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Original poster

That DH has gone out for lunch

113 replies

Farmwifefarmlife · 15/09/2025 13:56

With his friend rather than us on his birthday ?

DH birthday today we don’t do anything fancy but normally go for lunch or dinner. I asked him yesterday his plans for today if working ect ( he’s self employed) he said he wasn’t sure. Then this morning he says he’s going for lunch in town with friend. Me and DC are left at home and I feel a bit put out tbh especially as I’m currently baking a cake and making home made donuts for him!
AIBU to feel a bit miffed and that we all could have gone out as a family.

OP posts:
tumblingdowntherabbithole · 15/09/2025 15:20

Farmwifefarmlife · 15/09/2025 15:05

It’s only the one friend & probably 3-4 times a week, I joke he spends more time with “friend”
than me he’s a father next door and they are always helping eacother.

Show quote history

Ah, so there we have it - you’re pissed off that a work friend (and therefore work) has come first again.

smallpinecone · 15/09/2025 15:11

So you’d like him to spend his birthday doing what you want him to do, rather than what he’d actually enjoy?

OuijaBoard · 15/09/2025 15:08

Unless he has a history of dishonesty, I'd guess he told you the truth yesterday when he said he had no firm plans, then his friend asked him late yesterday or today if he had plans and when the answer was no, invited him for a birthday lunch. (I have friends who would be quite insistent on taking me out under these circumstances, although you might have expected that your husband would have said he was probably going to lunch with you and the children if that's what you all normally do). YANBU to be a little bit surprised/disappointed but I don't think that your husband or the friend have done anything wrong. If it's still bothering you I'd probably ask him about it - did he not expect your usual lunch even though no firm plans? - and see what he says. You said in one of your follow-up posts I did say then that we could of gone out as a family if he’d of told me the evening before he was going to be around; did he respond to that?

Samscaff · 15/09/2025 15:07

Farmwifefarmlife · 15/09/2025 15:06

I agree that’s what I should have done. We just normally do and I was just surprised this morning that’s all.

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Fair enough!

Donury236 · 15/09/2025 15:06

You're not BU.

Yes, you could have said last night that if he isn't doing anything does he want to go get lunch as a family...BUT ALSO, he could have said this morning "I'm meeting X, we could all go as a family".

That's how we do it in our house. For birthdays its a family meal and we can invite others if we wish. It is also usually decided the day off as we are a bit useless like that, and often OH might be offshore.

What sticks out is that he didn't ask you if you wanted to go...Though I would assume that maybe if he had said "X has asked me to meet them for lunch as its my birthday, is that ok? I've not seen them in a while. Do you want to come or shall we do something after?" That you would probably have been totally fine with it, told him to go have fun and then baked as you are now to have a wee tea party when he gets in, yes?

Original poster
Farmwifefarmlife · 15/09/2025 15:06

Samscaff · 15/09/2025 15:05

When he told you yesterday that he wasn’t sure what he would be doing today, I don’t understand why you didn’t say "Lets go out for lunch! Where would you like to go?"

I agree that’s what I should have done. We just normally do and I was just surprised this morning that’s all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Farmwifefarmlife · 15/09/2025 15:05

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 15/09/2025 15:02

Family doesn’t always have to come first.

How often does he see his friends?

Show quote history

It’s only the one friend & probably 3-4 times a week, I joke he spends more time with “friend”
than me he’s a father next door and they are always helping eacother.

OP posts:
Samscaff · 15/09/2025 15:05

When he told you yesterday that he wasn’t sure what he would be doing today, I don’t understand why you didn’t say "Lets go out for lunch! Where would you like to go?"

Original poster
Farmwifefarmlife · 15/09/2025 15:04

FieryA · 15/09/2025 14:59

Knowing his work schedule, don't you have a set plan in place for such occasions? Or there shud have been a discussion to say- if you are busy in the day, we will do X in the evening. I agree it's a bit insensitive to go out last minute with his friend. Did you not discuss any birthday plans today morning either? Such as, let's cut the cake at lunch or shud we go to Y today?

Not really no that’s not really how we work I understand I should of been more firm and said let’s go out if your free it’s just we normally do and DH isn’t big on taking time off from the farm so I was just surprised that’s all.

OP posts:
tumblingdowntherabbithole · 15/09/2025 15:02

Farmwifefarmlife · 15/09/2025 14:56

There isn’t a huge problem I just feel a bit miffed, we will still do the usual birthday dinner at home / cake ect we just don’t spend much time together just feels like he’s choosing his friend over his family a little today that’s all.

Show quote history

Family doesn’t always have to come first.

How often does he see his friends?

skippy67 · 15/09/2025 15:01

Once your a parent your birthday isn't really about you

Blimey.

FieryA · 15/09/2025 14:59

Knowing his work schedule, don't you have a set plan in place for such occasions? Or there shud have been a discussion to say- if you are busy in the day, we will do X in the evening. I agree it's a bit insensitive to go out last minute with his friend. Did you not discuss any birthday plans today morning either? Such as, let's cut the cake at lunch or shud we go to Y today?

