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AIBU?

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Original poster

Curfew for live-in nanny?

243 replies

NotableI · 15/09/2025 16:35

A is a live in nanny, she works several evenings for the family but also has several nights off a week. On her nights off, she often goes out to dinner or to the pub with friends, and might not get back home til 10 or 11pm.

B is A’s employer. She finds A arriving back late inappropriate and disruptive given there are small children in the house, as it risks waking them up, and disturbs the parents who have to get up early. She’s asked A to ensure she’s home by dinner time.

In A’s view, her nights off should hers to do with as she pleases, as they are her only opportunities to see her friends, and she shouldn’t be held to a curfew when she’s not working, or being paid by B.

In B’s view, A is treating the house like a young adult house share and not adjusting in line with living in a family home. She still has the right to set rules about living in her home, even if they’re not within the scope of the job.

Who IBU?

(I am neither A nor B and this isn’t something that’s happening in my own life, but inspired by a recent discussion)

OP posts:
MyMilchick · 15/09/2025 17:02

B is totally out of line, you can't tell another adult they have to be home by dinner time on their nights off! She can ask her to be more quiet when she's coming back in the house or she can employ a non-live in nanny but i expect she'd have to pay a live out Nanny far too much.......

InMyOpenOnion · 15/09/2025 17:02

NoisyLittleOtter · 15/09/2025 16:56

We once had a next door neighbour (terraced house) who asked us to be home by 9pm as our door woke her up, apparently. Also batshit, like B in this scenario.

That's absolutely bonkers! Coming on MN is a real eye opener to the existence of such people.

Bruisername · 15/09/2025 17:02

AudHvamm · 15/09/2025 17:00

Eh? I live in a small flat and DH and I both manage to return at 10/11pm without disturbing each other or our child. Unless A is being ridiculously noisy then B is being completely unreasonable and controlling.

We find returning at 8pm much more disruptive as right in the middle of bedtime.

I wonder if maybe part of the problem is that B doesn’t want to do bedtime!!

MrsDoubtfire1 · 15/09/2025 17:01

It is not a prison and A is presumably adult. If I were A, I would tell B where to put her job! She can hopefully find a nice job with a rich family where she has her own rooms and time off without being curfewed.

AudHvamm · 15/09/2025 17:00

Eh? I live in a small flat and DH and I both manage to return at 10/11pm without disturbing each other or our child. Unless A is being ridiculously noisy then B is being completely unreasonable and controlling.

We find returning at 8pm much more disruptive as right in the middle of bedtime.

MissMoneyFairy · 15/09/2025 17:00

Is the nanny allowed to have friends round, do the parents ever go out and don't get back till 11pm, have the parents or kids ever been disturbed by the nanny coming home, will the parents have a curfew on their teenagers if they dare stay out late.

Bruisername · 15/09/2025 17:00

If she’s not allowed out past dinner time then it’s not really her night off so perhaps they should pay her for those hours too!

totally unreasonable and sounds like they want the advantages of a live in nanny without the disadvantages

on the nights the nanny babysits what time do the parents roll in?

MidnightPatrol · 15/09/2025 16:59

B is unreasonable and controlling.

Home for tea time, honestly.

IneedtheeohIneedtheeeveryhourIneedthee · 15/09/2025 16:59

No way can she place a curfew on an adult!
But the nanny should be making an effort to be quiet when she comes home, just as everyone else in the household should.

PestoHoliday · 15/09/2025 16:59

As long as A isn't banging doors or otherwise making a racket, of course she can stay out on her evenings off. B is completely out of line.

KeepScrapingBy · 15/09/2025 16:56

You can ask her to be quiet when she comes home and expect her to be fit for work the next day. But you can’t impose a curfew.

C152 · 15/09/2025 16:56

The employer is being unreasonable. Coming home at 10pm or 11pm is not late (though front door should be closed quietly to avoid waking people up). If the employer doesn't like it, they should pay more for a live out nanny.

NoisyLittleOtter · 15/09/2025 16:56

We once had a next door neighbour (terraced house) who asked us to be home by 9pm as our door woke her up, apparently. Also batshit, like B in this scenario.

Pollqueen · 15/09/2025 16:52

brunettemic · 15/09/2025 16:45

A would be telling B to stick her job where the sun doesn’t shine if I were A.

This. A needs to look for another job

Elsvieta · 15/09/2025 16:52

B is nuts, and won't keep staff for long if s/he treats them like that.

It's A's home; she lives there. People get to come and go from their homes as they choose. If you can't deal with that, don't have a live-in nanny. (Perhaps B should consider whether they'd like to pay A more so she can live out).

Lots of people who live with their families in "family homes" go out and come home at 11pm. Regularly.

NorthSouthEast · 15/09/2025 16:49

user2848502016 · 15/09/2025 16:37

B is being unreasonable, assuming A is not making loads of noise when she gets home, 11pm is completely reasonable.

This.

InMyOpenOnion · 15/09/2025 16:49

Oh God this reminds me of an Airbnb I almost booked, before I saw their "house rule" that you had to get back before 8pm and not cook past that time either because the owner lived below and didn't like the floorboards creaking!

11pm isn't really late, and as long as she's quiet then it's not a problem. The employer sounds like they really want a live out nanny.

NinetyPercent · 15/09/2025 16:48

@NotableI Please turn voting on as surely 100% must think B is unreasonable?!

sydneyr · 15/09/2025 16:47

B is being completely unreasonable. If she is going to hire a live in nanny then they have to accept that the nanny will have a life away from the house and the kids. She either offers a room/part of the house that’s away from the rest of living quarters or accepts that the nanny can come and go as she pleases. Or gets a nanny that just comes to the house as when required.

A is entitled to do what she wants with her time off. Even if that meant staying out all night as long as she’s there and fit for work the next day.

A should or will likely leave the post as it’s totally unfair for them to have to live their life as dictated by an employer

Lucytheloose · 15/09/2025 16:47

B needs to realise that it's not the nineteenth century any more.

NotABiscuitInSight · 15/09/2025 16:46

The employers are controlling nutters.

Lafufufu · 15/09/2025 16:46

Assuming B isnt clattering around A is being unreasonable. B also may well vote with her feet leaving A up shit creek.

If B is a decent nanny A would be an idiot to jeopardise the relationship over 10-11.... if it was 2am or 4am maybe they have a point
But 10/11 is when most adults go to bed anyway.

B should get earplugs or prepare to find a new nanny.

Ophir · 15/09/2025 16:45

B sounds insane.

10 or 11 isn’t late

brunettemic · 15/09/2025 16:45

A would be telling B to stick her job where the sun doesn’t shine if I were A.

FrenchandSaunders · 15/09/2025 16:43

If she stumbles in off her nut and is noisy then that's out of order ... otherwise it's completely up to her what she does in her spare time. They sound a nightmare to work for. In by dinner time 😂