Is a 12 year age gap ok?

It’s entirely up to the roll of a dice whether you both age “well” isn’t it. I’m sure some couples remain active and “together” in their pursuits well into their 80s, others aren’t so lucky. My friend is 40 and her husband is 56 and didn’t seem to notice a gap in her early 30s but she is now noticing that especially in the last 5 years or so he’s much more set in his ways, much less inclined to be spontaneous or want to do things, planning for his impending retirement and hobbies just for him and generally moving onto a phase of life they won’t be sharing (she can’t retire and actually he expects her to work more now both kids are at school). Shes finding this realisation difficult. Of course this is clearly down to their individual relationship and a cluster of issues around him wanting to do more things separate/ not with the family but I think it’s been exacerbated by the age gap. He’s hit these changes much earlier than she anticipated.

He's got chronic health issues. It's all par for the course and especially with a big family it's not too surprising...

50 somethings shouldn’t be exhausted he needs to get checked. DP is 53 and at boot camp 3 times a week, doing 5k runs at least once a week and playing golf 1-2 times a week he hasn’t slowed even slightly

DH and I are 64 and 75 and this is what we are doing, we’ e had the most amazing time since I retired, and like your sister I’ll be happy to care for him if and when the time comes. We’ve had 35 wonderful years together.

Whereas my sister is in her late 60s, her DH is in his early 80s. He’s been in a care home for the last couple of years. He’s is mentally all there but, after ten years or so doing moderate care for him, it escalated and she just couldn’t do it any more. It’s sad but it’s the only safe/reasonable option

I know a lot of people on Mumsnet are weird about ages and are convinced that if your partner is more than about two years older you're doomed to a life as a carer and/or dating a pervert

😂true!

My oldest sister met her DH when she was 48 and he was 60 (both divorced). She's been, and still is, gloriously happy for over 20 years. He part funded her early retirement and at 70 and 82 they are still travelling, going out and enjoying their lives. She says if she becomes his carer one day, she'll be happy to do so because he's enriched her life so much.

Accidents happen. People change their minds.

Fair point 🤷‍♀️

Old parent? Since when were they planning kids?

It just depends on your situation and how you like to live your life. My partner is 49 and I am 32. We have been together for 4 years and are about to move in together, and maybe get married next year. We don't really notice the age difference day to day. We are each other's best friend and have loads of things in common.
Because we're both very independent and rather introverted, we each do several things separately throughout the week. I can imagine that I will do more strenuous activities (very long hikes, certain activities/sports like climbing) on my own or with other friends as he gets older and no longer has the energy for them. That's not a problem for me because I love my alone time, and we still have plenty of other things we can do together. But if you don't like doing activities on your own, maybe it is more of an issue.

We also don't plan on having children, so that helps because I don't think he would be very enthusiastic about having any (or have the energy for them) after age 50.

I don’t think it’s that big of your on the same page. My partners 10 years older and we are on the same page with all the big important stuff so that’s the main thing. We get on amazing, have the same sense of humour, he’s a great guy and so supportive with everything. We always have the best time together as he works away all week as a truck driver. Enjoy time with the kids together. Makes me laugh more than anyone. X

I wouldn't purely because unless he's really well off you'll still be working when he's long retired. He'll also be a very old parent.

At your age I wouldn't have been keen, and as someone now approaching retirement age I'd hate for my DH to be that much older. He's actually the same age and even I sometimes see him as getting old now!

However I have good friends with a similar gap and things have worked pretty well for them. When she wanted to return to full time work when their kids were teens, he took early retirement and stayed home. She then later took her own early retirement and they have travelled a huge amount since.

In our 20s he seemed much older and not really part of our friend group, but now the age gap isn't really noticeable.

As long as you don't say anything, then don't worry about it.
Some people look older than they are.

Someone told me I looked old enough to be retired. I'm nowhere near retirement age. It made me feel awful.

I just assume, but I don’t say anything. Late 40s and 50s is a very normal age to be a grandparent. I’m always surprised when I see someone of this age with a young child.

@Dancingdance , Many women are having children later now. I can think of several who had their first baby in their early 40s, so they could be 48 when their child started school.

Do you really want to be that person who says 'Is he your grandson?'

I was with a man 13 years my senior for many years. Any issues we had were never age related. I loved how smart and interesting he was. I say, don't let the age stand in your way.

It was fine for my parents until my mother hit her 70s and then the age gap was very apparent. She had lot of energy still and my dad was more fragile.

48 is still fairly young to be a grandparent

There’s a big difference between 33 and nearly 50.

It would be fine for me but it’s up to you.

I was of course generalising, and each specific couple is going to be different.

But I was mostly thinking of my Dad. He had kids quite young, so a lot of his friends have ended up being people a good decade older than him, as they were in a similar life stage. He's a very active man, and so are most of his friends. He's in his mid 60s now, and is finding his social life dwindling, because his friends are all in their 70s and just aren't interested. They don't want to surf, don't want to go to gigs, don't want to go out biking, they're all dropping out of the yearly holiday they used to go on. They just want to potter around at home, or the pub, and that's about it these days.

Of course, it could just be this specific group of people, and absolutely anything can happen in life. DP's Mum's 16 years younger than FIL, and she always used to joke that she'd end up his carer. Instead she died of an aggressive breast cancer in her 50s, and FIL is in his 80s and still going strong.

Me too, me and my partner met when we were 20 and 30. We were very happy, had children and were together a long time before my younger partner sadly died in their 30’s. I had to care for my younger partner for a few years prior to their death and obvs we never had the chance to grow old together. It doesn’t always follow that the younger partner cares for the older one.
If you are happy in your relationship, that is all that matters, it doesn’t matter what other people think.

Exactly the same for me @5foot5 .

I'm currently.64 and DH is 75. He's still fit and well, still doing some work (he is.a university academic) and still loves travelling and experiencing new things.

See my partner is 13 years older and I'm 53.. However he's as fit as a fiddle whereas it's me thats suffered various health issues including cancer

His dad is knocking on 100and still has his marbles