Page 2 | Anyone else’s retired parents too busy for them?

Ellieshouse · 2025-09-15T15:51:59+00:00

Perhaps I’m just being needy, not sure. My mum is retired, she is 70, although she was always a sahm anyway. She’s a kind person but was always probably a typical 80s parent. Basic needs met but the children were sent off to play or go outside and not to bother the adults. My mum has made a very busy life for herself. She has two dogs, she’s very close to her siblings and they visit her regularly, she has many friends and she does a lot for all of them. For example she will batch cook and go around giving out meals to her friends and neighbours. She seems to do everything for everyone. For example taking her friends pet to the vets for them, sorting out her friends house insurance for them or ringing their energy provider. My children are older now, my mum never did full time childcare but she was always on hand in an emergency, but my dc stopped wanting to go their because she would just sit them in front of the TV while she did her errands or take them to visit neighbours and they would get bored. I don’t think I’ve had a conversation with my mum that’s last more than 5 minutes before she says she has to go because her friend is coming or she’s got to help a friend or the dogs need her. Like I say she is really kind she’s always offering to buy my child this or that but if you want her time you’ll have to join the back of the queue. Edited to say my dad is around so she’s not on her own but I don’t think he gets a look in either 🤣 I wonder sometimes if she has him locked in a cupboard.

choccychipcookies1988 · 16/09/2025 16:22

cardibach · 16/09/2025 11:16

Do you worry about that list of things at all times? I’m not sure why I’d be worrying about how those things affect me or my adult DD more when I’m with her than when I’m not to be honest - and she’s good fun. She’s witty and we have similar interests. Love spending time with her now we can have more of a friend vibe (though I do pay for more - my choice, she offers to split).

Show quote history

Oh god no I don’t worry about that list of things now at all 😂 I just worry about the usual toddler stuff atm ie making sure she doesn’t get hit by a car,
choke etc.

I just meant sometimes I do marvel at how when dc are older whether it is possible
to stop worrying about them and just enjoy their company or not if that makes sense. I don’t think I’m articulating it well

sounds like you have a lovely relationship with your dd :)

Timeforabitofpeace · 16/09/2025 16:14

I do think it’s a bit much for parents who don’t have time for family themselves, to then expect others to sacrifice for them later on . It’s just too much to expect.

readingmakesmehappy · 16/09/2025 16:13

My DPs complain that they don’t see enough of their GCs - but every time we invite them to join us for something they’re busy, and they never suggest seeing us. I wish they would make more of an effort.

LeticiaMorales · 16/09/2025 16:04

Autumnnow · 16/09/2025 15:09

Of course, I realise that sounds harsh. However, it does seem to be a common paradox that the parents who have done the least to support their children, demand the most support when they become old and frail. I'd have happily cared for my lovely, late mum given the opportunity. My elderly dad has never been the kindly sort of father one would wish for. I do support him in many ways out of a sense of duty but I'll never be his carer.

Show quote history

Well, I really don't know what the evidence for that is.
I don't think this woman is necessarily a bad parent; she's just not the kind of grandparent that the OP would like.
I would hate to think that would result in a response to a call from a geriatric unit "your Mum is confused and anxious, can you visit?'.
"Nah".
Because she did childcare, but not hands on enough? 😥

FieryA · 16/09/2025 15:40

I would be quite sad if my mother did not want to do things with me and spend quality time. My mom is quite busy with different things and I am so proud at how she is so active. Yet, our time together is precious and she cherishes that too. Though given your mom's parenting style of when you were a kid, it seems she has continued the same and now sees you as an adult- so job done.

Autumnnow · 16/09/2025 15:09

LeticiaMorales · 16/09/2025 10:07

Really? It's quid pro quo, is it?
Your choice, but I don't think that's a nice attitude.

