Feel like a single mum at the minute

I feel for you - I'm in pretty much the same situation with my 'D'H and kids at the moment. You are not being unreasonable!!

I made a comment to him the other day about something and the next thing I was being accused of being 'controlling'!

Haven't really got any more advice on top of what others have already said. I'm at the stage now where I will be sitting them down this weekend and giving out lists of tasks they can all do (putting their washing in the basket and making their own lunch etc) and if they don't do it, they wont have what they need/want! I'm too exhausted to be having the same conversation all the time. Its hard getting the kids to do more around the house when they don't see BOTH parents doing their fair share,

Well done for going postal on them. Now you have to keep it up with your DH and channel your best "feeling lucky punk?" Dirty Harry until it starts to sink in.

It's no good if he steps up for a few days then goes back to being a lazy arse.

A defined split of some tasks is often useful because men seem to understand specific instructions better than using their initiative. I handed over laundry and ironing to DH who, after a few washing disasters, got his head around it and does a good job.

Horses for courses and all that.

Drafting in a paid person to do what people in the home are capable of doing if they all muck in, isn’t a good solution.

So if a single mum is financially secure and has a good support network, she shouldn’t consider herself a single mum? She has it just as easy as a mum who has a husband who pulls his weight? That’s a strange take. When my husband was away for work for extended periods, my sister (who is a single mum) reckons I had it much harder than she did. She lived close to my parents who could pick up any balls she dropped. I had no-one. I never considered myself a single mum, that was her take on it.

We all knew what OP meant, we don’t need to be reminded that some people have it harder than others, whether they are single or not.

Don’t underestimate what all your kids are capable of. At 7 years old, despite her being disabled, my daughter was involved in household chores. She could empty and fill the dishwasher, clean bathrooms, vacuum (in her own way), change her own bed, put a wash on. If you give them responsibility, they can do it.

Write a list of all the chores in the house, give them a number they need to do (less for the littles, more for the older ones) and ask them to pick which ones they want to do. Teach them what needs to be done and set timings for them. DH will be involved too, he picks his tasks as well. They can sulk all they like, but the bottom line is, you will NOT be doing their chores on your own time. If the laundry isn’t done, they have no clean clothes. If their lunch isn’t packed, they don’t get lunch. If you have to do something because they wouldn’t, they don’t get the lift to wherever they want to go. If the dishes aren’t done, the WIFI goes off. Set up a separate kids wifi (which you should have anyway with proper parental controls on it) which you can switch on and off at will.

Stand firm, don’t get angry, just calmly remind them of the rules. As you sit with a coffee and read a book. It will feel like chaos for a short while but nothing focuses a child’s mind quicker than realising the privileges they have come with responsibilities.

You didn’t spoil your children. They have two parents. He’s as responsible for how your kids are as you are. If they see him getting away with doing less because mum does it, they will follow his example.

Did you point out to him what you had done and what he should have been doing at home? I'd just be interested in whether he could see your point once you clearly said.. I did X, Y, Z, etc.. and haven't sat down since 8am this morning.. Or perhaps he is still just sulking and refusing to admit you have a point at all!

You’ve said he isn’t lazy and is a great dad yet have gone on to describe all the ways he actually isn’t.

Be clear, be direct and stop being a push over.

That includes the kids as well. They’re all old enough to be able to do things around the house.

Unless you are SOLELY financially responsible for your kids then you are not a single mum. You are not even close! Saying you are, is offensive to those of us who ARE doing it all solo….100% solo, with no co-parent.

YABU because you write he isn’t lazy. But if he’s watching you kill yourself doing the vast majority then he is lazy. Very lazy. And awful. That’s not loving to you.

if you think it’s just that he’s simple then you need to clearly spell it out to him. Give him a list for the supermarket, text him things he needs to do. And say I’ll prompt you for a few days and then I expect you to continue and use your own initiative doing adulting. Tbh im shocked you’ve let this continue for years before getting fucked off. I have 3 kids much smaller than yours and I tell my husband when he’s not pulling his weight and he knows it!!

If you both work can you afford to hire a cleaner outside help.

The 14yo can surely walk, cycle or take the bus to the gym. More exercise that way too!

And without that partners income as well

Threaten/ bribe kids unto doing more of their own stuff until it becomes second nature. I was a single parent, my kids did have to sort stuff out from a young age as I wasn't their slave and wanted to instill good habits.

As for the husband, yeah let him sulk

Sorry @Boymummy2015 I cross posted earlier about the single parent thing.
I didn't mean to join a pile on.

With my ex I had the same attitude as you with the not helping and the sulking. I totally ignored the sulking and I stopped doing his washing, cooking etc. I just breezily got on with my life and looking after the kids, because he needed me more than I needed him.
It was the beginning of the end though, because I'd just lost all respect for him and it was a pointless way to go on.
Being a lone parent is doing it on your own but at least without that resentment of having a "partner" in the house who is watching you struggle.

He was a total shit though and there were much worse things going on with him.
Hopefully your husband is decent and will step up when he realises you're serious and you can sort it out.

At that age your children should be sorting out what they need for school and a lot more responsible for cleaning and housework in general.

A single parent is usually coping on their one salary. You have two full time salaries coming in. If you need more support in the house and your DH won’t step up, then use his salary to employ some additional help.

DH is good with (some) housework so I can't fault him much there he will get involved and do his share
comes home, hoovers up, puts a few clothes away
I'm a single parent and this is nothing like being a single parent so YABU for that.

He's not doing enough though and he's being a twat for sulking when you called him out.
Can you write down every single thing that you do and everything that he does and ask him to explain how he thinks it's fair?

It's hard with the kids, you've got to be consistent and firm.
I go through phases where I say they need to help more and make them do it but then it slides because it seems easier to stop nagging and just do it myself. So I'm not that great at taking my own advice.

You are not being a brat and you need to have an honest chat with your DH about sharing the workload and with your DC about expectations. But please don't call yourself a single parent ( at least not to your friends). I was a single parent and having no physical or emotional backup at all and all financial pressures being on me were a really big part of that. I remember being really hurt when one of my friends with a high earning husband said she also felt like a single parent.

I am seriously considering doing exactly this.

No you aren't.. lol.

You sound just like my sister, does everything in the house, constantly complains about lack of contribution from her husband and child.. but STILL carries on doing everything around the house and everything for them.

She occasionally loses her shit and has a go at them, they may begrudgingly do the task that she'd already asked them 10 times previously, but they don't ever change the pattern going forward, she's the main breadwinner too and she is at breaking point, but they never step up.. housework, laundry, shopping, cooking is ALL seen as her job which they occasionally 'help' with, I don't know why she tolerates it to be honest.

I asked my nephew once why he doesn't just help when his mum asks him and he says if he ignores it enough times she does it herself with no repercussions for him.. says it all really, he has never had to contribute anything around the house growing up and now doesn't see it as something he should have to do., he's a nice lad.. but he is lazy and incompetent and completely takes his mum for granted.

With a 7 year old, you've got at least another 10 years of this, it's never too late to change, but it's YOU who needs to change before they will!

Stop being a martyr. Tell your DH that he does the homework this week while you are getting dinner or the other way round. On weekends tell him he does the laundry one day you the next. You know share the load.
And get a cleaner if that helps , they can strip and remake the beds for one thing (the my kids did their own from about age 12).
And I am an actual single parent (widow) and it’s not the same at all - there’s way more to parenting than the physical stuff. I did EVERYTHING, including the financial and emotional part.