Is a 12 year age gap ok?

Daisychain1989 · 2025-09-15T16:44:54+00:00

I’m 36 and my potential partner is 48. We get on really well, he makes me laugh until I cry, he’s a lovely, kind and caring person. Dresses well, looks after himself, we have the same views and outlooks on life and politics etc. It’s just the age gap putting me off! I don’t know why. When I’m 40, he’ll be 52.

Wildflowerswildhorses · 20/09/2025 00:35

My dh was 15 years older than me. We were together for 39 years until he passed away in 2020. I still miss him. I dated younger men and ones the same age as me but it wasn't until I met him that I knew I'd found the one for me. Age doesn't matter.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 20/09/2025 00:20

Jc2001 · 19/09/2025 19:25

Why would he look like her dad? Unless they're brother and sister 😆

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🤣

Obviously he will look a lot older. HTH 😆

Jc2001 · 19/09/2025 19:25

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 16/09/2025 07:20

He’ll look like your dad when he’s 60

Why would he look like her dad? Unless they're brother and sister 😆

cinquanta · 19/09/2025 09:51

cheesycheesy · 19/09/2025 06:53

That means it’s ok for me to be with a 62 year old at 41? Grim. This rule was definitely made up by a man

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Why? It works both ways.

In any case, it’s more likely it was made up by giggling teenagers than adults.

Catsknowbest · 19/09/2025 07:15

I'm 50 and my husband is 62. We've been together 9 years but known each other 22 years. My only regret is not being with him sooner. I would be lying if I said the gap does not worry me it does- only because I dread him one day not being in my life. But if I was with someone younger... it wouldn't be him. So I wouldn't change a thing.

cheesycheesy · 19/09/2025 06:53

OonaStubbs · 15/09/2025 17:45

It falls within the half your age plus 7 rule so it's ok.

That means it’s ok for me to be with a 62 year old at 41? Grim. This rule was definitely made up by a man

GOODCAT · 18/09/2025 07:46

Heretone · 15/09/2025 18:04

It’s not a big age gap. DH and I have similar one. I adore him and wouldn’t be with anyone else, but you will notice it as the years go by, not in your relationship but in the milestones you hit. Presuming that you’ll work to the national retirement age, when he’s 67 and due to retire you’ll be 55 with 12 years left to work. When you retire at around 68, he’ll be 80. I wouldn’t change out relationship for the world but knowing that we won’t have the retirement years that we’d have if we were a similar age is hard. We can make some adjustments and have a few years together but there’s no way I can retire at 55 when he does.

There’s also the thought of what my mid 70’s will look like. Presuming DH will live to the average age of both parents when they died, he’ll be gone by the time I’m 73 even if he gets a few more years. I know I’m presuming a lot here and that none of us are guaranteed any age but as time goes by the maths start to loom large in future plans particularly as he reaches his 60’s and you hit your 50’s.

This isn’t intended to put you off, this is just what I’ve learned from experience.

Same for me but a 10 year gap. Husband retired. Me still working. It is fine and has upsides but it has made me keener to retire and husband would have preferred it if I were also retired. We are at different life stages which were far less obvious when we were younger, but will now show going forwards.

SafeSex · 18/09/2025 07:15

missmollygreen · 15/09/2025 18:18

Imagine seeking the approval of random people on the internet for your relationship!

Imagine commenting on random people's relationship issues on the internet!

Jc2001 · 18/09/2025 07:07

OonaStubbs · 15/09/2025 17:45

It falls within the half your age plus 7 rule so it's ok.

Yes it falls within a completely made up, arbitrary rule so it's fine.

rebecca2727 · 18/09/2025 07:03

I remember my mum being horrified that there was a big age gap between me & my now husband, 20 years infact . We are really happy & he is a lot healthy than i am . No one’s future is guaranteed so if you have a chance to be really happy even just for a few years grab on to it. I have had 3 other boyfriends before my husband 2 of them sadly died one due to cancer & one to heart attack they were both in there early 30s so you never know what’s around the corner x

cheesycheesy · 18/09/2025 06:57

Also if he has no kids of his own he may struggle to understand your need to put yours first as they’re still very young.

cheesycheesy · 18/09/2025 06:55

I wouldn’t be interested in someone of 52 now I’m 40. It will only get worse as you get older.

Boomer55 · 18/09/2025 06:53

My late husband was 14 years older than me. We were extremely happy. 😊

TalkLikeTree · 18/09/2025 06:51

I'm 42, DH is 54 - we've been together for 15 years.

I've never noticed the age gap; we don't look obviously different ages.