Show quote history

Of course, I realise that sounds harsh. However, it does seem to be a common paradox that the parents who have done the least to support their children, demand the most support when they become old and frail. I'd have happily cared for my lovely, late mum given the opportunity. My elderly dad has never been the kindly sort of father one would wish for. I do support him in many ways out of a sense of duty but I'll never be his carer.

Boomer55 · 16/09/2025 14:44

I’ve got 2 adult kids and 5 adult grandchildren, and I love them all dearly. But, I’m not reliant on them. I’ve got my life going on and they’ve got theirs. 🤷‍♀️

We love all meeting up when we can.

After my DH died, I was determined not to be that needy parent, constantly whining about lack of visits etc.

They're all quite happy with this, and so am I.

And if I ever need care etc, then I’ll pay for it. 🤷‍♀️ I wouldn't dream of burdening them.

DeadMemories · 16/09/2025 14:28

Gall10 · 16/09/2025 09:48

She doesn’t want to be a baby sitter….respect her wishes!

RTT, the OP isnt asking for her to a baby sitter, OPs kids are old enough now not to need a baby sitter, the OP would just like her mums company now and again.

TreesWelliesKnees · 16/09/2025 13:22

notacooldad · 16/09/2025 08:31

I think it's very hard to step out of parent mode and just enjoy your adult dc's company, like you would with a friend.

Why do you think its hard?
Im not being critical, just interested as its something I have never struggled with.
I never got empty nest syndrome when they left home at 17 and 22. However i love spending time with them as adults, going on trips, going to the pub, having meals out and seeing bands. I dont feel like 'mum' but part of a group of people that I like being with. Of course we are both emotionally available if they need us to be but on a day to day basis I enjoy not being a 'parent' anymore.

With regard to Op, mum sounds perfectly happy doing what she is doing but the suggestions of engineering reasons to met up could work and make her feel she has to help out.
Give it a go!

Does she ever do anything for you like batch cooking? I would've thought you'd find that much more useful than her friends would.
Why would you think that?
You don't know the friends situations.

Edited

Thanks. Yes, I've sort of just answered your question in response to another poster. In short, worry about whether they are ok. We've gone through a lot as a family and I struggle to let go of being the 'fixer'. I wish I could relax more around them.

TreesWelliesKnees · 16/09/2025 13:15

RavenPie · 16/09/2025 08:51

Definitely a big element if this with my mum. She does the same sort of “parenting” now as she did when we were teens (my brother recently turned 60) - which is basically trying to get us to not have any fun. There is an element of not wanting us to be “spoilt” by stopping us doing anything frivolous or indulgent. This means as adults we can’t do anything basic together as it will become a teaching moment on indulgence, fecklessness and greed. Thinking about it, the times she seems to relax and enjoy our company is doing something like clearing out the garage or driving her home from dropping her car off for a service or painting the skirting boards. She can go to costa with her mates, but only the tip with me. You can’t even sit down on your own sofa and have a chat with her in your own home without her getting the vacuum out and treating you to a lecture on getting your jobs done and she never sits down in the morning - not a chance she is saying this while vacuuming her mates rugs at 11am on the multiple days a week she sits down and has coffee with friends.

Show quote history

This is a wake up call for me. Thank you for your reply. I don't want to be like that in ten, twenty or thirty years and I'm sorry your Mum couldn't make that transition into seeing you more as an equal, adult person. I think for me it's things like worrying about whether they're enjoying their food in a restaurant, whether they want to be there with me, whether they are able to share things with me or not. It's coming from love but it's tiring and gets in the way of me just enjoying them. I wanted the OP to know that sometimes it's not about not caring - it can be the opposite.

snoopymug · 16/09/2025 12:56

RavenPie · 16/09/2025 08:51

Definitely a big element if this with my mum. She does the same sort of “parenting” now as she did when we were teens (my brother recently turned 60) - which is basically trying to get us to not have any fun. There is an element of not wanting us to be “spoilt” by stopping us doing anything frivolous or indulgent. This means as adults we can’t do anything basic together as it will become a teaching moment on indulgence, fecklessness and greed. Thinking about it, the times she seems to relax and enjoy our company is doing something like clearing out the garage or driving her home from dropping her car off for a service or painting the skirting boards. She can go to costa with her mates, but only the tip with me. You can’t even sit down on your own sofa and have a chat with her in your own home without her getting the vacuum out and treating you to a lecture on getting your jobs done and she never sits down in the morning - not a chance she is saying this while vacuuming her mates rugs at 11am on the multiple days a week she sits down and has coffee with friends.

