Anyone else’s retired parents too busy for them?

My parents were very like this, especially my mum. She has always "needed to be needed" and I think when we left home her volunteering escalated. If we went to visit she would make meals for us but in between she would be out rushing around doing favours and errands and my dad seemed to live at his sports club so we hardly saw them.

It was good that they were busy I think as it kept them mentally agile and physically fit. They're now in their 80s and age has caught up with them, they actually seem irritated that they are now tired and a bit doddery and can't physically do as much.

The only thing that annoyed me about their busyness was that they seemed to assume that we were not busy at all despite having full time jobs and small children. My mum would announce "oh I'm going to come up and stay for a few days in April" or "I'll come to yours for lunch when I'm on my way to Norfolk on Saturday " and would be really affronted if we weren't going to be there or already had guests. It was as if only mum was allowed to be the busy one!

Are you still connected by the umbilical cord? Let the poor woman have some her time!

I don't think she sounds selfish at all, I think she's just enjoying her retirement. She doesn't 'owe' you her time any more than you owe it to her. If she wasn't enjoying her retirement and sat just at home waiting for you to have time for her, I doubt that would be well thought of either? Older people are always being told to stay on the move, keep their brains active, keep their bodies active and to me that's what she's doing? She deserves to do what the hell she wants at her age.

The answer to your subject line is 'No' because my kids are too busy to see us (we're retired.)

From what you say your relationship has always been like this with your Mum. You say she didn't play with you or know what to do with you as a child.
It's nothing to do with being retired IMO.

She's not typical of her generation. I'm your Mum's age and my DCs are late 30s. However, I did work part time from when they were at nursery (mornings only) and am still working p/t now, self-employed.

For whatever reason, she wasn't the mum you wanted (then) and isn't now.
She clearly needs to be 'needed' hence her 'mothering' behaviour with friends, but it doesn't stretch to her own children.

I sense she's maybe unhappy deep down because people who need to be 'wanted' or push themselves onto other people as 'friends' often have some need not being met.

I wouldn't be surprised if the people she takes food to are heartily tired of her and want her to back off! Basically, she comes over as having few 'people skills' - either full-on or neglecting her nearest and dearest.

Question is- do you like her? Do you want more mum/daughter time or are you just sad she doesn't want that?

My own kids are too far away for me to offer hands-on help and they rarely see us , as they're too busy with work and their own children.

I’m 56 with a grown up child - my mum sadly passed a few years ago. This is my advice/ question. When I read your post I was wondering straight away what it is you would like from the relationship with your mum. Is it just that you’d like to see your mum more often and socialise with her? If so I’d say that to her and ask if she’s free sometime for a coffee or lunch (treat the relationship like a friendship). Or is there something else that you’re looking for? This isn’t about child care so what really is it about? Do you want a better/different relationship with her? Or maybe you would just like to be mothered yourself sometimes? (We all need a bit of mothering every now and then!) Or are you worried about her? Does her behaviour set off some alarm bells because she’s different than how she used to be? Ask yourself these things and see what you come up with. You don’t have to say on here. Try to think of her as a person without paying particular attention to her age. Sorry if this sounds a bit preachy, it’s not I’m just trying to understand what the issue is because you’ve not really said what it is you’d like from your mum (or your dad). It sounds like maybe you’d like more of her time in which case why not invite her round to yours. Just explain that you would like to get in that queue to see her! Good luck

My mum died not long into her retirement (she was 64) and I think my dad packed lots into his day, or week, to avoid being on his own in the house.
But I remember when DC were little, I called to see if we could meet at half term but he couldn't fit us in. Most of the things he was doing were optional "drop in" type events rather than committing to take someone to a hospital apt for example. I could understand why he wanted to be busy but I suppose i hoped there might be some flexibility to see children/grandchildren

I would say, enjoy this and hope it lasts - my elderly mum has lost most of her capacity now and her world has shrunk, she does nothing much but lie on the sofa dozing now. She's in her 80s. It's heartbreaking thinking of the busy person she used to be, involved in volunteering and hobbies.

It sounds like your mum is happy and fulfilled doing what she wants in life and that's great! My mum and dad enjoyed their retirement and went on holidays and saw friends all the time and I'm really happy that they had that after a lifetime of working hard and raising us kids. Now my mum is in her 80s and widowed and has mobility and sight issues and is unable to be so independent. I don't resent looking after her and I'm glad that she had her 60s and 70s doing what she wanted!

I think it's very hard to step out of parent mode and just enjoy your adult dc's company, like you would with a friend.

Why do you think its hard?
Im not being critical, just interested as its something I have never struggled with.
I never got empty nest syndrome when they left home at 17 and 22. However i love spending time with them as adults, going on trips, going to the pub, having meals out and seeing bands. I dont feel like 'mum' but part of a group of people that I like being with. Of course we are both emotionally available if they need us to be but on a day to day basis I enjoy not being a 'parent' anymore.

With regard to Op, mum sounds perfectly happy doing what she is doing but the suggestions of engineering reasons to met up could work and make her feel she has to help out.
Give it a go!

Does she ever do anything for you like batch cooking? I would've thought you'd find that much more useful than her friends would.
Why would you think that?
You don't know the friends situations.

Yes, it does sound like she is one of those people. I doubt you will change her but the suggestions here sound good.

Does she ever do anything for you like batch cooking? I would've thought you'd find that much more useful than her friends would.

My mum was one of those who demanded a lot of attention and amusement from her children and sulked if she didn't get it. I never wanted to be like her and make my children feel responsible for me so I tended to go the other way. Let them live their own lives and get together as and when. I sometimes wonder if they think I'm not interested in them because of that.

