To not want my daughter near a little boy at school after what I saw this morning?

Yep.

My disabled son is in mainstream education and it's working well but only because he has an expensive EHCP package with 1:2 TA's.

I would caution speaking to the school about this unless something happens directly with your daughter. The school will most likely be aware and as a parent of a SEN child with tendencies like this, I can attest to how difficult it can be. As soon as that higher processing part of their brain switches off (which happens when kids are having big feelings), it’s can be really difficult to bring them down again especially if SEN or MH needs are there. Finding a supportive school and community for children like this is challenging enough without having to deal with judgement from other parents. Maybe you could strike up a conversation with the parents of the boy and ask how he’s getting on starting school. You might be surprised how forthcoming they are if you just chat with them. You’d probably feel better too instead of keeping them and their child at arms length.

You want a handhold for witnessing a child have a meltdown!!?? Jesus.

Can you imagine if this occurred in your life 8 times a day and you were woken 4 times a night 354 days a year. Then maybe you could ask for a handhold.

I don't know what year 1 is but I'm thinking 6 or 7? You don't know if this is a one off or a regular thing. Some kids have meltdowns once in a blue moon and never harm anyone else, they isolate themselves til they calm down. What you saw doesn't necessarily mean this child is difficult or violent. It's only a few weeks into new term so if a child is ever going to meltdown it's this week.

I agree that children with those behaviours are not in the right place or getting the right support. If you read through the responses from SEN parents you’ll see how desperate many have been for their child to have better support or go to a special school instead, and how much of an impossible battle it can be- even when there is overwhelming evidence that they need to be in specialist settings. Most SEN parents are the ones pushing for there to be better funding and provision and more accessibility to SEN schools- the very things that will actually make this situation better for everybody involved.

Until this changes not much else will. Sadly I also see the same types of users who are so critical of Sen children and their parents also criticising the expense of funded special school places, the child in their DCs class getting a full-time 1-to-1 (which may be what’s keeping them calm and under control), the free taxis taking disabled children every morning (because the nearest special school is 45 minutes away!)

But anyway, this OP isn’t even talking about that sort of level of violence within classroom time, just that her DD observed from a distance a child having a bit of a meltdown before school.

When it gets to that point, everyone knows that the child shouldn't be in mainstream education but unfortunately, specialist schools don't happen instantly and parents and schools have to fight to provide evidence that mainstream education isn't suitable for the child.

It should be easier but specialist schools have limited places and some specialist schools can cost a fortune and naturally, the local authority will always not want to spend money.

"Handhold accepted"? no babe, no one's holding your hand. Get a grip.
From my experience, the child has behaviour issues. He will most likely be fine within five mins of going through the doors. The child doesn't need parents like you judging him behind his back for behaviour he so obviously cannot control.

I actually think you should go to the school and tell them your worries. They will educate you on neurosensitive children.

The trouble is that even in mainstrem now, that the target for being kept safe is the SEN child. I take it non of you have seen some of the psots regarding the child who attacked his teachers, biting, pulling hair, landing one in hospital. pretty much wrecked the classroom - but they wern't allowed to intervene to protect the other children or themselves becuase the kid was special needs and needed "understanding" or some such claptrap. At that point they should not be in school.

It’s AIBU not a “please give me some support” forum.

and posters are forthright in their responses

🤷‍♀️

I thought this was supposed to be a 'safe' place to get some perspective and advice, but some of the comments on here are unreal.

OP you're entitled to feel unsettled. However, put yourself in that boy's parent's shoes for a moment. Maybe the boy is well behaved at home and the parents were taken by surprise or, more likely, this happens alot but they were too scared to respond to him for fear of what everyone watching would say. Or, they just don't know how to handle it, so let it play out, which sadly, is rarely successful. You'll have to get used to this sort of thing, you're DD is only 6 you've got another 12yrs of this ahead of you. As a parent we have to teach our kids that there will always be people they'll have to work with that they may not like, but we teach them the skills to navigate that.

You really can't say anything to the school unless or until your DD come homes telling you the boy did something. Even then, go very carefully, 1 solitary incident is forgivable, if repeated that is not okay. The likelihood is the teacher would call you or take you aside at the end of the day, "there was an incident, we're handling it", type of thing.

The child obviously needs discipline if he misbehaves teachers will take care of him I would not worry

Sorry but this is very self-pitying.

No one thinks you or your son are “less than”. Honestly, I’m only interested in how things affect my child. She has violent kids in her class. I don’t think they are “less than” nor am I worried about them being “contagious” but I am worried that she may be hit by a chair or have her learning disrupted, yes. I’m not massively interested in the why

YABU.

Him showing all these big feelings towards his parents has no bearing on your dd and them being in the same class.

Has your DD ever mentioned this child? At 6 mine would tell me if a classmate hurt them or scared them. Mine will tell me "X was really sad today, they went in the little room with their friend to do lego with Mrs Y" etc. But he's being raised with empathy for others.

I really feel for his parents. My eldest has sen and he isn't physical when he's in crisis luckily but he would cry everyday going into school. I know people judged me for it (other parents and teachers) and I still feel sorry for them, that they've been raised with zero care or curiosity for what's going on for other people.

My son regularly hits me and swears at me. And his dad. To every other person on the planet he is the nicest, sweetest kid, as he is with us when he isn’t having an anxiety-induced meltdown. He has never laid a finger on anyone else and I genuinely think it wouldn’t even occur to him to. Please don’t judge a snapshot of a person’s life.

of course a teacher wouldn’t choose your daughter to keep safe and protect ahead of the other kids in the class.

