Is a 12 year age gap ok?

I have a 12 year age gap with my husband. I was 21, he was 33 (I met him when I was 19 though) when we got together. He’s been an emotionally and financially abusive cunt since we had our first child. I realise now that he choose me because I was young and inexperienced. When I was 33, the idea of a 21 year old partner was disgusting to me. There were so many power imbalances.

At your age, there aren’t the same power imbalances, you both have fully formed adult brains, etc. So it’s less risky.

That said, the older he’s got, the more I realise we are too different. Since he turned 50, he never wants to go anywhere so he just stays in watching tv. I on the other hand do everything with the kids, I’m the one to go out to places, etc.

I wouldn’t recommend an age gap to anyone.

I think it’s fine at the moment as you’re both ‘proper’ adults. Eg the 12 year maturity gap between 18 and 30 is cavernous. Whilst anything can happen to anyone, the gap will become cavernous again when you are older. I have a friend of 60, still working and healthy, who is now basically caring for her husband of 75 who has age related health ailments and who mentally aged rapidly in his retirement. He’s now an elderly man whilst she’s still in good years, very likely that she’ll be widowed early and spend retirement alone. It’s not a guarantee but not bloody easy.

My husband is 12 years older than me. I still get butterflies when I'm due to see him or he rings. We've been together 16 years.

If it bothers you then stop it before you get in too deep.

My DH and I have a ten year gap, this year we turned 50/60. Hubby does karate training for 2.5 hrs twice a week and tai chi for 2 hours once a week. I walk and swim occasionally. We are putting together an adventure holiday this December which will include zip lining, river tubing, snorkelling on the great barrier Reef, hot air ballooning and horse riding as well as crocodile cruises and a stay in the daintree rainforest that is totally offgrid. Age is just a number! I'm a shame so am looking forward to his retirement, where we are planning to do a lot more travelling and adventuring 😁😁😁

My DH is 10 years older than me. It's fine. The gap does seem bigger as you get older though

Sounds like it's been a success for you yes?

@WhiteRosesAndThistles , I'd have said that the age gap was too big. He's old enough to be your father (give or take a few months).

I met my now husband when I was 20 and he had just turned 36. I am interested in what your reply would have been?

This.

I’m 49, my partner is 70. We get along great.

It’s a personal decision but I probably wouldn’t.

If you want kids then potentially it’s an issue, and looking forward to retirement he will be retiring a LOT sooner than you unless you have sufficient funds to join him so your lives will look very very different.

I think Ok given your respective ages.

My cousin has been in a relationship with a partner for 2 years post divorce on both sides
Shes 34 he's 49. He will be retiring at 55 due to the nature of his job. I think that will be a major issue then, he doesnt plan on working post retirement, right now he has a job she finds impressive, I can imagine he will be under her feet, and as a 33 year old woman myself I already see him as old in his ways

I think it is. The difference between 50 and 62 is very large IMO, as is 60 snd 72.
Some people don't find it so, thats fine for them.
But some do as they age.
Ill health can hit at any time of course.
You feel hesitant, so explore it.

I have seen a lot of 8-15 year gaps and I think the gap widens rather than closes as you age.

All depends on the person really , like you say he looks after himself , dresses well , looks well , he’s kind , you two get on very well 🤷🏻‍♀️
I think I’d go for it then if I was in your shoes ☺️

My husband is 14 years older than me and I find him more attractive all the time, despite both of us being objectively less attractive than we were 20 years ago :-)

However, I’m really worried about him dying before me, which is likely. Will we get to spend any retirement together? When I’m 65, he’ll be 79. That plays on my mind a lot.

I think the gap will get a lot bigger the older you get. He will retire 12 years before you and when you finally get to retire he will likely to be to old to travel and you will likely become his carer.

I'd be looking to see if he makes a habit of dating younger women with big age gaps.

If he does, I'd find myself wondering why.

But ultimately it's a personal thing.

Imagine seeking the approval of random people on the internet for your relationship!

I’m 36 and my DP is 49. It’s worked well enough for nearly ten years without the age gap being that much of an issue.

Mine is 10 years older and as time goes by , he has less energy than me, I feel now my son is older I want to do more things and have more energy and time , he doesn’t … so I’m not sure , you may have to slow to his pace of life once he gets a certain age.

My DSis has got a 12/13 year gap with her DH. Nightmare as they’ve got older

It’s not a big age gap. DH and I have similar one. I adore him and wouldn’t be with anyone else, but you will notice it as the years go by, not in your relationship but in the milestones you hit. Presuming that you’ll work to the national retirement age, when he’s 67 and due to retire you’ll be 55 with 12 years left to work. When you retire at around 68, he’ll be 80. I wouldn’t change out relationship for the world but knowing that we won’t have the retirement years that we’d have if we were a similar age is hard. We can make some adjustments and have a few years together but there’s no way I can retire at 55 when he does.

There’s also the thought of what my mid 70’s will look like. Presuming DH will live to the average age of both parents when they died, he’ll be gone by the time I’m 73 even if he gets a few more years. I know I’m presuming a lot here and that none of us are guaranteed any age but as time goes by the maths start to loom large in future plans particularly as he reaches his 60’s and you hit your 50’s.

This isn’t intended to put you off, this is just what I’ve learned from experience.

I think for me it would boil down to would you want children? Would he? So given your age and his, my Dh is 50 and the thought of a newborn to him fills him with horror.

If you had children within 2 years he would be 60 when the child started secondary school.

The 'rule' made up by twelve year olds giggling in their bedroom over boys. Utter nonsense.