AIBU to think that even the good ones are a bit shit?

So.... do you ever say anything to him?

I guess relationships are for different things. I think you need to be with someone well matched, whatever that looks like to you.

I do have friends whose husband's do not do very much. But then those friends let it happen, they don't call out their husbands or make firm boundaries about what they expect because they'd prefer not to rock the boat, but then complain about things not changing.

This. Absolutely. I'm lucky my DH is fab and does far more than 50/50 (despite working a more difficult and labour intensive job than me!) but so many of my friends / colleagues moan about how their husband does nothing but then just... carry on...?

I’m sat on MN watching DH do the vacuuming. I would have rather have been alone then had a shit one. When first together there was a bit of a tussle as his Mum had been a SAHM with a housekeeper so he was a bit taken aback as his Dad hadn’t needed to do anything at all. I am forthright so just didn’t do stuff and crushed his expectations like a bug. He is better at cleaning than me and I’m the better cook.

Some women do it to themselves. My friend and I met up between the cities we live in for a weekend. She had cooked meals for the 2 days and left them in the fridge for her family. When DH asked me about food I said, see that big white thing in the corner it’s called a fridge you open it and take food out of it, if it’s empty you go to a shop and refill it with food you buy. She was shocked I was so sarcastic but then she worries about being perceived as nice. I saw my much older sisters grind themselves in to the ground looking after men. There was no way that I was going to allow that to happen to me. I out earned my ex by far and DH and I were on very similar salaries, economic viability gives a louder voice.

I agree. Perfect partners are a minority. Most people settle for ok or good enough.

YANBU.
I do everything except take the bin in and out, 3 picks a week and ordering DDs lunches.
I work a 60 mile round commute which takes an hour each way. Partner works from home with his own business and 3x more salary.
I don’t get enough sleep and am always rushing about and stressed.
It’s probably my own fault. We did used to have a cleaner but it gives me more work in some ways, tidying for her. I’d rather save money and do bits where I can.
I don’t know man men who do more than half.
It is a big factor why I only had one child.
I know why more women stay single these days.

Nah, my husband is great, he's brilliant with DIY, was always very hands on with the kids when they were young, neither of us love housework but we get through it. He's also a good cook, I can't complain at all

Dh definitely does 50% of the mental load but we arrange it that way - he’s responsible for all clothes/shoe shopping for DC, he does most of the cooking and definitely all the food shopping and the lion’s share of the laundry. But we’ve worked this out and over the years and divided responsibilities for everything. I couldn’t tolerate a dh that thought he was “helping” me with the cleaning - fuck that 😄

Me and my husband both work full time and earn roughly the same amount. He does all the cooking and food prep (including lunches and breakfast), more household stuff as his work is more flexible, and walks the dog. Neither of us do much DIY other than gardening which we shared. I don't think I do any mental load for things that just relate to him. If I ask him to take charge of a task that relates to us both he just does it and I rarely have to follow it up.

Since I've been pregnant he has done all cooking, all looking after the pets, all household tasks (even clothes washing etc), and he's taken the mental load of pretty much everything not related to my own body.

I do have friends whose husband's do not do very much. But then those friends let it happen, they don't call out their husbands or make firm boundaries about what they expect because they'd prefer not to rock the boat, but then complain about things not changing.

Yes, you need to look at your language. You also said ‘he helps with the cleaning’. It’s not your job to he isn’t ‘helping’. He should be doing his share of a joint task.

My husband and my kids do their fair share, it didn’t happen over night but I made damn sure it evolved that way. I see my role as in home management these days, they do more of the donkey work I do more of the high level stuff. Works for us. When I was describing my son doing baking and my daughter cleaning bathrooms recently my friends were utterly aghast but every Saturday we all band together and do the weekly house clean, we’ve done it since the kids were small and it has become a very worthwhile investment.

The thing is, there are a lot of things (most) men just don’t care about. Many do not care about the house being nice or the kids doing play dates. Often they don’t even care about clean clothes or healthy food. So it’s hard to blame them for not being responsible for that stuff. My DH doesn’t care about whether the kids do extra-curriculars, so he doesn’t arrange any. On the other hand, I don’t care about the gutters so I have nothing to do with them.

Has anyone else found their dh does less as you both get older? Mine just about copes with going to work now (we are both late 50s). He used to do more around the house years ago, a lot more cooking, all the gardening, and the odd very small bit of diy. Now he literally goes to work, cooks twice at the weekend, and takes teen ds to his football. That is his absolute limit.

No one is perfect.

Posts like this make me think how bloody lucky I am. My husband does a hell of a lot and can be left alone with the kids without being told what to do.
Definitely temperamental though, his one downside

Oh God yes this!! 🤦‍♀️

I was married to one who did more childcare and housework than me. Likely by virtue of our different working patterns but he willingly did it. I did all the life admin and cooking, but he kept the cars on the road, decorated and improved the house, maintained a beautiful garden. That part of the marriage, I could never complain about

you are lucky!

I’m 57, my husband is 66 and he has always done at least 50/50 of everything, if not more. He cooks, cleans, irons, gardens, shops, sorts the bills and has always been hands on with our (now grown up) children. I realise he’s a rare breed.

Don't know where you are finding your men, but my DH of 37 years and I both do our share of whatever jobs need doing. It has never been an issue which I am very glad about.

Although I don't think I could have put up with anything else tbh.

Db, dbil, other dbil, but they’re all very by the book and ‘let’s get this done’ (sink once blocked at Christmas time, db was only here for a few minutes but went out to get drain unblocker, came back and fixed it!! Dbil and dsil used to have huge conversations about their week ahead and how to navigate everything, it seemed extreme but I don’t know now …

I used to like that that dh was more relaxed whilst simultaneously wishing most of the home stuff didn’t have to come down to me!

eta dh is the cook and actually is a much better cleaner but doesn’t clean unless it’s an occasion

DH is definitely tidier than me. So we do tend to divide and conquer a lot - he will tidy up while I'm doing actual cleaning. if I leave him to clean the kitchen it will either take him 2 hours or it will be done badly. Or both.

But if he leavs me to tidy the lounge, it will take me an hour and still be messy after.

So pre cleaner he was usually in charge of vacuuming and tidying while I was whizzing around actually cleaning things!

My dad was definitely 50/50 so I think that did inform my expectations which meant when DH was a bit shit in thebeginning, I didn't just roll my eyes. I remember sitting on the end ofour bed in our first flat after we moved in together and crying that we were plannign this lovely holiday together and I'd had to do all the work and then on top of that, when I'd pointed out that he hadn't done any laundry even though he'd been off from work he'd said, "but you didn't ask me to". We had no children, we'd only just moved in together but I had already on some level clocked this wasn't okay and just didn't have the background to slip into this mindset. That's when the "training" started!

I've been thinking about this, and looking back I think every boyfriend I've ever had was cleaner and tidier than I am.

It's so bizarre how these threads extrapolate from some shit, sexist men that cleanliness and tidiness are somehow gendered characteristics.

DP is easily tidier and more domestically inclined than I am. I'm the one who'd happily live in chaos and who had to up my game domestically when I moved in with him, and I doubt I do anywhere near 50% even now.

This is far from the only messy woman/neat man dynamic I know of.

Maybe it's easier to tell yourself every aspect of your lives is determined by your genitalia? It seems hard of thinking to me.