Is a 12 year age gap ok?

Agreed.
As per the 36 year old OP giving it serious pause for thought. Her maturity is telling her to consider if this is right for her.

A 20 year old is vastly different in life experience, knowledge and awareness, than a 36 year old.

How many threads do we read on MN of women in controlling relationships that it emerges that they met when they were very young, years younger than their now highly controlling partner?

Even if they are not abusive, there can be a subtle parent/child dynamic going on, because the man was so knowledgeable and authoritive from the get go and the much younger woman went along with it.

What life and career experiences does a 20 year old have compared to a 36 year old?

It is spectacularly naive to suggest otherwise and IMO proves my point.

What exactly is the appeal of a woman barely out of childhood to a man 10-20 years older?

It absolutely gives me the ick.
We certainly wouldn't want it for our daughters.

@XenoBitch , Can we stop with this rhetoric that women are automatically vulnerable and if they are with a man that is older, it must mean they are being taken advantage of.
It depends on the ages involved. An 18 year old woman is an adult, but will probably not have the same experience of what's a healthy relationship that a woman of 30 will have.
A 30-yo woman dating a 47-yo doesn't seem as unhealthy as an 18-yo dating a 35-yo.

10 year age gap between dh and me. I never used to think of it as a big age gap, but I'll admit that it feels like it's grown bigger the older we've got. He's now eyeing up retirement, wants the mortgage paid off, move north etc, and I want to live a little more in the moment, use our money to enjoy more of life now together. He's not the spontaneous man I met almost 25 years ago. He's tired a lot these days and has some health issues that are more pronounced. A lot of the time he falls asleep early so I'm on my own. That's not to say I don't want to be with him any more (I do!) But just that we feel like we're slightly out of kilter on our life stages and goals now we're older. I'll still be working when he's putting his feet up, for a start! Age gaps aren't as apparent in younger years, is all I'm saying, but ultimately you can't help who you fall for anyway. It's not like I'd reverse time and make a different decision, we have a wonderful family.

DH is very tired these days in his 50s

Has he been checked for diabetes He shouldn't be this tired in his 50s.

DH started to feel tired a lot recently, but he won't see 70 again. It turned out to be heart issues.

Don't get me wrong, there's much that binds us together as a couple, we have similar interests and differences too but ultimately you'll see some differences which might be significant as you get older. DH is very tired these days in his 50s ( I am in my 40s but have health issues). I do worry what's to come. I didn't think of that when I was 22 and met DH....

My mum has a couple of friends who had similar gaps. Both were carers for their husbands for a good few years, and widowed around 70. They both seem older than their peers who haven't had the same issues but are now mid 70s and living a whole new life!

I think it really only is in parenting and old age that the gap shows but those issues can be significant.

He’ll look like your dad when he’s 60

The differences start to show later on. DH is almost a decade older than myself and years ago when we met you honestly don't think if what it's like as you age. Mismatched sex drives, health problems, tiredness creep up perhaps at a more mismatched pace than if you were a few years younger than him or vice versa.

And if you’re together for the long term, are you OK with the greater possibility that he’ll be very elderly/ needing your care / dead, when you’re still enjoying life?

This is my life now, and there is only a 7 year age gap.

It’s fine if you don’t want kids. If you do want kids then he’s too old. People would assume he was the grandad.

Long term but make sure he’s not planning on living off you if he retires years before you so. Make sure he has an excellent pension of his own.

He’d also be a bit too old to become a Dad, if that matters to you.

You know not all men are power/control freaks right?
If a man is domineering he would be so whether his partner was 20 or 40.

You're absolutely deluded if you think there isn't a natural power imbalance between a 21 year old and a 36 year old.

@Daisychain1989 I wouldn't want to date someone that much older than me. If you do, I'd have a conversation about retirement now - I've read too many threads on here where the man of the family decides to retire and then the wife ends up not only working but doing all the wife work also. Just something to think about.

I think it's tough as you get older particularly as men tend to die earlier and also get quite narrow in their mindset.

Why is it "yuk" that a man is attracted to a woman younger than him? The woman is also attracted to a man that is older than her.
Can we stop with this rhetoric that women are automatically vulnerable and if they are with a man that is older, it must mean they are being taken advantage of.
My DP is 9 years older than me. I have gone out with someone who was 17 years older in the past. I was a grown woman who is capable of making my own mind up about men. They were not predatory and I was not vulnerable.

My best friend is 14 years younger than her DH. They have been married for over 20 years. He is into retirement age now, and she does not work due to illness.
If you share the same goals and outlooks, then the age gap does not matter.

I’m 31 and my husband is 49

As long as you are happy BUT a word of caution, a friend of mine had a similar age gap and it was fine until her H hit 60 and started looking at Retirement.
It coincided with Covid and after Lockdown etc he became very reluctant to go anywhere and do anything, he bought a caravan and insited all holidays had to be taken with that and refused to even go out for meals or a drink.
She left him

My reply would be yuk.
IMO there is something very wrong with a man who wants a partner 16 years younger than them.
I would be appalled if either of my daughters, that are around that age, came home with an older fellow like that.

I would presume there is something wrong with him, a bit creepy, perverted, that he would want a relationship with someone so much younger.

Controlling, domineering men that can't find a woman that is their peer, go for young girls decades younger than them.

Obviously that is a huge generalisation and may not be the case in every single age gap relationship.

However as a woman in my 60's it has overwhelmingly been what I have seen over the decades..

Younger inexperienced women are so much easier to impress that a peer of 36.

I know the difference in me between 21 and 36 was night and day.
Good luck.

We have a ten year age gap and DH was 48 when we had our first child. I would say that was no problem whatsoever. In fact it was great because he retired at 58 as DC were going to secondary school and did the lions share of running around.
As others have said the gap becomes more noticeable as you age.
25 / 35 - hardly noticeable
55/ 65 possibly at different life stages
65/75 definitely feels like one is in another generation. Though ironically he's as fit as a flea and I am the one with health issues.

Yes your ok me & hubby have 20 year gap & we are very happy x

DH is 11 years older than me. He was 39 and I was 28 when we met. We are celebrating our 35th wedding anniversary this evening.

Nothing wrong at all with it, it just might throw up problems if you are at different stages of life as the years go by- e.g. wanting kids, retirement etc.

Personally for me it would be too much. It will show up more and more as you both age. He will retire a lot earlier than you and then when you retire, not want to do the same things you do most likely. There are many women with age gaps who become carers way too young and it takes over their lives. I don’t want that for myself. I would not consider anyone with more than 5 years age difference.

It’s a personal decision but I would avoid