The child is possibly autistic/ADHD, having a meltdown (not a tantrum!) due to overwhelming anxiety. In which case his actions are completely out of his control and that of his parents. This absolutely does not mean that he is violent in class or with other children.
He and his family need empathy, not judgement.

Most likely he only does that with his parents and masks at school. You’ve not received any complaints from your daughter so mind your own business and concentrate on your own child

Good lord. Seriously?

You have no idea what you saw. You saw a glimpse of a child’s morning and have leapt to judgements. He might have SEN, he might be poorly behaved and he might have just been having a strop. It won’t be contagious don’t worry, the parents will know they’re judged regardless.

I have a 7 year old son with SEN. He’s at a specialist SEMH school, he is restrained when required and can be incredibly verbally and physically aggressive when dysregulated. He has diagnosed AuDHD and PDA. He’s always been this way. It still took 3 years, £15k being suspended multiple times from pre school, two mainstream primary schools (one in an ASD unit) before the council would even consider specialist. Unfortunately to get to specialist we had to send him somewhere, which he couldn’t cope with even on a reduced timetable. He didn’t actually harm the other children because he wasn’t allowed in the school, he just ran around a playground in all weathers for 45 minutes a day before being picked up in place of any education.

I’m aware I’m being judged every day, every glance. I know I’m less than and I know my son is less than. But I also know I work 100x harder than NT parents just to get his uniform on, to get in the car or to walk around Tesco. I use skills I didn’t know I needed just to survive. For the record I’ve done the course. Every parenting course that exists. The initial gambit from any and all professional will be to blame the mum (no one suggested a parenting course to DH) and blame me for being anxious/too soft/too rigid/too strict accordingly.

Don't worry, he’s at a specialist now so you won’t have to have him inflicted on you or near you. You can complain about his expensive transport or education on another thread. We’re both totally isolated.

Why is MN so toxic? She is simply asking for advice from other mums. Jeez.

Welcome to today's world. Your daughter unfortunately will be surrounded by kids acting out hitting ect. There will be multiple with additional needs in each class who will explode regularly. All you can do is explain to her about additional needs kids and encourage her if she sees it happening walk away.

Have you asked your daughter about him (and other classmates)? As other pps have said, it could well have been a meltdown about coming to school when he didn't want to, and a lot of children will act out in ways with parents or siblings that they wouldn't with others. He could be a lovely classmate, he could have anger problems, he could hate school - often kids have a pretty good idea of what their classmates are like, so she'll probably be able to give you a better picture of what he's like and that may put your mind at ease, or let you know if he is rough with the other kids.

Wow!!!

what a lovely and understanding parent you are…..!!! Your child is amazing I take it?

For all that you don’t know…. This child might have Autism and the parents might not know yet.

Posts like this make me so angry!!!

My daughter has had a little boy like this in her class for the last 6 years and funnily enough he's one of only about two boys she doesn't mind. She understands he has additional needs and she's really sensitive towards SEN children but I think crucially she has also said he actually doesn't attack or harm the other children, not once. Yes he's disruptive and disrupts the whole class sometimes but the children have never been in any danger from him as far as I can tell. So I would just see how she goes at school.

DD1 was always described as a lovely child but one teacher in Y3 managed to have a seating plan that didn't work for her - so got excessively more stressed - and two weeks in started having an issue going into school last few days it wa slike this.

Fucking teacher tried to balme everything - home life - and point blank refused the easy fix of moving where DD1 sat.

It got resolved - but she wasn't being nauhty just struggling to cope and was unpleasnt for all of us to go through. She was finally diagised with dsylexia, dysalai and inattentive adhd at 19 at uni.

DN is currently occaionally kicking off - my Dsis is single parent and her ex has ADHD - everyone think it likely DN has and he struggles in school. They've just been told they won't look at diagnosis till he 7 - (been there with our kids) - anyway he has occasional morning like this. Last time was because a teacher touched him gentle to hurry him up/poistion him - huge meltdown - distresssing for DN, Dsis and teacher - ane yes probably people and other young kids around. He's never hurt another child though has been hurt a few times.

It's perectly possible this is NT child who just had a really bad morning and is overwelmed. Feeling judged by others just make a diffcult situation harder for everyone in it.

Thinking back 50 plus years ago I was that child. I still remember how it felt. I was absolutely terrified of going to school and leaving my Mum.
Id had a bad experience at a home based play at about 3 years old where my tears were not treated kindly. I remember a massive tantrum where I kicked and screamed and bit the sleeve of the play school teacher as I was so terrified. Roll on school and I was so distraught I couldn’t handle the playground. I was so self conscious, so shy and nervous the kindly teacher used to sit me in with her and give me a biscuit, share her tea and met me read to her. I felt safe with her. Slowly I gained a bit of confidence but it wasn’t until junior school I was 7 years old I was able to cope better. You will pleased to know however I graduated university with a masters in computer science and went on to have a successful career earning a 6 figure salary. I can handle myself as a female pretty well amongst all the alpha male sales guys and have travelled extensively around the world in my twenties.
I’ve never hit anyone unless they hit me!
I guess what I’m saying is children do grow up !

I also suspect I’m autistic with ADHD and hyper sensitive. I’ve worked very hard internally to overcome anxiety and regulate myself. My daughter does have a diagnosis ( late) and I struggle with her. She also had dreadful separation anxiety.

Your feelings are natural to worry about your daughter but she is going to encounter all sorts of situations and children and not all of them will be reacting because they are potential knife wielding psychopaths.

Kindness and tolerance and understanding of difference and the hard stuff other parents have to face is a skill you yourself will need to master to help your daughter become resilient. You cannot wrap her in cotton wool. The world is waiting. I think you will end up amazed at how well she will cope.