Very difficult to get it right. Especially if you haven't known the healthy way to do things.

If you ring her out of the blue and she has made arrangements she probably won't drop everything which is fair enough. Maybe text her and ask when and if she's free for a chat or an outing so it doesn't clash with other stuff? Then the ball's in her court and if she still doesn't make the effort, there's your answer.

I try and have good relationships with my adult dc. We speak nearly everyday. I’m interested in their lives. We spend time together etc. it’s sad that your mum doesn’t seem to want this and I totally understand how upsetting that must be for you.

on the other side it’s really nice that your parents seem to be very much enjoying retirement. Honestly my poor mil has spent hers being an emotional crutch and full time childcare for sil and gc. And now she’s just worn out physically and emotionally. We wish she’d put herself first and travelled, had hobbies and spent time with friends. Now she’s too frail and stuck at home. Awful.

it’s hard finding that balance I suppose x

I’m 59 and my DD is 19 and I love the relationship we have now. It has morphed more into a friendship, we do things together, not that often as we’re both busy but we message all the time. Yes I still worry about her and give her advice when needed, but also respect her right to make her own decisions. You have many lovely years ahead of you with your DD, cherish them!

This is such an interesting perspective, I’d never considered this. My children are still tiny but it often feels like my parents don’t really want to spend time with me
and now I understand a bit more.

i always thought if one raised a child to adulthood but didn’t like spending time together how pointless the whole thing was. This is interesting.

It does sound like your experience and your DCs were remarkably similar, I.e. your parents aren’t really ‘child’ people, they love you but don’t do things like craft activities, playground trips, pretend play. Your children are lucky to have you to engage with them.

It’s not a nice feeling being sidelined by your parent and understandably upsetting, so YANBU.

Maybe she is one of those who feel their worth is in what they can do for others, not in themselves. Cooking for neighbours? Doing the insurance? This says people-pleaser to me? And ironically the people closest often lose out. My best friend’s mum is like this, e.g. not being flexible to her daughter’s actual medical needs because she doesn’t want to ask a cleaner to change their schedule as ‘They really prefer Mondays!’ It’s hard.

Obsessively busy people often can’t stop because they are afraid of what might happen if they do. Could this be relevant?

All to say, it’s hard not to make yourself the focus of this behaviour, but the problem is not you, you are worthy of her time and attention and so are your kids.

She sounds amazing, good on her!

I don’t see why you’d assume this as a definite. Her friends may indeed turn out to be flakes, but my own parents group of friends never did. They drifted away and together many times over the years, but all were always willing to drop things to help out when any one of the group needed it.

Same. It’s my own fault for spreading mine out so much but I’ve had enough and I’ve still got a decade of active parenting 😂

That’s fine. She’s just not that interested in you. Remember to be too busy when she comes to you in later life needing support and remind her of that when she grumbles.

Some MNers have a crazy selfish attitude!

You see posts on here about parents that don’t have a full life, who are lonely and are berated for being emotionally needy and draining. But on the other hand if they do fill their time they shouldn’t expect any support when they’re older??! There is obviously a perfect sweet spot that is the only acceptable way for a parent to be. Perhaps try to be a bit more accepting and tolerant - you might find you don’t hit the sweet spot yourself in later life!

@Ellieshouse Having been in your position, I would try and be thankful that your Mum is busy and obviously a kind and generous person towards friends who may not have family of their own. You too have a busy life and it’s important she has a wide circle around her in later life so she’s not just relying on you for everything. This attitude is keeping her fit and active. The alternative for a lot of older people is having nothing to do, losing a sense of purpose, becoming lonely and ultimately depressed, which is far harder for everyone.

It’s as much to do with the time OP as you feeling hurt that she’s not caring enough about you or your relationship. The vast majority of us want to know our parents love us and are proud of us. By not making time for you, she’s not showing that enough and that’s what’s sticking in your craw.
Yes she is retired and that means she can please herself, no she doesn’t HAVE to spend time with adult children. But these things are completely missing the point of why you are feeling hurt. Your mum (no mater how old you are) is the one person who you would think would want to spend some time with you, love you unconditionally and be interested in your life. If that doesn’t happen, or you don’t feel it happens then it’s going to hurt.
You can talk to her and suggest that you would like to spend a bit more time with her- go out for lunch for a couple of hours, visit some gardens and grab a coffee- doesn’t have to be all day, just a couple of hours. If she won’t do that then you are somehow going to have to come to terms with the fact that she just doesn’t want to. That will be hard and hurtful but you can’t force her.
We get miserable when we place expectations on other people (rightly or wrongly) and they don’t live up to those expectations. I have found with some people, that by removing all expectations it’s helped me not to feel angry and hurt. It’s hard but it can be done.

Sometimes parents seem to be super keen to have their lives back .as they see it .many worked when DC young .they may want to reclaim this life balance. I am a GDM in waiting! I would love gdc .stayed home as a SAHM loved it.

My parents are no longer with us and I didn't have the same sort of relationship with them as you have with yours OP, but I can imagine how painful it must feel to you. It seems your Mum is mentally taking you for granted and just assuming that you are there when wanted/needed but not putting very much effort in. I can see that it's hurtful.

I think this sounds spot on. It used to be the same with my DM as well - I sort of think she doesn’t really know how to ‘do’ a more equal relationship with her own dc (i think her own DM wasn’t very good at parenting her as a child, so I think she has missed out on that sort of thing). But things have shifted now that she is older & frailer.