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AIBU?

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Original poster

Curfew for live-in nanny?

243 replies

NotableI · 15/09/2025 16:35

A is a live in nanny, she works several evenings for the family but also has several nights off a week. On her nights off, she often goes out to dinner or to the pub with friends, and might not get back home til 10 or 11pm.

B is A’s employer. She finds A arriving back late inappropriate and disruptive given there are small children in the house, as it risks waking them up, and disturbs the parents who have to get up early. She’s asked A to ensure she’s home by dinner time.

In A’s view, her nights off should hers to do with as she pleases, as they are her only opportunities to see her friends, and she shouldn’t be held to a curfew when she’s not working, or being paid by B.

In B’s view, A is treating the house like a young adult house share and not adjusting in line with living in a family home. She still has the right to set rules about living in her home, even if they’re not within the scope of the job.

Who IBU?

(I am neither A nor B and this isn’t something that’s happening in my own life, but inspired by a recent discussion)

OP posts:
Foodylicious · 15/09/2025 18:22

B is definitely unreasonable
Also, is B always home for teatime?
Never gets home from work or socialising after the kids are in bed??

Friendlygingercat · 15/09/2025 18:20

This all sounds very Victorian when live in servants were tightly controlled by their employer. There needs to be some compromise. A must undertake to come home quietly and make strenuous efforts not to wake the household. However she is an adult and you cannot tell her when to go to bed on her nights off. If a compromise cannot be reached after having an adult conversation then A might be wise to seek another post.

Lunde · 15/09/2025 18:20

Shortdaysalready · 15/09/2025 17:34

Sorry I don't understand.
Surely B when she offered the job had the right to stipulate conditions of employment. It's her house and she should have the right to say when non family members can come into it.
I accept that if this wasn't made clear when she offered the job there's not a lot she can do about it afterwards
Personally I would hate to have a stranger living in my home and would never have employed a live in Nanny anyway. It's forfeiting all privacy in your own home. I would hate to have strangers letting themselves into the family home after the family were in bed.

Edited
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You can't dictate how employees use their time off

Hankunamatata · 15/09/2025 18:19

Parents are completely unreasonable. They cant dictate what many does on her free time or what time she comes home.

Assuming she isn't falling around the house drunk or slamming doors - and adult coming in shouldn't wake the kids.

Househassles · 15/09/2025 18:18

NotableI · 15/09/2025 17:51

Almost unanimous then! I will stress again that this isn’t something happening in my life, and was just inspired by a discussion I was having with a friend. I wonder if the responses would be different if the curfew was later but still imposed?

It's an absolute no to any curfew from me. The only way it might be reasonable is if A were a minor - let's say the teen daughter of friends of B doing a kind of informal au pair job over the summer. But that's not the case here. And even then it should be agreed in advance.

Needspaceforlego · 15/09/2025 18:16

Assuming she is a qualified nanny and over 18 I don't think its fair or reasonable to impose a curfew.

What is reasonable is to ask she is quiet 🤫 and she is fit for work in the morning, ie not exhausted or still under the influence of drink (or drugs)

Ponderingwindow · 15/09/2025 18:13

A should come in quietly.

If the home is not set up in a way that someone doing their best to enter quietly and go to bed wakes people up, then it is not appropriate for a live-in nanny situation. B needs to recognize that a live-in nanny is a privilege that might not be available.

Shatteredallthetimelately · 15/09/2025 18:12

Home by dinner time?
That's no life outside working hours.

In my opinion unless A is coming home really late and doing the conga through the house waking everyone up B is being incredibly unreasonable.

Tartantotty · 15/09/2025 18:09

It's her life you should not control her free time and have no right to do so. However, make sure she does not disturb you or the kids when she gets home.

CinnamonBuns67 · 15/09/2025 18:09

B is being controlling, I think it's fair enough to ask her to be quiet when arriving home but not to demand she's home by a certain time. If B cannot live with A having a normal social life then maybe a live in nanny isn't for her and it should be set working hours with nanny living elsewhere?

Longingdreamer · 15/09/2025 18:08

B is unreasonable.

A should come in quietly so as not to disturb others.

It is worth noting the power imbalance in this situation. I hope A is being supported.

JamieCannister · 15/09/2025 18:08

Facecloth · 15/09/2025 16:38

A should be able to go out for her evenings off and return without disturbing the house.

But if she is quiet and the front door or squeaky floorboards are very noisy then that is Bs problem, not the nanny's

NotToday1l · 15/09/2025 18:06

Blueberry911 · 15/09/2025 16:36

She shouldn't be waking everyone as she comes home.