Show quote history

That must be hard. I think DH's parents are a bit like this to a certain extent. They live in a big house but lecture everyone else on expecting too much. They have a hardship mentality. If it's not difficult, you don't deserve it.

Goldleafcat · 16/09/2025 12:41

Gettingbysomehow · 15/09/2025 20:51

Well let's hope she doesn't expect you to drop everything when she gets to old to do all this stuff and is stuck at home lonely.
Mine was too busy to come to my registry office wedding she was busy with a friend that day!!! She had plenty of notice.

Oh my goodness! I’m guessing that’s impacted on your relationship?

EmeraldShamrock000 · 16/09/2025 12:38

Good for her, try connecting through something that she enjoys.
Go for lunch.

C8H10N4O2 · 16/09/2025 12:35

Ellieshouse · 15/09/2025 20:55

So roughly 50/50 on the votes.

I suppose I hadn’t really thought of it from her pov, I certainly wouldn’t want her to be sitting there lonely with nothing to do.

I guess it just feels a bit frustrating when you work full time and you ring your retired mum and she’s always too busy to speak.

Often she’s busy with batch cooking a meal for 10 of her friends 🤣 and I’ll think “well that was her choice”. But I suppose that’s the point, it’s her choice.

Do you expect your in-paid-work friends to be available for ad hoc calls at your convenience or do you assume that calls might find them busy or time needs to be planned?

Have you ever said to her “get your diary out, can we fix a time to do X together” in the way you would with paid work friends? Or do you assume that because you are in paid work and she has “only” ever been a SAHM that her time is not also busy and valuable?

She has clearly built a busy and active life independent of you whilst also being available to you for ad hoc help with DC when you needed it most. You seem to dismiss all this because her busy life is unpaid and does not leave her free to prioritise you when you have time to chat.

Its only on MN that I see this casual disparaging of SAHMs as if they have nothing else to do but sit around waiting for their paid work friends/relatives to call. Its the complete opposite of what I’ve seen IRL.

Rumors1 · 16/09/2025 12:01

Not that this is much help to you OP but I have the opposite, parents who have a very limited social life and are very dependent on my sister and I to occupy their time. They expect multiple phone calls every day and visits at least every second day. The conversations revolve around them and their health issues. The guilt and upset at how unhappy they are can be overwhelming as they never sugar coat their low moods.
Its very draining. We often have to hide the fact we are going on a day out/meal/drink as my mother will expect to be invited and she is very negative so can spoil the mood.
I would love if they had a more active life and were less dependent on us.

RosesAndHellebores · 16/09/2025 12:01

@Ellieshouse mother and MIL were busy, independent women. Nowadays a great deal of our time is spent co-ordinating medical appointments. MIL has stopped going put due to medical problems, mother has lost confidence after heart surgery - she's a former ballerina who two tears ago, aged 87, could still do the splits. Frailty arrives swiftly. They are both 89. We wish they were as they were two/three years ago.

Can't you just be glad your mum is still young, and fit and well.

