That DH has gone out for lunch

My dh and I don’t usually book things in advance and we haven’t been out for a while either. It’s my birthday coming up and he’s already suggested a few places we could go as he’d like to spend the day together but we’ll only really know the night before what we can do.

I understand why you’re upset but maybe the friend suggested doing something and your dh thought it might be fun. I guess next time maybe tell him you’d like the spend some time together when it’s a birthday.

Yes. But he seems to have time to go out with mates

So why didn’t you ask him yesterday whether you were going to lunch as normal?

It sounds a bit like you set him up to fail a bit, or that you wouldn’t be happy no matter what he did.

I don't think you're being entirely unreasonable here. You are being a bit unreasonable because you should have organised lunch with him and made sure he understood you wanted to do something as a family if his work allowed that. On the other hand, it sounds like maybe he didn't want to commit to doing something with you in case a better offer came along (like going out with his friends). Or maybe he just didn't want to tell you he'd already planned to see his friends as he didn't want an agument, in which case he is BU. It's difficult to tell without knowing the full conversation from the night before, and how he usually behaves is situations like this. In any case, I think you need to have more open and frank conversations in the future regarding plans like this.

OP, when did he arrange the plans with his friend if he's so last minute?

I don’t get this at all. I understand his work is unpredictable but last night you could have said ‘shall we go out for a birthday lunch tomorrow if you can get away’ and then if things looked ok this morning you confirm the lunch. It’s also fine that he’s gone for a mates lunch instead especially as you never actually suggested a family thing. And you can still go out for dinner even though you’ve got young kids, just go somewhere casual and don’t stay out too late if they get tired. Or do tea and cake at home if you’d rather. But I don’t get what the perceived ‘issue’ is and if you want to do lunch you wouldn’t suggest lunch.

For goodness sake she's a bit miffed but it's still her husband's birthday and she hasn't blown anything out of proportion, that's why!

I voted YABU as he should be able to do what he wants on his birthday.

If we have other plans, then we make a pact to celebrate it together another day.

If this ‘day by day’ thing is a pain then set expectations for next year, that you’d like to agree something in advance.

So how are these lunches normally sorted? If this is something you always do why was today different?

So are you annoyed that he's not celebrating his birthday with you and DC, or are you annoyed at a missed opportunity for you to go out?

If it's the latter, can you arrange going out for lunch on another day this week?

Did you make it clear when you asked him what he was doing that you wanted to do something with him?
Because just saying to someone "what are you doing tomorrow?" puts the responsibility on him to organise his own birthday.

You can’t expect him to be a mind reader - if you wanted to go out for lunch with him, you should have asked him the day before at least.

You can still order a takeaway for tonight or arrange dinner if you want.

Thing is, even if we accept he works day to day and won't plan a week ahead, you still asked him "if he had any plans" rather than saying "Let's go out for lunch tomorrow".

YABU.

Well if you wanted to have lunch with him then you should have said so.

Yes I get that he works day to day etc, and its difficult to plan anything, but surely a 'if you are free on your Birthday, shall we do lunch?' would have been sufficient. Asking him if he has plans, and suggesting doing something together is totally different.

Maybe he doesn't see his friend often and thought it would be nice to take the opportunity to catch up with them.

Can you not go out for dinner with him later?

I'd expect friends and non-immediate family would see him for a birthday lunch, and then he'd spend the evening dinner/cake with us, his immediate family

“I didn’t arrange anything and then DH did”…

I wouldn't be too upset. You can still have the cake later.

It's his birthday and you're making it about everyone but him. It's not like you'd suggested lunch to him so how was he supposed to know you wanted to go out as a family?

This. You could have done that. And why are you baking all kinds of things for him if you're angry? Doesn't make sense to me. I wouldn't want cake, etc off someone who was upset with me.

If he is a farmer then it's pretty common to work all hours unfortunately and this must be something you understood when marrying him and having children?

If you want a meal out why not book one. If he's free great you all go if not you cancel or you and the kids go instead?

YABU as you didn’t actually arrange to do anything with him.