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AIBU?

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Original poster

Anyone else’s retired parents too busy for them?

162 replies

Ellieshouse · 15/09/2025 16:51

Perhaps I’m just being needy, not sure.

My mum is retired, she is 70, although she was always a sahm anyway. She’s a kind person but was always probably a typical 80s parent. Basic needs met but the children were sent off to play or go outside and not to bother the adults.

My mum has made a very busy life for herself. She has two dogs, she’s very close to her siblings and they visit her regularly, she has many friends and she does a lot for all of them. For example she will batch cook and go around giving out meals to her friends and neighbours. She seems to do everything for everyone. For example taking her friends pet to the vets for them, sorting out her friends house insurance for them or ringing their energy provider.

My children are older now, my mum never did full time childcare but she was always on hand in an emergency, but my dc stopped wanting to go their because she would just sit them in front of the TV while she did her errands or take them to visit neighbours and they would get bored.

I don’t think I’ve had a conversation with my mum that’s last more than 5 minutes before she says she has to go because her friend is coming or she’s got to help a friend or the dogs need her.

Like I say she is really kind she’s always offering to buy my child this or that but if you want her time you’ll have to join the back of the queue.

Edited to say my dad is around so she’s not on her own but I don’t think he gets a look in either 🤣 I wonder sometimes if she has him locked in a cupboard.

OP posts:
MaurineWayBack · 15/09/2025 17:44

but my children seem to want more of my time than I’d anticipated.

I dint quite get that.
Dint you want to spend time with them? Rather than seeing it as them wanting ‘some of your time’ as if it was an inconvenience they want to see you 😵‍💫😵‍💫

MaurineWayBack · 15/09/2025 17:42

TreesWelliesKnees · 15/09/2025 17:01

I think it's very hard to step out of parent mode and just enjoy your adult dc's company, like you would with a friend. I feel responsible for my adult dc's happiness just like I did when they were little, only now I have far less control over it. As a result I don't enjoy days out with them in the way I would with a friend. It's sad and I'm working on it, but when I'm older I imagine it all feeling like a drain and just wanting the responsibility to end so that I can have a bit of carefree fun before I die. And that's before I even think about grandchildren.

That’s very sad and not all how I feel about my adult dcs tbh.

I enjoy doing stuff with them, we find things that interest both of us (despite the fact they're outdoorsy,n’active young adults and Im disabled in a wheelchair).

I dint feel I’m responsible for them. And if the thought comes through my mind, I’m just reminding myself theyre making their own choices. I don’t have to to fully agree.

CoffeeCantata · 15/09/2025 17:37

I’m retired and I do have to ask my adult children to give me plenty of notice if 5heyre planning a visit because I am very busy.

My mum was different. She was very dependent on me emotionally and socially and would make me feel very guilty if I didn’t visit her frequently. She would sulk if I already had a commitment elsewhere.

I don’t want to be like that, but my children seem to want more of my time than I’d anticipated.

It’s hard to get it right.

KindnessIsKey123 · 15/09/2025 17:28

My mother-in-law is always like this and we have a theory that she is tired and she can only juggle what we would call one to 2 small things per day. so says she’s busy. For example, popping to the shops and attending a doctor’s appointment. we would think was nothing, but in her head this is a ‘busy’ day. I actually think she’s just tired and it takes her a long time to get organised.

I think the amount of things you can juggle age 40 are very different to the amount of things you can juggle age 75.

perhaps once you retire, you get used to a much slower pace of life. There is an Instagram account somewhere where a lady takes the mick out of her mother not being able to fit anything in her diary because she’s ‘waiting for a parcel on Thursday’. In reality I think older people are just being polite but really they are tired…

KateMiskin · 15/09/2025 17:06

Also, do you seek out your dad"s company and leave your DC with him?

KateMiskin · 15/09/2025 17:03

TreesWelliesKnees · 15/09/2025 17:01

I think it's very hard to step out of parent mode and just enjoy your adult dc's company, like you would with a friend. I feel responsible for my adult dc's happiness just like I did when they were little, only now I have far less control over it. As a result I don't enjoy days out with them in the way I would with a friend. It's sad and I'm working on it, but when I'm older I imagine it all feeling like a drain and just wanting the responsibility to end so that I can have a bit of carefree fun before I die. And that's before I even think about grandchildren.

This is exactly it. Well expressed. I often prefer the company of my friends as they don't expect me to solve their problems.
Not that I never enjoy their company. But quite often I want to check out.

TreesWelliesKnees · 15/09/2025 17:01

I think it's very hard to step out of parent mode and just enjoy your adult dc's company, like you would with a friend. I feel responsible for my adult dc's happiness just like I did when they were little, only now I have far less control over it. As a result I don't enjoy days out with them in the way I would with a friend. It's sad and I'm working on it, but when I'm older I imagine it all feeling like a drain and just wanting the responsibility to end so that I can have a bit of carefree fun before I die. And that's before I even think about grandchildren.

ComfortFoodCafe · 15/09/2025 16:59

Sounds like shes had of enough of parenting and wants to do her own thing in life.

KateMiskin · 15/09/2025 16:57

As long as she helps in emergencies, I think YABU.
My mum has a very busy social life.
Good on her I say. Instead of wanting me to entertain her.

Original poster
Ellieshouse · 15/09/2025 16:54

NoahDia · 15/09/2025 16:53

Why don't you offer to take her out for the day?

Tell her you'd like some mum/daughter time.

She won’t, she says she’s too busy.

OP posts:
KateMiskin · 15/09/2025 16:53

Maybe she's tired of parenting. I know I am. I plan to spend my retirement travelling.

NoahDia · 15/09/2025 16:53

Why don't you offer to take her out for the day?

Tell her you'd like some mum/daughter time.