AIBU to think that even the good ones are a bit shit?

This doesn't sound normal to me at all, but I wouldn't have stayed with a man who expected me to do all the work. Mine does more than his fair share, cooking, cleaning, bins, groceries and pets. I can't drive in the UK currently so I help with all but the groceries, and whichever one is done with work first sorts dinner. We don’t have kids to deal with thankfully, I dont think either of us would have enjoyed or been better at that. But he's a good man, he is compassionate, sincere, loving, ambitious, handsome and successful. After writing all of that out I think I need to go give him a big kiss, bc I definitely hit the jackpot.

Well my OH has never used an iron. She moved her stuff into my gaff after a year and never moved out. To her credit she does her own laundry (but not mine or the kids). It's been my job to get up with the kids from day one, she gets breakfast in bed often although TBF she did reciprocate once when I had covid.

She has one or two signature dishes, which she kindly does maybe one or twice a week, otherwise she's good enough to let me have the kitchen to myself to cook maybe 5 out 7 meals. She lets me do breakfast every day, which is great.

She'll do the housework willingly when she's got someone coming around. She pays her own way... when she remembers to, which often she doesn't. Sometimes she even puts petrol in her own car, I'm sure she'd MOT and service it if it needed it but it's a super car that seemingly doesn't need servicing or an MOT, and it must be tax exempt because she doesn't pay road tax.

We're lucky as well because we have a magic house that maintains itself, including an extension that came out of nowhere, and a secret gardener that no one ever sees.

Occasionally she comes home and remembers we're supposed to be in a relationship, but thankfully she doesn't put me to the trouble of meeting her needs, she often finds someone else to do that and save me the bother.

But you're right, all men are a bit shit and most women are perfect, like my OH!

Ok why has noone asked about how someone drops a child off to the wrong school!!???

I definitely carry the mental load of school admin and household planning. I do 90% of cleaning, buying groceries and laundry, all holiday managing/social lives and our personal finances. DH does most of the cooking, sorts the bins, cuts the hedges, sorts car stuff, and does some school runs (en route to work) and solely manages our joint business. He works very hard and does his fair share. We invest the same amount of effort and time but we do different tasks and splitting everything down the line 50:50 actually wouldn't suit me. I'm at SAHM and I'm happy with the allocation of jobs for this season. If I worked outside of the home though, then it would have to be very different as I wouldn't manage and I respect people who can do it all.

YABU- not about your specific situation, as only you can decide how you feel about your relationship or what expectations you have of your partner- but this general “all men are shit” or at least worse than women. Which I think is untrue. Plenty of good men and women and a fair amount of horrors of both too. And most of us are somewhere in the middle, I think.

Women are not inherently better than men and I am both saddened and exasperated by the attitude that we are. are there specific problems with regards men- yes, of course. But women aren’t universally lovely or always right.

I hope you don’t have boys if you really do think all men are, at best, a bit shit. I can’t imagine having a parent who thought that about me, based on my gender alone. I’m not sure how you could parent boys fairly/well if genuinely believe the best you can hope for is that they will be “a bit shit”. It’s not exactly positive, is it?

You’re not wrong, OP.

When my Dad died my Mum said (after a suitable period of mourning) “You know, your Dad was lovely, but I wouldn’t have another man if you gift wrapped him’.

My DH does more around the house than I do and probably a more thorough job. I organise holidays/activities, plan the meals and do the cooking and hoovering because I enjoy it. I am better with big decisions, he’s better with day to day ones. He does the washing up (no dishwasher), laundry, changes sheets, cleans bathroom and kitchen, manages the garden and car. We are both good at DIY - he has more strength for things whereas I can figure out the solution quickly. He’s more creative/aesthetic so will choose designs, styles, colours etc and I’m more practical/commercially astute. He also does my taxes which is quite cheeky of me as I’m the one with an accounting qualification but he’s more organised with receipts/expenses and minutiae. I earn a lot more but wfh whereas he works longer hours and does shifts so I’m aware it’s harder for him, and I appreciate it more.

My dad was exactly the same and in fact did almost all the house work, cooking, life admin and child care because my mum traveled a lot for work. So I think seeing that modelled at home made me expect men to do as much as me or more - I’ve never dated a man who didn’t do his fair share. Certainly encountered some lazy SoBs and wanted none of that in my life. As for bills we split who looks after which bills so each have some in our name and also for our credit scores. Direct debits mean we don’t have to remember when to pay them.

With your DH I would make it very clear what you expect him to do and make a fuss if he doesn’t. Otherwise he gets away with it knowing you’ll stew silently but he’ll have an easy life. Also stop doing things or only do it for yourself.

I don't understand how so many women can associate with such men. There must be men who are better than this .

Can I introduce you to the rest of the internet where you can observe women bashing continuously

DH does all the cooking and grocery shopping, and most of the laundry, and does most of the ‘getting DS to football’ stuff. I do the garden. Neither of us cleans or irons — our nice cleaner does.