I think it'll be more noticeable in another 10 years though as I think I'll have more energy etc.

The only thing I find crazy is that I'm married to someone who is mid 50s. But also how am I suddenly early 40s?! I feel like I'm still in my 20s 😂

PeloMom · 17/09/2025 22:59

I’m mid 40s and struggle to find guys my age attractive let alone those closer to 60. But each to their own

tumpymummy · 17/09/2025 22:56

I met my husband when I was 23, he was 35 so 12 years between us, been together 34 years. The age difference has never been an issue. In fact I'm really surprised at some people's replies because it really depends what the people are like. No way was my husband ready to settle down in his 20s, if you met him you'd think he was 10 years younger than he actually is. We have 2 grown up kids, he is now retired, I work part-time. It works! One day I know I'll possibly be his carer but that's marriage. For better or for worse....But there's no guarantees, I could be the one to get health issues. No regrets here.

JustForYouMyDear · 17/09/2025 22:18

We have an 8 year gap. Been together 20 years, all absolutely fantastic. No issues.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 17/09/2025 22:12

Are they always older men younger women?

Will be interested to hear how it goes when it’s July - November.

cinquanta · 17/09/2025 19:26

CoffeeCantata · 17/09/2025 16:07

Yeah - I don’t disagree. I’m just against all the clucking you get on MN about age-gap relationships between adults.

I know of at least 3 really happy ‘May-September’ marriages.

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I didn’t realise anybody had any issue with them until I joined MN. They are fairly common in my circle. Not quite the norm, but not far off.

UpMyself · 17/09/2025 18:23

@CoffeeCantata , I can think of a couple of happy ones too.
One couple I only became aware of the age gap when the woman pointed out that he was much older. Obvious when I knew, but they looked like a couple so I didn't notice.

Generally, I don't think they are a good idea.

CoffeeCantata · 17/09/2025 16:07

phoenixrosehere · 16/09/2025 12:21

are you OK with becoming your partner's carer in early middle-age etc?

That goes both ways surely regardless of age difference? There’s no guarantee that the younger person is always going to be more fit and healthy and/or won’t need care.

Plus, studies show when the female partner needs a carer, it is a higher percentage that their male partner will leave them compared to when it is the male partner needing a carer.

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Yeah - I don’t disagree. I’m just against all the clucking you get on MN about age-gap relationships between adults.

I know of at least 3 really happy ‘May-September’ marriages.

ohwhattodowithmylife · 17/09/2025 15:14

For me, yes. It’s ok now but in 30/40 years it won’t be.

ThatNaiceMember · 17/09/2025 13:35

My parents had a 12 year age gap and their relationship was great. In the end the younger one died first anyway which was a bit of a shock tbh.

KimberleyClark · 17/09/2025 13:32

cheddercherry · 17/09/2025 13:17

It’s entirely up to the roll of a dice whether you both age “well” isn’t it. I’m sure some couples remain active and “together” in their pursuits well into their 80s, others aren’t so lucky. My friend is 40 and her husband is 56 and didn’t seem to notice a gap in her early 30s but she is now noticing that especially in the last 5 years or so he’s much more set in his ways, much less inclined to be spontaneous or want to do things, planning for his impending retirement and hobbies just for him and generally moving onto a phase of life they won’t be sharing (she can’t retire and actually he expects her to work more now both kids are at school). Shes finding this realisation difficult. Of course this is clearly down to their individual relationship and a cluster of issues around him wanting to do more things separate/ not with the family but I think it’s been exacerbated by the age gap. He’s hit these changes much earlier than she anticipated.

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Duplicate post.

KimberleyClark · 17/09/2025 13:32

cheddercherry · 17/09/2025 13:17

It’s entirely up to the roll of a dice whether you both age “well” isn’t it. I’m sure some couples remain active and “together” in their pursuits well into their 80s, others aren’t so lucky. My friend is 40 and her husband is 56 and didn’t seem to notice a gap in her early 30s but she is now noticing that especially in the last 5 years or so he’s much more set in his ways, much less inclined to be spontaneous or want to do things, planning for his impending retirement and hobbies just for him and generally moving onto a phase of life they won’t be sharing (she can’t retire and actually he expects her to work more now both kids are at school). Shes finding this realisation difficult. Of course this is clearly down to their individual relationship and a cluster of issues around him wanting to do more things separate/ not with the family but I think it’s been exacerbated by the age gap. He’s hit these changes much earlier than she anticipated.

Edited

Couples close in age can also age at different rates and encounter serious health problems at a relatively young age. You just never know.