His daughter's behaviour....

Me three.

If you are, so am I 😂

Your partner's adult daughter put an unwrapped bouquet of flowers she'd received in the bin in her house before going back to uni, for reasons you don't know (as you haven't asked) and this indicates a gross moral failing on her part and on the part of her father, because you believe you and the father feel the same about everything. This is now causing you to question your relationship with the father and made you determined not to buy his daughter any presents in future. Have I got that right?

A few things for you to think about: what you would do in a given situation is what you would do. It's not obligatory for other adults to do or think the same. Gifts given on a transactional basis (you'll only get something if you behave and think just like me) are empty tokens. Most importantly: however "difficult" you find the daughter you need to be the adult and find a way to manage a relationship with her without hyperfocusing on trivialities as justification for your dislike, if you want your relationship with the father to last.

Yes, this. Who buys flowers for a 19 year old, especially one that doesn’t have a house to put them in and is moving between lodgings.

I can appreciate flowers now, but I wouldn’t have done at 19. It’s a massive shame for them not to be enjoyed, but someone definitely didn’t think that through at all.

She isn’t going to lug them back to uni with her when they’re already ten days old, just to have to deal with them once they’re dead. If there’s no one else in the house when she left, what else is she supposed to do?

She sounds like my 'stepdaughter' was at that age. I've used inverted commas as I wasn't married to her dad then and now she doesn't talk to me, which I'm absolutely fine with.

Selfish to the core, self obsessed, controlling, manipulative, nasty. The opposite to her father.

The gifts would be bestowed and if she didn't like them they'd be cast aside. She would only utter thanks if she highly approved of the gift. One year she told me multiple times she hated what I bought her and then she left it behind. It was the last gift I ever bought for her although I still thrust money at her.

It did make me worry what DH would be like as a parent to our child but he's been amazing. What I have noticed however is that he defers to my judgment on most things; he's from a traditional culture and even though he's as hands-on as I am this may contribute? So presumably he was the same with his ex who has similar traits to his daughter.

Surely after ten days any bouquet is past its best?

What you're doing is, 'This happened and I know why this happened. Ain't it awful?' Then loads of people say, 'Hang on, it might have been because of these other perfectly sound reasons.' And you say, 'None of those reasons even comes close. I and I alone know the real reason and I will not budge on this. Ain't it awful?'

This is a bit tedious, you know. You could take a deep breath and try changing your mind. I'm inviting you to consider the possibility that you might be wrong - give it a go.

Someone bought me a huge bunch of lilies once. The big white ones with dusty orange pollen in them.

I can't stand the smell of lilies and the pollen makes me sneeze. I also have dogs and lilies can be toxic to dogs.

I said thank you and put them to one side to arrange later after the relative had gone, then I gave them to my next door neighbour who was pleased with them. It's not that I was ungrateful for the gift, it's just lilies don't work for me in my house.

I have tried to bring up my 19-year-old daughter with good values. But I can really imagine her doing this! She would be far too lazy to put the flowers in a vase. Even if she knew where one was. She would think oh that’s sweet, and then just forget about them and leave them on the desk. She is otherwise pretty kind and decent but she can be disorganised and forgetful and lazy.

On its own this incident would just make me roll my eyes a bit at her. But then again, you have other stuff going on with this young woman, so it is a different situation.

Tbh half times I don’t take them out of the plastic because that’s how they’re nicely arranged and if I take them out of the plastic they don’t look as pretty.

I would cut the stems and change the water but if they went in the bin they might well still have the plastic.

And surely after 10 days the flowers are over anyway? Cut flowers don’t last.

I don’t like the odds for your relationship with your partner succeeding if you keep picking at his daughter.

What do you think the flowers are going to do? They were wasted and dead the moment they were cut.

Someone paid money to demonstrate thst they acknowledge her birthday. That's it.

Are you the sort of person who is extremely sentimental and holds on to things?

Well she was probably totally fucked up when her parents separated, that’s what generally happens.

Thanks couldn't work out how to word it, op you are offended on behalf of flowers?

Not even just a young person thing, though. My octogenarian Mil gets given flowers fairly often for birthdays and anniversaries, but never takes them out of their plastic, just balances them in a vase with a few inches of water in it, or lets them sit in the water bag they came in. She’s just not someone it would occur to to do otherwise.

A 19 year old student who can't be bothered to put flowers in a vase or take them with them back to uni isn't too surprising. Or someone who isn't keen on flowers etc isn't too surprising or someone getting flowers from someone they don't like. At least they were tidied away. I think it's a leap to think this indicates a serious flaw in her or her father and this says more about how you feel generally.There is more of a back story about this situation.

What do you do with old flowers?

She sounds very ungrateful OP . I would really rein in any further gifts I made to her .

Two weeks later surely they’d be over anyway?

It's flowers... And she is 19...
At that age, I would have wondered WTF I was supposed to do with it.

I’m surprised you were in the minority , I was incensed.
i often send flowers and they are really bloody expensive now . I’ve often gone slightly overdrawn to get a bunch for a friend or colleague in my youth . I’ve often got flowers for someone over say a haircut for me or nice foods .

so to think they weren’t even put in a vase or regifted then that makes my blood boil . Who cares if she is driving back to uni they don’t take much room.
so she’s 19 , gosh I was gifted bouquets from the age of 16 up and loved them.

the only excuse is if they are from someone you don’t like , then regift to a friend , donate etc etc.

I agree I wouldn’t be buying for her anymore.

If you like them take them out of the bin and put them in a vase. I think you would also complain if she'd left them out as you'd have to chuck them when they die. Not sure what she could have done to make you happy.

It's a bunch of flowers. She's going away what do you expect her to do with them ?
Personally I really hate having flowers as a gift. Utterly pointless, some give off really strong smells which I am really sensitive to. I would also have put them in the bin.

You are way too invested in a present that has nothing to do with you.

Have advance searched OP as her name looked familiar

Why are you still with your OH when you hate his DD so much and keep blaming her for his shortcomings?

Surely after 10 days they were past their best ? I'm sure she was tidying up and didn't want to take half dead flowers with her.
I think you're overreacting to this.