I’m ringfencing my time right now by crocheting and Mumsnetting in bed 🤣

From reading comments on Mumsnet, it confirms that I have a fantastic husband - again not perfect, but fantastic for me

He and I share chores - he mows the grass and cleans the floors as I hate vacuuming, but I do the dusting/wiping down, all our laundry and we each arrange insurance for our respective cars. We both change bedding and whoever changes it puts the wash on

NEITHER OF US IRONS A DAMN THING 🤣

He cooks more than I do through habit as he cooked for his young children every day from scratch when he was widowed. He bakes bread, I bake cakes

I probably drive more than he does on long journeys, and I pack the car and check we have everything we need. He hates packing so I usually fling clothes into his case a few days before departure to get him started, otherwise he’d leave it until the last minute which I detest

He’s responsible for sandwich making and snacks for long journeys - his packed lunches are so much tastier and attractive than mine!

After 8 years we have routines that work for us plus I get to snog him as much as I want. I’m a very contented woman

I agree that if we were ever to split I would not be getting into another relationship. I often think it would be easier to do things alone.

Mine is great, genuinely, only he needs to tidy his desk.

No, my husband is a "good one", old school and not a bit shit.
Mistakes - I make them, too.

My DH does 50:50 - I wouldn't have stayed with him if he didn't. Right from the earliest days of our relationship, I "trained" him! When he came round to our house (I lived with parents), I reminded him to put the loo seat down again after he used it and told him which towel to use, when it came to brewing up mid way through the evening video (or whatever), I made sure we took it in turns and made him go and make the brew and then wash up afterwards on alternate nights. I made it clear basically from our first date that I wasn't his skivvy and that he could take it or leave it! Same when we went on our first holiday, I gave him his share of "tasks" during the booking, organisation, etc, and then when we got there. He competently did his "tasks" and that was my "green light" to move forward to marriage, buying a house, a child, etc., and right from the outset in each, I made sure he knew what was expected of him!

My previous serious relationship was a nightmare with a "taker" who wanted everything from me but gave nothing back. He didn't get far with me and I soon ended it after a few months of trying to "train" him to show an interest and do things that needed doing, but he just never stepped up, so I threw him back!

You’re wrong. Take the good over the bad. You will miss him when he is gone

Amanda certainly took advantage!

Totally agree. Most of them are crap. Some are okay, like you’re but even that’s not equal.

The thing that gets me is that they expect you to still really fancy them 😂

My DH definitely does 50:50, if not more. He does:

Every school drop off
Pick up 2x a week
Primary school contact
All school payments
Bedtime every night for one kid
Every night waking
Most early morning wake ups
All dentist and doctor apps
Bins
All laundry
All dishes
Lawn

I don’t know what actual % of men don’t do 50:50, but it’s not ‘all’. But yes, it’s certainly the majority, I’d imagine.

What is a ‘good guy’ to you? Good enough? Who is ‘the best guy’?

There are plenty of things I am shit at. I will never win any ironing or baking prizes, and am happy to throw money at other jobs so I don’t have to do them badly (e.g. gardening). But I can confidently say that I know which school DS goes to, and that nothing goes to shit when DH travels for work. The converse is not true (even though when I travel on business, I still do the grocery shopping, school admin, admin for DS’ health/disability and organise help with the school run etc).

DH is very senior at work, but seems to be lobotomised of all common sense, autonomy and executive function on the drive home. He’s a good man, and probably does much more than his own father did in the home, but much of it is quite hopelessly executed!

YANBU.

I used to think I had a good one, he didnt do 50% of the housework, and I did most of the child related admin, but it turns out he's gay and was having sex with a man he met online when he told me he was at the gym.

Its been almost 4 months, still living in the same house and I honestly cant wait to get my own place. He's like a different person to the one I married, its very odd. He clearly still thinks he's a good one though

DH and I split 50/50, but in a different way - I do everything “mental load” related (because he is dyslexic and anything on the computer stresses him out), and maybe 1/3 cleaning. He does 90% of the cooking (unless one of us take a notion for something I make particularly well, I’m a good cook, just don’t enjoy it), all of the washing up, and all of the DIY. We do the vast majority of the shopping together (but split into 2 - one of us will do supermarket, one of us will do butcher/fishmonger/fruit + veg market) - we both drive so we take turns as taxi service. I do most of the housework (vacuuming, deep cleans, dusting etc) - we’re very much a partnership and if for whatever reason one of us isn’t doing “our bit”, the other will pick it up for a while. He’s also a genuinely love bloke!

Hmm, we've not had an 'all men are universally shit and inferior to women' thread for at least five minutes, well done.

Are there any men out there who actually do 50/50 when it comes to childcare, housework, and the mental load?

Yes. My DP definitely does. It's always been that way for us. Same for my own parents.