Holycowhowmuch · 16/09/2025 11:54

You can have much less energy age 70 plus...obviously some can still be energetic. Often chronic illness , low level pain from say arthritis (which most aging bodies get) is very wearing. I was always energetic but just can't be now it takes getting used to its not easy to adjust to younger generations tend to have little patience they too will age

JacknDiane · 16/09/2025 11:23

Lots of good posts here

cardibach · 16/09/2025 11:16

choccychipcookies1988 · 15/09/2025 18:13

This is interesting I’ve never read someone voicing this but sort of makes sense to me already (my dc is 2😂). As I already can’t imagine ever stopping worrying about her and can see how it would be worse when her problems can’t be solved by a cuddle. I do marvel how people have relaxing days out with older dc without worrying about the job market, their relationship, friends, mortgage, COL so your post makes a bit of sense

Show quote history

Do you worry about that list of things at all times? I’m not sure why I’d be worrying about how those things affect me or my adult DD more when I’m with her than when I’m not to be honest - and she’s good fun. She’s witty and we have similar interests. Love spending time with her now we can have more of a friend vibe (though I do pay for more - my choice, she offers to split).

Heartofglass12345 · 16/09/2025 11:16

It does make me laugh with my in laws, I’ve been with my husband for 13 years and they’ve both been retired the whole time. They came with us to my sons sports day last year and my son got to finish school early so we asked if they wanted to come over for a bit, and they said no because my FIL had to go to screwfix 🤦‍♀️

Theworldisbig · 16/09/2025 11:13

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 16/09/2025 11:11

It’s because they are retelling a story to you whereas listening to your grandchild talk about his football requires listening. You will find the friends of your parents will know an awful lot about you and your family even if they haven’t met you.

Show quote history

I don't really see how that's possible, given I've been married for 15 years and my inlaws know absolutely nothing about me.

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 16/09/2025 11:11

Theworldisbig · 16/09/2025 10:36

This sounds like my ILs. All they wants to tell us about is which of their friends are ill or dead. They say to DS 'how is the football going' or whatever but don't give him a chance to answer. I don't expect them to make us the centre of their lives, but it is a bit strange that they know more about people that they sometimes haven't even met than about their own grandchildren.

Show quote history

It’s because they are retelling a story to you whereas listening to your grandchild talk about his football requires listening. You will find the friends of your parents will know an awful lot about you and your family even if they haven’t met you.

MiserableMrsMopp · 16/09/2025 11:06

ScarletVelvetSlippers · 16/09/2025 10:46

Too much watching of Eastenders I think back then!

The 80s was all about creativity, self-expression, child centred education, 'the good life' as we were weren't far behind the swinging 60s and the hippie generation.

Show quote history

That is exactly what I remember! Wanting a small-holding (while in reality not having a clue what I'd have done with one). Very leave the nappy off, play outside in the dirt, incorporating education into play, Tumble Tots (which are still around incidentally), water play, sensory play, reading, phonics etc etc. We didn't do full-on vegetarianism but incorporated lots of veggie meals, baked our own bread etc.

LeticiaMorales · 16/09/2025 11:01

WhiskyintheJarr · 16/09/2025 09:05

My mum is retired, she’s in her early 60s and she’s generally pretty fit and healthy.

She had a high flying career and is generally a busy person. She had all these plans for retirement, travel etc, but the reality has been caring for her elderly mother (she’s an only child so it’s a lot), and looking after my sister’s kids far too much (don’t even get me started…). Then her husband got sick and she cares for him too (although he’s not too demanding).

She was a great mum when we were small (if a bit overwhelmed) but she is so fed up with caring responsibilities. Just done with it now. I feel crap that this her retirement so far.

Women’s work, and all that…

Edited

That's such a shame. It's just been a lifetime of caring for others. I hope she gets a break soon.

LeticiaMorales · 16/09/2025 10:59

PrissyGalore · 16/09/2025 10:34

It’s interesting the term 80s parent. I very much wanted my children to be able to think for themselves, problem solve and be independent so I encouraged friendships with peers and creative boredom in my kids. When you read articles about how sad and anxious this generation of teenagers are, I don’t think 80s parenting was that bad!

Absolutely! Plus you're spot on with the creative boredom.