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AIBU?

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Original poster

Curfew for live-in nanny?

243 replies

NotableI · 15/09/2025 16:35

A is a live in nanny, she works several evenings for the family but also has several nights off a week. On her nights off, she often goes out to dinner or to the pub with friends, and might not get back home til 10 or 11pm.

B is A’s employer. She finds A arriving back late inappropriate and disruptive given there are small children in the house, as it risks waking them up, and disturbs the parents who have to get up early. She’s asked A to ensure she’s home by dinner time.

In A’s view, her nights off should hers to do with as she pleases, as they are her only opportunities to see her friends, and she shouldn’t be held to a curfew when she’s not working, or being paid by B.

In B’s view, A is treating the house like a young adult house share and not adjusting in line with living in a family home. She still has the right to set rules about living in her home, even if they’re not within the scope of the job.

Who IBU?

(I am neither A nor B and this isn’t something that’s happening in my own life, but inspired by a recent discussion)

OP posts:
TY78910 · 15/09/2025 19:56

10/11pm is not late, sorry. A is not property of B, she is her own person. If it was 2am/3am I’d have a little sympathy but B is vvvvvvv unreasonable, and controlling at that. Au pairs are not slaves.

Butchyrestingface · 15/09/2025 19:52

NotableI · 15/09/2025 17:51

Almost unanimous then! I will stress again that this isn’t something happening in my life, and was just inspired by a discussion I was having with a friend. I wonder if the responses would be different if the curfew was later but still imposed?

I don't understand why you've started a thread about a hypothetical situation that isn't actually happening, apparently to ANYONE (since the topic was merely 'inspired' by a discussion with a friend)?

I mean, I may as well start a thread about whether it would be reasonable for me to attach myself to a home-built rocket and launch it off my roof in the first attempt to send a total idiot to Mars. 🚀🚀🚀

puffyisgood · 15/09/2025 19:52

10PM would be an utterly ludicrous curfew for a grown woman, just madness.

And, having someone getting in at say 11PM or later and stomping past my room up the stairs might potentially annoy me a little as a middle aged person, if this childcare by the sound of things regularly works evenings it is understandable that they might often want to go out on their nights off...

indoorplantqueen · 15/09/2025 19:52

B is unreasonable. Asking an adult to come home at dinner time?
equally A should be quiet when she comes home. 10 or 11 is not particularly late, even on a school night.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 15/09/2025 19:50

There shouldn’t be any curfew. She’s the nanny not a child!

Cucy · 15/09/2025 19:46

A should not have any curfew

It does not matter if she comes home at 5am.

The issue is her making noise.

I wonder how much noise she can possibly be making though - do they live in a small flat, have a yappy dog?

TheHillIsMine · 15/09/2025 19:44

I had a curfew but I asked for one as easier to tell my then boyfriend I had to be home by a set time.

Seems B wants to control every night of A's life. Awful.

nosleepforme · 15/09/2025 19:43

user2848502016 · 15/09/2025 16:37

B is being unreasonable, assuming A is not making loads of noise when she gets home, 11pm is completely reasonable.

Yes

Futurept · 15/09/2025 19:43

I think it depends how she's being paid. If living in is a 'perk' and she's otherwise paid a fair hourly rate, I think a curfew is fair and she can find other accommodation for her nights off. If the live-in arrangement makes up part of her pay she should be able to live how she pleases (with consideration for the rest of the household of course)

PassOnThat · 15/09/2025 19:41

B is far too uptight to have a live-in nanny.

Imo having a live-in nanny only really works if there's some degree of separation between the family bedrooms and the nanny's room so the nanny can come and go freely. My SIL has a live-in nanny who has a bedroom downstairs off the utility room, which sounds dreadful but is actually great as they can't hear each other, the nanny doesn't have to walk through the house to get to her room so has more privacy and can use kitchen/washing-machine/downstairs bathroom at night without feeling like she's bothering anyone.

User21548967 · 15/09/2025 19:39

jetlag92 · 15/09/2025 19:37

I suspect it's not a nanny, but an au pair. That scenario is so unlikely otherwise, terms and conditions would have been agreed beforehand.

