuse?? where was sil at the time if she was meant to be watching them?? what did ss say? If I was you it would be a big fat NO!! your dh and all your in laws should not be pushing this!

SS were not helpful.
No SIL was not supposed to be watching them at the time.
My child was very young and is not aware of what happened. Only knows that their cousin is not a safe person to be around.

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Original poster

BeHeartyFox · 15/09/2025 22:15

Livelovebehappy · 15/09/2025 20:00

How old is your child OP? Not saying it should make a difference, but with you saying a number of years ago, is your child a young adult now?

They are a young adolescent. Very trusting personality and see the good in everyone.

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Original poster

BeHeartyFox · 15/09/2025 22:14

BruFord · 15/09/2025 19:56

Recently, my SIL randomly attempted to take my child on outings alone. This was suggested to my child without asking me or dad first.

The fact that she tried to do this without asking the parents first is a huge red flag IMO. How dare she do that, it’s absolutely not on.

Plus the previous history-I completely agree that she should never take your child on outings. I’m fuming on your behalf that she tried to sneakily do this. 😤

Honestly, what's wrong with people who think that they have “the right” to spend time with someone else’s child (regardless of what the parents think- and/or behind their backs)??

Edited

This is how I feel about it.

I would never dare speak to any of my nieces/nephews about taking them somewhere etc without first asking their parents.

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Original poster

BeHeartyFox · 15/09/2025 22:12

CharlieKirkRIP · 15/09/2025 19:52

I’m suspicious of her motive. If her child hurt yours which causes the family rift, why is she so keen to get your child alone now?

I don't know, I find it incredibly weird/strange too.

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Original poster

BeHeartyFox · 15/09/2025 22:10

Scarlettpixie · 15/09/2025 19:37

Why does your SIL have access to your child. I would be a no from me (based on the info provided).

We saw them because of another family members celebration.

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Original poster

BeHeartyFox · 15/09/2025 22:09

Motnight · 15/09/2025 19:31

It's the fact that your sil directly contacted your child to suggest going out and didn't go through you that is really worrying. I'd say no.

It made my blood boil. I just feel that it was very intrusive of her.
For context, we hadn't seen her in 6months before then. She is not involved with the kids in any other way, or has ever had them for a day out etc.

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Original poster

BeHeartyFox · 15/09/2025 22:06

Notatallanamechange · 15/09/2025 21:55

I’m really struggling to understand this. Your child was abused by a cousin? Social services involvement but never taken to the police? And you still see the family? And are annoyed that she left your other child out of an invite?

None of this makes sense. Sorry but you’re clearly omitting key information. No parent would keep their child in contact with someone who physically abused them and then complain that the slight on your younger child was not being invited somewhere.

Sorry I've not made it clear.

The past abuse and the families refusal to fully accept and respond appropriately to boundaries and safe guarding is the main reason for my children having no unsupervised contact.

The abuse was not the parents fault, however they did not seek help for their child or accept my safeguarding rules.

I went on to list other reasons for believing why SIL is not a safe adult to allow my children alone time with. Favouritism between my children.

To make it clear, I am not ok with her having alone time with my kids.

It was still hurtful of her to show clear favouritism to one and exclusion of the other.

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Notatallanamechange · 15/09/2025 21:55

I’m really struggling to understand this. Your child was abused by a cousin? Social services involvement but never taken to the police? And you still see the family? And are annoyed that she left your other child out of an invite?

None of this makes sense. Sorry but you’re clearly omitting key information. No parent would keep their child in contact with someone who physically abused them and then complain that the slight on your younger child was not being invited somewhere.

Everyonesawher · 15/09/2025 21:50

Your SIL sounds emotionally violent. Her words and actions will deeply impact your DCs. I wouldn’t have her near my family.

Looks to be that she’s seeking revenge or vindication - she wants the scalp - she will post this all over social media to prove her innocent and who knows if they will ‘accidentally’ bump into the older DC.

Your DH is from a toxic, enmeshed, dysfunctional family - his own judgement is way off due to his up bringing and trying to keep the peace.

He is wrong - you need to pick up his job here as well as your own to protect your DC (both of them) - I wouldn’t give a flying fuxk if my ILs dissed me - the priority is protecting your DCs emotionally and physically - no compromises no risk. Massive boundaries. Hold on to your power.

Your SIL is self serving.

BruFord · 15/09/2025 21:45

TappyGilmore · 15/09/2025 21:36

Um I think you are the one who is ridiculous, when OP hasn’t provided any indication of the age of the child, but her post suggests that it is an older child. Are we talking about a preschooler? Hell no, I wouldn’t let them go. Are we talking about a 16 year old? It probably wouldn’t be a blanket “no”. It would be more about having a conversation with the child about risks, choices, etc.

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@TappyGilmore So you’d be fine with your 16-year-old going on an outing with someone older whom you didn’t trust?

DelphiniumBlue · 15/09/2025 21:40

Why does she need to take your DD out without you? She’s saying her own DC won’t be there but don’t you think it’s really weird ( creepy) that she’s even suggesting this. What point is she trying to make? That she can do what she wants ?
She’ll be getting her DC there soon as she can, she’ll say it’s time you were all one big happy family , what are you making such a fuss about?
TBH, I wouldn’t let my DD near the abuser, or the abuser’s parents.

SunshineAndFizz · 15/09/2025 21:39

TappyGilmore · 15/09/2025 21:36

Um I think you are the one who is ridiculous, when OP hasn’t provided any indication of the age of the child, but her post suggests that it is an older child. Are we talking about a preschooler? Hell no, I wouldn’t let them go. Are we talking about a 16 year old? It probably wouldn’t be a blanket “no”. It would be more about having a conversation with the child about risks, choices, etc.

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Even at 16, it wouldn’t be a blanket no?!

I can say with 100% confidence my 16 would not be allowed anywhere with that family.

TappyGilmore · 15/09/2025 21:36

SunshineAndFizz · 15/09/2025 21:02

Don’t be ridiculous. An abused child, by a relative - are you really saying the parent can’t make a decision here?! If the child wants to go, would you let them?!!

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Um I think you are the one who is ridiculous, when OP hasn’t provided any indication of the age of the child, but her post suggests that it is an older child. Are we talking about a preschooler? Hell no, I wouldn’t let them go. Are we talking about a 16 year old? It probably wouldn’t be a blanket “no”. It would be more about having a conversation with the child about risks, choices, etc.

ComfortFoodCafe · 15/09/2025 21:28

Fuck that - not a chance in hell.

Florenceandthemaniac · 15/09/2025 21:28

I would completely cut her off, I'm surprised that your DH is willing to let his sister have anything to do with your children at all.

GOd knows what she'd say to your DC if she was alone with her/him - could she be trying to get them to say that the abuse by her son never actually happened.

So sorry you've got such shitty in-laws. As others have said, this is an opportunity to let your DC know that their aunt crossed boundaries and you don't trust them.

CoconutDaisyCloud · 15/09/2025 21:18

I’m so sorry - I accidentally clicked that you’re being unreasonable when you’re absolutely not 🫣

Coldnightsapproachingwhereismyduvet · 15/09/2025 21:10

Imo your sil should never even be in a room with your dc. Fuck the faaaamily line.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/09/2025 21:04

BeHeartyFox · 15/09/2025 20:03

They are still my DH family. My children do not have unsupervised contact with SIL family.

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That makes it even worse! What’s wrong with your husband that he’d have anything to do with people who’ve abused or minimised abuses of his own child?! Why have you allowed it?