Anyone else’s retired parents too busy for them?

Too much watching of Eastenders I think back then!

The 80s was all about creativity, self-expression, child centred education, 'the good life' as we were weren't far behind the swinging 60s and the hippie generation.

This sounds like my ILs. All they wants to tell us about is which of their friends are ill or dead. They say to DS 'how is the football going' or whatever but don't give him a chance to answer. I don't expect them to make us the centre of their lives, but it is a bit strange that they know more about people that they sometimes haven't even met than about their own grandchildren.

It’s interesting the term 80s parent. I very much wanted my children to be able to think for themselves, problem solve and be independent so I encouraged friendships with peers and creative boredom in my kids. When you read articles about how sad and anxious this generation of teenagers are, I don’t think 80s parenting was that bad!

This. I know an adult child who has always expected this and sees a SAHM to an adult child as the perfect mum. She takes it as negligence if plans are not dropped for them or not centred around them - despite the fact they are pretty poor company and take no interest in Mum as a person with her own interests, needs, wider circle. She cancels too, which suggests she only makes arrangements as a test. Hugely tiresome.

My Mum and Dad are in their 80's now and are rarely around - they are in lots of U3A groups and choirs and goodness knows what to keep themselves busy and they take the commitments to the groups seriously.

They only live about 10 mins down the road but I don't see them much and its usually at my instigation. I used to have days out with my Mum shopping etc and to be honest I don't think she is interested/ or has the energy for this kind of thing and I'm not sure I do either.

They are there for me if I need them though, so I just put it down to us all being in a different phase of our lives. I tend to do more helping for them now with lifts etc if they have appointments and I am happy to do so.

Same here. This lazy stereotyping!

In the 80s I was all about wholefoods (way, way preceding the anti UPF drive), lots of child based activities (think Montessori style) heavily focused on educational content.

The way it's portrayed now is that we were all kicking the kids out of the door (nope, NEVER, stranger danger is NOT just a 2020s thing), smoking fags throughout the house, leaving the kids outside the pub) and ignoring them. Bullshit.

I don't recognise ANY of that stereotype from myself or my friends. And we were solidly working class.

I don't recognise what you say @ViciousCurrentBun .

I was born in the 1950s. Yes, there was definitely an expectation to marry and have children (at a younger age than now) but we also had careers.

I went to a grammar school and my peers (born early-mid 50s) ended up as scientists, lawyers, teachers, vets, Head teachers, just to name a few friends I know of. Many had children but a few decided early on not to. And they all carried on working till they reached their 60s.

My mother's generation didn't have the same outlook but they were born in the 1920s so that was a long time before.

Good on her. My mum, who lives alone, sits whole day in front of a TV or walks around the town buying random stuff. She will only take my kids regularly to the cemetery. I think your mum has a great life.

Some people are more cut out for family duties than others I guess.

I find being around my kids stressful. I always want to help them. It’s too much for me sometimes

Really? It's quid pro quo, is it?
Your choice, but I don't think that's a nice attitude.

She doesn’t want to be a baby sitter….respect her wishes!

I was born in the 1960’s and feel I’m part of the last generation, older GenX when you were really expected to marry and have kids and if you didn’t you were deemed weird or pitied. These women are a little older than me and would definitely have been under that societal pressure. A colleague from the sociology department where I worked said the passive aggressive behaviour of my MIL was probably because she didn’t have a choice in marrying and having children it was just an expectation. My friends Mother has been open about the opportunities my friend has had and is openly jealous and critical, she was married by 22 and had her first child immediately, just like my MIL. My friend like me settled at around 30 having had some adult years childfree.

I am not excusing their behaviour but some of these women probably just felt as if they had to and did not really want to without knowing.

My MIL really only seems to want stuff from us , she has never really done anything for us except 3 days of childcare in total. My Mother was not the worlds best Mother but having experienced MIL I realise she was really quite good plus spread thin as had 6 children and 10 grandchildren. More women in the past were reluctant Mothers, it’s only recently women can be vocal about and choose not to have children.