No she shouldn’t but also her nights are her own and if she isn’t disrupting people she should be allowed to stay out until 10/11 if she wishes….the employer sounds controlling, the nanny is young and deserves to have a social life, if she isn’t allowed that she will probably leave anyway

PrettyPickle · 15/09/2025 18:04

Oh interesting question! I'm assuming the Nanny is in England and is employed?

In the UK, If A is employed as a live-in nanny (not an au pair or volunteer) has the same employment rights as any other worker. That includes:

  • Freedom during off-hours: If she’s off-duty, she’s not being paid to be available, so she’s entitled to spend her time as she wishes.
  • No legal curfew: Employers cannot legally impose a curfew on adult employees during their personal time. Doing so could be seen as overstepping boundaries and infringing on personal liberty.

That said, it’s a shared living space, and mutual respect is key. Whilst A should be free to go out and return when she likes, she also has a responsibility to:

  • Be quiet and considerate when coming home late.
  • Avoid disturbing children or family members, especially if the home has thin walls or light sleepers.

What works best? Communication. Rather than enforcing a curfew, families and nannies often agree on household norms—like texting if returning very late, or using a side entrance if available.

So in short its a no to a curfew but a big YES to mutual respect.

SallySuperTrooper · 15/09/2025 18:02

What are Bs thoughts on what A should be doing then when she clocks off? Sitting in silence in her room, or is B and partner covertly trying to get A to work on?

Bccbonbon · 15/09/2025 18:02

Curfew? ! What is this, a convent? 😂 She's not your slave, can do what she wants in her off evenings as long as she's quiet and doesn't disturb you. Are you in the UK actually? Cos slavery not acceptable here.

Digdongdoo · 15/09/2025 18:00

NotableI · 15/09/2025 17:51

Almost unanimous then! I will stress again that this isn’t something happening in my life, and was just inspired by a discussion I was having with a friend. I wonder if the responses would be different if the curfew was later but still imposed?

I don't agree with a later curfew either. Presumably a live in nanny would be someone you have a reasonably close and trusting relationship with. There should be enough mutual respect that they don't need to impose bedtimes upon one another.

MyElatedUmberFinch · 15/09/2025 18:00

CausalInference · 15/09/2025 17:58

Even a later curfew is ridiculous, she should be able to sleep elsewhere on her nights off and return for work at whatever she time she starts in the morning. Unless she is being paid overnight to look after their children they can't dictate when she's there when she on her own time. It isn't unheard of for people to have relationships and a job!

I agree, sounds like B wants a slave.

Pigeonsandgiraffees · 15/09/2025 18:00

Shortdaysalready · 15/09/2025 17:58

Unless she is a family member, a friend of the family, or had a prior connection to the employer then she is a stranger.

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OK.

😂

CausalInference · 15/09/2025 17:58

Even a later curfew is ridiculous, she should be able to sleep elsewhere on her nights off and return for work at whatever she time she starts in the morning. Unless she is being paid overnight to look after their children they can't dictate when she's there when she on her own time. It isn't unheard of for people to have relationships and a job!

Shortdaysalready · 15/09/2025 17:58

Pigeonsandgiraffees · 15/09/2025 17:54

The nanny isn't a stranger.

I suspect B would have a huge problem trying to find a live in nanny prepared to go along with such an arrangement. I can't imagine there would be many folks willing to accept such an arrangement. You'd have to be utterly desperate to take the job, surely? And the whole time you're working there you'd be looking for a different job where you're not trapped in someone else's home every evening!

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Unless she is a family member, a friend of the family, or had a prior connection to the employer then she is a stranger.

Autumnpug7 · 15/09/2025 17:57

Sounds like it's not working her living there , perhaps she needs to live elsewhere and be a daily nanny not live in

babyproblems · 15/09/2025 17:57

user2848502016 · 15/09/2025 16:37

B is being unreasonable, assuming A is not making loads of noise when she gets home, 11pm is completely reasonable.

I think this too. She doesn’t need to wake everyone up when she comes home

Shortdaysalready · 15/09/2025 17:55

Notonthestairs · 15/09/2025 17:50

Good luck attracting a nanny that has to be at home for dinner time even when she's not working.

Employers dont own live in staff.

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Of course they don't own the staff.
It's a business arrangement.
The employer sets out the conditions of employment and prospective employees have the right to not take the job if they don't like the conditions - or the pay, or the employer, or the children, or the location. Whatever.
If the employer can't find anyone to take the job with the conditions she is offering then so be it. She would need to compromise or find another solution for her child care problems.

Bruisername · 15/09/2025 17:55

I don’t think there would be a problem with a curfew of midnight but with the understanding the nanny could stay out as long as she’s in time for work the next morning

but it would have to be agreed at job offer stage

ultinately if you have live in staff you have to accept it is now their home though