Anyone else’s retired parents too busy for them?

There is definitely a balance to be struck. I hope to be there for all big events and not be too busy to speak. But I hope to be travelling all the time.

I love spending time with my children, although I don’t need to. They’re so interesting, and fun.

The whole point of being retired is - after a lifetime of toeing the line - no longer being at anyone's beck and call. When retireees are still fit and active, they absolutely should be making the most of it..... travel, hobbies, whatever- no pressure, no commitments.

Well let's hope she doesn't expect you to drop everything when she gets to old to do all this stuff and is stuck at home lonely.
Mine was too busy to come to my registry office wedding she was busy with a friend that day!!! She had plenty of notice.

My mum is super busy with things that are entirely optional and loves to tell me just how busy she is and compares it to my fairly senior, full time job and family life. Her ability to turn me being busy into how busy she is with all these things is astounding.

Wonder why we’re not as close as we used to be.

Mine are always off on holiday in their bloody camper van. They only have me and their only grandchild (now a teen) and can’t seem to be bothered to make time for us. I don’t know how they’d ever have coped with having more than one grandchild.

When you say your kids don’t like to go there, are you talking about them spending time with her or her doing child care? (not always the same thing)
Are you saying she doesn’t want to spend any quality time with your family, like going out to dinner, birthday parties, etc? I only ask because you really only give one example of what she’s not doing (minding the kids?)
Maybe you saw it as her spending time with her grandchildren and she saw it as giving you a break from the kids?
I plan on being a great grandmother and I’d babysit in an emergency. But child minding on a consistent basis? Not spending my retirement doing that either!

My Mum is 71 and still working full time. She has told me she will consider it at 74. I barely see her as our shifts cross each other!

I’m definitely at the bottom of my parent’s list! I’m used to it now and have drawn right back myself, and accepted that we won’t have the relationship I would like.

It sounds as if she needs to be needed. Can you engineer some situations where you might value her input. For example could you ask her to come and help you choose some plants, and then stop at the coffee shop. Come and give her opinion on a dress for your dc graduation. Help you choose some new Christmas decorations etc.

"typical 80s parent. Basic needs met but the children were sent off to play or go outside and not to bother the adults"

My kids were born in the 80s. I don't recognise this at all, nor do my AC. I suspect your Mum's individual parenting style has continued in to her later years. I loved bringing up my kids, and I'm now very involved with grandchildren and helping AC with other stuff too.

I would add though, that if her old age brings infirmity and she needs a lot of support I'd think "nah".

Yes! I'm so happy for them. I was worried they wouldn't adapt well to retirement but they're in their element. Running for mayor, getting involved in the local council, volunteering, meeting friends, all sorts. Brings me so much joy to know their last decade or two is spent really living life and enjoying every day instead of deteriorating wallowing away at home.

Mine hasn’t got a single minute for me. Same with siblings. She will talk at me on the phone about her friends and neighbours but cuts me off if I mention anything about myself or dh/dc/dsibs/dnieces even when she’s actually asked. “Have you seen anything of your brother?” “Yes, we went out last week to…” “Well Alison’s granddaughter….” And off she goes about someone I don’t know. If I tell her anything a normal parent/grandparent would want to know like a job interview or exam results she responds with a story about someone She’s “busy” all the time. I have a really full on job and 4 dc but she’s much busier. Not in a million years would she go on a day out with any of us. You can sometimes shoehorn her into a garden centre for 20 minutes but she’ll gallop around it as if she’s being chased. If we visit her she is either on the phone to other people or she’ll just go out. She does love us, but cba with us really. I don’t think she’s sick of parenting, I’m the youngest and left home 34 years ago. As small children we spent from Friday after school until Sunday night with grandma. When we were old enough to be left that dropped off a bit but we (me in particular) were still there a couple of nights after school and weekend days. It wasn’t for childcare - she’s never worked since eldest bro was born. One of my brothers is in an experiment of not phoning her to see if she notices. It’s been about 2 years and she hasn’t. Overall I’m happy she has such a busy life but occasionally wish we had a better relationship and could do normal things that other mums and daughters do and that she’s capable of doing with her friends, like have a cup of tea together or share things that are happening in my life and have her listen. I don’t mean witter on endlessly about myself but tell her my dc have their gcse results or a new job or when I did my masters. She’s just not interested. She’s 85 but it’s not new - she’s never been especially fussed.

My mother has always been a needy person. She never made a life of her own and always lived through her children having so many expectations from me and my siblings, we all had to distance ourselves from her because it was becoming toxic. I wish she had a life she enjoyed before becoming to frail and sick. She's now so very needy, we all make sure she's tended to. Be happy that your mum is strong and is keeping herself busy and since you said your kids are almost grown up, you should start making plans for your own independent life and kid free, before your parents become too old and frail.

Is your mum Mrs Dursley?

I think parents of adult children can't win sometimes.
If your mother was sat at home following the same daily routine and getting wound up because the post man interrupted elevenses no doubt you would be posting wishing she was more independent!
As it is she has made a full life for herself and is enjoying the years she has left. Having said that I understand why you feel pushed out. Could you pick a full day every month (for example) that goes in the diary as 'mother & daughter day'? Book them In for the full 12 months and other than illness or catastrophe both of you have to stick to those days together. At least that way she knows to keep the day free and that it is set in stone so she won't be left with nothing to do.

They can see me. - but they need to let me know in advance because I probably won’t be in.

One’s in London 20 miles) and the other hundreds of miles away, so they’re hardly likely to just ring the doorbell casually. But like lots of youngsters they do things on impulse and will announce they’re coming for the weekend on a Friday morning when we might have been planning to go away. Or if we’re hosting on Sat evening, they would just have to join in - I wouldn’t cancel a longstanding arrangement.

You don’t stop having a life when you retire. That’s when it starts! Busy older people are happy older people, and it means we’re not an emotional burden….yet.

Well retirement is just that. It's for doing what you want to do and not what others expect from you - before you die! And (just like most people) you're more comfortable and have far more in common with your peer group than someone 25 or 30 years younger, even if they are your kids or grandkids. There's also the emotional baggage that adult DC bring to the table, whether they're conscious of it or not. Sometimes you just don't need it.

Would you rather she was sat indoors waiting for people to visit? (which invariably doesn’t happen) 🤔

This is interesting I’ve never read someone voicing this but sort of makes sense to me already (my dc is 2😂). As I already can’t imagine ever stopping worrying about her and can see how it would be worse when her problems can’t be solved by a cuddle. I do marvel how people have relaxing days out with older dc without worrying about the job market, their relationship, friends, mortgage, COL so your post makes a bit of sense

My DD has a disability. Maybe that's why I am exhausted myself and feel responsibility. Also menopause has a way of reducing caring hormones.

In any event, by the time I am 70, I will want to please myself.