I was wondering if this was the case as well.
But the OP used the word nanny which means they get a salary....and a contract.

usedtobeaylis · 15/09/2025 19:38

It would be completely unreasonable to set a curfew. Fucking hell. Her time is her own. It should be an issue IF she is actually disrupting anyone or unable to do her job, and even then the solution is not a curfew.

jetlag92 · 15/09/2025 19:37

I suspect it's not a nanny, but an au pair. That scenario is so unlikely otherwise, terms and conditions would have been agreed beforehand.

deirdrerasheed · 15/09/2025 19:37

Depends if A is a binge drinker? If you are A has anyone else said anything about your drinking?

Endofyear · 15/09/2025 19:32

Do the parents never have an evening out and return at 10 or 11? Of course they're being ridiculous but it's their house, their rules so if A doesn't like it, she should leave and find another job. I would imagine the parents are going to find it quite difficult to keep a nanny!

Sunnyscribe · 15/09/2025 19:28

I don't think she should be imprisoned in your home after dinner time no. She needs to make an effort to come in quietly and not disturb everyone. Like if she was coming in, banging round in the kitchen, on the phone to her friends then yeah this is our of order, she needs to come in, sneak up to her room and doomscroll on her phone in bed or something

tortoiseshellclip · 15/09/2025 19:23

This is a bit bonkers. No adult should have a curfew...but it would be totally reasonable of the employer to say 'if you are out late, please try to be quiet when you come in so as not to wake the kids.'

However, if the nanny was rolling in after midnight all the time, I'd totally be questioning if she was up to the job of looking after small kids during the day!

Nextdoormat · 15/09/2025 19:23

Never had a nanny or been a nanny or known a nanny but my understanding is that good ones are very much in demand so if the employer thinks she has a good one should treat her well. You get out what you put in. Nanny should of course be quiet, probably is, but her time is her time, ridiculous expecting a young person to be home by dinner🙄p

MyDeftDuck · 15/09/2025 19:22

I can see both sides of this…….. A is entitled to spend her time off as she wishes but should also be respectful when arriving home late so as to not disturb the rest of the house. B should accept that they cannot set a time by which B should be back home but has a right to expect consideration from A. And A should ensure they are fit to start work at the specified time the following morning.

DuesToTheDirt · 15/09/2025 19:19

The family is unreasonable. She isn't a prisoner. Noise is a separate issue, and she should be minimising the noise when she comes in. If this isn't possible, perhaps the house isn't big enough for them to have a live-in nanny.

Wishitsnows · 15/09/2025 19:15

You cannot impose a curfew on an adult employee! A needs to find a new job. I bet they are taking advantage in other ways too.

CeciliaMars · 15/09/2025 19:13

You can’t ask an adult to be home by dinner time in their night off! They just need to come in quietly. If you can’t cope with this, you shouldn’t have a live in nanny.

Hoopsof · 15/09/2025 19:12

Poor, poor nanny. Needs a new job. Her employer is clearly bananas (unless A is returning home totally pissed and playing the trumpet).

MustWeDoThis · 15/09/2025 19:11

NotableI · 15/09/2025 16:35

A is a live in nanny, she works several evenings for the family but also has several nights off a week. On her nights off, she often goes out to dinner or to the pub with friends, and might not get back home til 10 or 11pm.

B is A’s employer. She finds A arriving back late inappropriate and disruptive given there are small children in the house, as it risks waking them up, and disturbs the parents who have to get up early. She’s asked A to ensure she’s home by dinner time.

In A’s view, her nights off should hers to do with as she pleases, as they are her only opportunities to see her friends, and she shouldn’t be held to a curfew when she’s not working, or being paid by B.

In B’s view, A is treating the house like a young adult house share and not adjusting in line with living in a family home. She still has the right to set rules about living in her home, even if they’re not within the scope of the job.

Who IBU?

(I am neither A nor B and this isn’t something that’s happening in my own life, but inspired by a recent discussion)

She shouldn't be waking everyone, but at the same time she should not be dictated to. It sounds a bit like harassment and bullying in the work place, but outside of working hours...?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 15/09/2025 19:07

NotableI · 15/09/2025 17:51

Almost unanimous then! I will stress again that this isn’t something happening in my life, and was just inspired by a discussion I was having with a friend. I wonder if the responses would be different if the curfew was later but still imposed?

Still as ridiculous and not legally enforceable.

In terms of employment law - not possible as her own time is precisely that.

In terms of accommodation (as though she were a lodger) - not possible as she's an independent adult with agency over her own life.

It's not just policing her sleep and movements, it's policing her sex life to expect to have the right to do this - and it's very close, if not over the line, on coercive control.