Original poster
Farmwifefarmlife · 15/09/2025 14:59

dottydaily · 15/09/2025 14:57

you asked him yesterday what the plans were for today, so i assume he taught nothing was planned,,and therefore made arrangements to meet his friend. You could of said "for your birthday tomorrow shall we all go for lunch somewhere" but you act like he should know what he is thinking.

yes You’re right I would of just thought after 20 years it was fairly normal as that’s what we’ve always done but I should of been more definite and will be next time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Farmwifefarmlife · 15/09/2025 14:57

BountifulPantry · 15/09/2025 14:56

Could you head out tomorrow instead?

I can suggest it but DH doesn’t usually take time off to go out for lunch ect that’s why I’m so surprised he’s gone with a friend we’ve not been out for lunch in over 6 months.

OP posts:
Anywherebuthere · 15/09/2025 14:57

It's his birthday and you didn't plan anything anyway. You just asked about his plan but didn't put a plan forward yourself.

dottydaily · 15/09/2025 14:57

you asked him yesterday what the plans were for today, so i assume he taught nothing was planned,,and therefore made arrangements to meet his friend. You could of said "for your birthday tomorrow shall we all go for lunch somewhere" but you act like he should know what he is thinking.

Original poster
Farmwifefarmlife · 15/09/2025 14:56

ruethewhirl · 15/09/2025 14:55

He'll still get to celebrate at home with you, so I'm not sure I see the problem?

There isn’t a huge problem I just feel a bit miffed, we will still do the usual birthday dinner at home / cake ect we just don’t spend much time together just feels like he’s choosing his friend over his family a little today that’s all.

OP posts:
BountifulPantry · 15/09/2025 14:56

Could you head out tomorrow instead?

ruethewhirl · 15/09/2025 14:55

He'll still get to celebrate at home with you, so I'm not sure I see the problem?

BlurryEyesAndChubbyThighs · 15/09/2025 14:54

Go to dinner together instead ?

Namechangerage · 15/09/2025 14:54

Farmwifefarmlife · 15/09/2025 14:48

It definitely won’t be an argument at all we aren’t like that. It’s just normally a family thing in the 20 years we’ve been together we’ve never not done birthdays together. It’s a farming friend he sees 3-4 times a week. That’s all I feel just a bit left out he’s gone with a friend when me and dc are at home. It’s not a huge issue but I am clearly being unreasonable.

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You’re not.

some people plan things in advance and that’s fine. You’ve said you don’t so this is a bit of a slap in the face to you. You were asking him his plan (in other words saying you wanted to spend the day with him)

He either knew he had plans and lied. OR made the plans knowing you wanted to spend the day with him. Both are shit.

Original poster
Farmwifefarmlife · 15/09/2025 14:48

neveradmit17 · 15/09/2025 14:42

Some people on here are really giving you a hard time, OP. I agree with you - what's with suddenly having lunch with a friend when usually he won't be pinned down for anything? I suppose it's not worth an argument or anything but it's a bit 'off' to last minute bugger off to eat when he could have gone out with you and the kids.

edited to add : you must be nicer than me because I would be thinking he would rather spend time with the friend rather than you. Who is this mate, anyway?

Edited

It definitely won’t be an argument at all we aren’t like that. It’s just normally a family thing in the 20 years we’ve been together we’ve never not done birthdays together. It’s a farming friend he sees 3-4 times a week. That’s all I feel just a bit left out he’s gone with a friend when me and dc are at home. It’s not a huge issue but I am clearly being unreasonable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Farmwifefarmlife · 15/09/2025 14:45

WeNeedToTalkAboutIT · 15/09/2025 14:31

For goodness sake she's a bit miffed but it's still her husband's birthday and she hasn't blown anything out of proportion, that's why!

Edited
Show quote history

I’m definitely not angry just slightly miffed we don’t spend much time together and birthdays are something we normally celebrate together as a family in the 20 years we’ve been together we’ve never not. I always bake a cake I bake a lot pretty petty to not bake a cake.

OP posts:
neveradmit17 · 15/09/2025 14:42

Some people on here are really giving you a hard time, OP. I agree with you - what's with suddenly having lunch with a friend when usually he won't be pinned down for anything? I suppose it's not worth an argument or anything but it's a bit 'off' to last minute bugger off to eat when he could have gone out with you and the kids.

edited to add : you must be nicer than me because I would be thinking he would rather spend time with the friend rather than you. Who is this mate, anyway?

Original poster
Farmwifefarmlife · 15/09/2025 14:40

mamabeeboo · 15/09/2025 14:33

OP, when did he arrange the plans with his friend if he's so last minute?

Edited

I’m presuming last night / very early this morning. He told me his plans at 7am
this morning.

OP posts:
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