If your mum was needy, bored, lonely and placing excess demands on your time and energy you would have a worse problem. There are many of these posts on MN. I would rather have your problem.

Same but I consider that a great thing. My mum is in her eighties. Lots of friends. Always busy. That’s how it should be surely?

I agree with this (and sympathise @Fireflybaby as I have a similar DM).

But there is a balance because as we so often see on MN, there are plenty of Mums who live their lives through their kids and expect this, that and everything from their adult DC (which I've experienced)...interestingly not so much of what the OP has said in her post.

I'd rather my kids had a moan about 'never seeing me' rather than them saying to each other 'you deal with mum this weekend' or whatever.

My mom is a similar age to yours, my kids are still quite young. She loves them and sees them every week but never without me there. She also feels her life is extremely busy. I resent a bit that she never worked, had a cleaner, only had 1 child (and I was at boarding school for a few years). I don’t think I would if she didn’t criticise me about my parenting and housekeeping all the time.

She sounds absolutely fine. I don't know why you're looking to criticize her. She sounds independent and not particularly interested in you and your kids. But equally she's not as you say, manipulative, unkind or demanding.

Count your blessings.

Really interesting thread.

My DM is both fiercely independent & needs lots of help. It's very tiring.

Maybe suggest she needs to make more time for you? It might not have occurred to her.

I've got no relationship to speak of with my mother either but I did want to say that the choices aren't either having no interest in your children or being completely reliant on them, there is another way - some people do seem to enjoy their adult children and make space for them in amongst all the other things.

The problem you've got, @Ellieshouse is that your mother just isn't that in to you and from what you've said, it sounds like this is a long standing issue. I know with my own mother, she divorced my father in my late teens and moved straight onto someone else (there was overlap) and I feel like I am a remnant from a previous life. She doesn't seem to want to cut me off completely, but she doesn't want to make space for me either, I'm like an old piece of furniture she keeps in the garage and never uses. Some people have children but really aren't that interested in them and find them a chore. My own children are complete strangers to her, she's not interested in them either. A combination of all of this and other things means I don't make effort in her direction either, why would I?

But as others have said, you may find this changes considerably if she gets unwell or needs more support as she ages. I wonder sometimes if this is the reasoning behind maintaining minimal contact with adult children that you're otherwise disinterested in.

My mum is retired, she’s in her early 60s and she’s generally pretty fit and healthy.

She had a high flying career and is generally a busy person. She had all these plans for retirement, travel etc, but the reality has been caring for her elderly mother (she’s an only child so it’s a lot), and looking after my sister’s kids far too much (don’t even get me started…). Then her husband got sick and she cares for him too (although he’s not too demanding).

She was a great mum when we were small (if a bit overwhelmed) but she is so fed up with caring responsibilities. Just done with it now. I feel crap that this her retirement so far.

Women’s work, and all that…

What a jaded outlook. I know lots of people who have friends who would be there at the drop of a hat if needed. My parents had a wide variety of friends who helped them over the years. Maybe some of you need better friends!

My mum is busy calling me every single day and if I don’t answer she thinks something terrible has happened to me. It’s tiring

But it's a balance surely? OP's mum sounds like she goes OTT ferrying biscuits etc to all and sundry and having whirlwind of a social life but no time for her daughter.
That's hurtful.

Definitely a big element if this with my mum. She does the same sort of “parenting” now as she did when we were teens (my brother recently turned 60) - which is basically trying to get us to not have any fun. There is an element of not wanting us to be “spoilt” by stopping us doing anything frivolous or indulgent. This means as adults we can’t do anything basic together as it will become a teaching moment on indulgence, fecklessness and greed. Thinking about it, the times she seems to relax and enjoy our company is doing something like clearing out the garage or driving her home from dropping her car off for a service or painting the skirting boards. She can go to costa with her mates, but only the tip with me. You can’t even sit down on your own sofa and have a chat with her in your own home without her getting the vacuum out and treating you to a lecture on getting your jobs done and she never sits down in the morning - not a chance she is saying this while vacuuming her mates rugs at 11am on the multiple days a week she sits down and has coffee with friends.