Anyone else’s retired parents too busy for them?

DM was SAHM who did zero parenting. Spent her time socialising or obsessively watching tv. Not interested in helping out with the DC. Has admitted it 'never crossed her mind' to do anything for us or know where we were. Meals were thrown together and repetitive. It was obvious we were just chores to be gotten out of the way.

However, the tide has turned. She's 78 & her world has shrunk. It's harder to get around, friends drift away as activities can no longer be done & her similar age neighbours have all moved into retirement villages. Both are limited driving so they don't go far.

Suddenly, DM wants to do things with us, calls me almost daily & waffles on for ages. Hints for us to take them on holiday or to activities with us. Doesn't understand why we're not all that bothered....

I think that’s really sad OP. You’re not asking for constant childcare or loads of input just your mums undivided attention every so often which she doesn’t give, despite clearly making time for friends and other people.
Id be upset too. I don’t know what the solution is but I get your POV and don’t think you’re being needy or selfish or anything like that.

I’m retired and I adore spending time with my adult DD’s even though it can work out very expensive as I usually pay.
I just feel that I can be totally ‘me’ and they will love and accept me. I often feel like I am putting on an act for other people.
I do try not to be to needy!

I'm 70 and retired. I lost my lovely daughter to cancer a few years ago.
I have lots of nieces and nephews but they are mostly married with thier own family's. I love being retired as I hated my job and I don't miss it at all. I retired at 66 on the dot and I've been a housewife since as my lovely hubby is 8 years younger than me and still works.
I love doing my own thing until he gets home and don't really see anyone but I've never been lonely,I have a big family and love them all very much and should see them more but they are all still working and weekends my DH like because we like being together. I feel if we get invited any where I can't be asked but we do make the effort now and again and enjoy it and always say we should do that more often, but we really don't.
I'm sure your Mum loves you all very much but she loves her own life which I think is fair. I'm sure if you really needed her she would be there for you.

Your DC not wanting to spend time with your DM is more around them being teens. You can’t expect your mother to spend her day thinking of you exciting things to entertain teenagers - paint a fence, help with the shopping. Mine sometime just watch Four in a Bed with Granny.

Not exciting but they don’t expect Granny to be entertaining them into their teens

My parents are like this so I absolutely understand how you feel. But I always remind myself that I’d far rather they had an active, busy social life than be lonely and dependant on me for social interaction, that would be much worse. I do get what you mean though!

My mum used to fill her life and some past-times were like a full time job. I look back with mixed emotion about it. It was wonderful that she had such a full life and was so active within the community. However it comes with sadness that we struggled to find time to spend together. She loved me, but it was always me that rang for a chat, suggested we spend time together. As my adult years went by we spent less and less time with each other as I think I gave up. It’s a piggy bank, more coins you put in means there are coins to be taken out (the reward from working on the friendships/ relationships). Your mum is putting so many coins in her community/friends piggy bank with none spare for her piggy bank with you .It’s sad and I understand your feelings round it.

It's quite likely she'll need more from the OP in years to come.

But while there are lots of examples like the one you state, it's not always the case - ev my aunt had an amazing network of friends who held her when she had Parkinsons (albeit she died in her mid 60s so they were all pretty sprightly so that helped)

Because she wants to have strong relationships with her friends, which are the relationships she gets the most from. Not because she doesn't love her family, but because time with her peers is more fun/supportive.

I think you can lightly say it would be lovely to see her more OP, and think about suggesting things that she might enjoy for you do together - which you will probably have to diary well in advance.

No one is being unreasonable - it's fine for you to be sad about it, and fine for her to arrange her priorities as she has - sometimes people just have different needs. It is better than the other extreme, and judging by her providing emergency childcare when your kids were small, if does sound as if she would be there for you in an emergency.

My mum lives in another city, and her friends and family help her out a lot, even when she is sick. As she does them. I am glad she has found community.

Though I do expect to move her nearer to me in the next few years.

Watch and wait OP………the minute your mum has an accident, become sick or infirm she won’t see all her friends for dust! They'll all disappear as if they never existed and she’ll be left floundering, needing help herself and not one of them will offer a lift, bring in shopping, take her out for coffee……….the list goes on!

Agree with this. There is no “typical” parent of any decade, just people operating within the constraint of the times. If anything, the eighties saw an increase in “hands on” parenting even among mothers like me who worked part, then full time while their children were growing up.
It sounds like this lady is leading a full, happy and active life by her own lights. Good for her.

17 year olds are great company! DD2's friends are lovely. There is enough time in her life for both if OP's mum chose different priorities.

Isn’t it wonderful that your parents have such fulfilling lives. Many don’t. You’d complain if they were lonely and over-invested in your life. It is absolutely their choice how their spend their retirement.

My inlaws are super busy, often on holiday but always wanted to look after DDs one day a week. My parents were also actively involved while still having plenty of time to do what they wanted. We all helped one another out and no-one did more than their measure.

My parents both relied on me when they became elderly and unwell but I never felt any resentment about it as I was more than happy to do what I could. PIL are in their 80s now and still very independent but again I'd be more than happy to pitch in if needed, because I remember their kindness and generosity.

In the OP's case I'd definitely not feel that way.

I can't get my adult kids to visit my mum in her nursing home
She lives 5 minutes away from us and has done 4 years now .2 of them visited once .2 of them have never visited..you reap what you sew

She sounds incredibly selfish and that she has time for everyone except you and the grandkids. Wanting to be seen as kind, friendly and helpful to anyone, a pillar of the community, except to those who should be the most important. Sounds like a typical narcissist.

Unfortunately at 70 she isn't going to change, so it's up to you what you do with that information.

In five or ten years time your parents will start to likely need more help from you. Obviously you'll make sure you are far too busy with your own priorities and just can't find the time, what a shame. The kids will also have their own priorities as teenagers and no time for a granny who never bothered with them much.

Sounds like my parents and how they were with my children.
My mum ,and dad ,just weren't in to children,so only had me ,and nothing changed when I had kids ,not interested in them either.
I remember the odd time visiting with my DC ,and she sat in front of the TV in the lounge shut the door and chatted to adults in the kitchen..and that was my childhood..just not interested...going to visit my dad's parents it was exactly the same ..only no children s TV on ,racing was on the TV ,I was expected to sit quietly at 5 and watch it
Roll on to when she's needing help and I'm expected to pick up the slack .
Which obviously I do ..but maybe some one else would of said no

I knew there would be dogs involved as soon as I saw the title 😂

I actually grieved my DF when he got a dog. The dog is now old and not as demanding but there was a time when I couldn't have a conversation. I would say take heart your parent is enjoying retirement.

But why? My mum is 80 and very socially active. Still travels, sees her siblings, volunteers etc.

I will still look after her in her old age. I am glad she has such a full and lovely life. She deserves it.

Oh well. I would be busy when she came looking in her very old age.

But she’s doing all those things for other people.

Because she enjoys the company of her friends over a 17 yr old. Not very surprising.

If OPs mother is done with caring then why is she running all over for god knows who? She’s prioritising the wrong people, her neighbours won’t end up doing the same for her and then she will come looking for her kids.

I hear you OP and it is a bit sad. My mum had a very active retirement but she loved spending time with me and the children and always wanted to know our news. We felt the same about her. It is a shame you don’t have that with your mum and I can see why it would hurt your feelings a bit.