That DH has gone out for lunch

I would also be upset OP, why should you be stuck at home baking a cake when you haven’t been out together for 6 months? You sound very tolerant. I would definitely say something.

• Don't apologise for how you're feeling.

It is very odd for him to leave you and young DC at home and meet a friend he sees multiple times a week. Especially as it's what you usually do for birthdays, and you haven't been out for lunch as a family in six months.

Posters on AIBU will tell you you're unreasonable for breathing, @Farmwifefarmlife. It's often not a place you can get a reasonable reality check anymore. Just judgement and nitpicking.

Done apologise for how you're feeling, YANBU.

Yes! Misconceptions about self-employment are rife. People seem to think it means total control over your work schedule. For many self-employed people it’s almost the opposite. Ask any criminal barrister. They might be able to block out a holiday without someone telling them they can’t go away at that time of year, but they don’t know what they’re doing tomorrow morning! Oh and then they have to cancel the holiday….

Why not go out for lunch another day as he has been out with his friend?It seems odd asking him if he had any plans and then not even suggesting g lunch if he was available. Maybe he went out with his friend as you don't appear to have made much of an effort to organize anything.

I don't think you're being unreasonable.... He should want to spend his birthday with you and your dc. Then have a drink etc with friends another day...
If be dining.. Never mind it's his birthday, surely he should want to spend it with his significant other??!!!
Sorry this has happened for you.. Another uncaring man!!

This.

Asking someone what their plans are for their birthday is absolutely not the same thing as telling someone you'd like to celebrate their birthday with them by doing xyz if they're free.

I can't tell if the passiveness is because what OP really wanted was her DH to initiate plans with her and so was presenting him an opening to do that instead of actually inviting him to do something for his birthday (his birthday isn't the time for that game, btw) or if it's just a default communication pattern. But if the friend is the only one who actually invited him to do something for his birthday then going out to lunch isn't unreasonable.

But it's lunch, not an all-day trip three counties over. Get the DC set up with cake and presents and an early dinner together so you can also celebrate him as a family.

Certainly isn’t in our house. My first son was born on his Dads birthday. My second son was then born on his Dad’s birthday. Dad no longer has a birthday….🤣

Maybe DH felt you were U for right up until the morning of his bday, arranging or suggesting something. So when his mate said fancy a bday lunch he thought why not?

You were asking him his plan (in other words saying you wanted to spend the day with him)

That's a bit of a leap though.
Asking someone their plan for the next day, does not equal "saying you wanted to spend the day with him"

If anything, the fact he said he had no plans, and the OP didn't then suggest something, implies she didn't want to.

If she was implying she wanted to, then the conversation would have gone:
OP: "You got any plans tomorrow?"
DH: "no"
OP: "Shall we go to that pub over in the next village at lunchtime then? Jane was saying they've got a new menu. It will be nice to do something for your birthday"

I don't think you're unreasonable OP. It depends what is the usual and accepted way of celebrating birthdays in the household if the birthday person is free. It sounds like the custom is to celebrate together with a daytime meal out.

H did not communicate that he might want to do something different/without you this year if he was free. He just sprang on you last minute (despite knowing you were keen to know he was free) that he was free but wanted to celebrate without you. I would have felt hurt in your situation.

It's not about "letting him go out with his mate". It's about him just brushing you aside as an irrelevance when he must have known you were hoping to celebrate with him if he was free. He could have managed your expectations much more kindly.

He's not unreasonable to go; you're not unreasonable to be disappointed.

You are unreasonable for not saying to him, 'You've got no plans? Ace! The kids and I would love to take you out to lunch' though, when you asked him the night before what his plans were and he said he had none.

You say he is a day by day person. Fine. But if he has no plans the night before, you could have made plans with him. Why didn't you?

Another thread where I can't believe some of the replies.
Of course OP is not being unreasonable to expect them to have lunch together on his birthday when that is what they usually do.
I would be definitely wondering why he has decided to upset his wife and children by spending his birthday with a friend he sees very often and very regularly.
In good MN tradition I would be taking note of this change in his behaviour and would be on the alert for other signs he no longer prioritises OP.

Yep, exactly.

I agree that's how it should work, especially as OP says they rarely get to go out.

I must live in a different world because in my house it would very much be

"What's your plans for your birthday?"
"None made as not sure if I'll be free"
"Well if you are free let's go out for lunch"

After which the husband wouldn't go and make plans with the friend because you've already had a conversation which is clear.

What's your relationship like normally? It doesn't sound like you are very close or do much together. Maybe he knows it would be uncomfortable going out together. He quite clearly prefer the company of his friend, birthday or not.

So when he said he wasn’t sure, why didn’t she say “oh, shall we go out to X then?”. It sounds to me like she didn’t make any plans so he took it upon himself to sort his lunch out.

Women on here are always told “go out and leave him at home” when their partners don’t make any birthday plans, which is exactly what he’s done 🫣

YABU.

absolutely agree with this. I would have been massively pissed off in your situation. What he's done is not OK

You're acting like it's your birthday, not his.

His birthday, his choice, they way you are moaning thought it must be your birthday.

So order his favourite take away to have with the kids tonight with the birthday cake. Hope he had fun with his mate. Book a meal out another time.

YABU, just have cake when he gets home

"DH birthday today we don’t do anything fancy but normally go for lunch or dinner. I asked him yesterday his plans for today if working ect ( he’s self employed) he said he wasn’t sure. Then this morning he says he’s going for lunch in town with friend."

She asked him if he was planning to work on his birthday and he said he wasn't sure. So what was she actuallly supposed to do? As a farmer it's pretty unlikely that he'd be able to make plans with the mate that very morning so it sounds as though he wasn't being entirely honest either.