AIBU to think that even the good ones are a bit shit?

I earn £20k more than my husband and he does most the domestic stuff. Works for us.

Gender/sex shouldn’t determine if anyone’s “a good one”.

Good points. My DS is early 30s, he's in the good group, and much appreciated by his GF!
You're right, the bar is so low, particularly in the 40s age group. I can't honestly believe some of the examples on here, they're so depressing!

He thinks I shouldn't put so much effort into my job (teaching) and still doesnt massively grasp its 50+ hours a week.

His mum was a housewife so he seems to expect me to take on that role as well as work full time.

Things improve then go back to me doing everything unfortunately.

Same!

Also I have two brothers and they were both much tidier and cleaner than me growing up. They are both single and keep a cleaner house than me although one does have a cleaner now. One is a decent cook, the other is a fantastic cook who runs supper clubs on the side. So I’ve always had quite high expectations for men I guess lol

I only really pulled up my socks with housework when I got flatmates since I didn’t want to inflict my mess on them in the communal areas. But even then still had an untidy bedroom in my 20s…I am far better now but it doesn’t come as easy to me as many others.

I agree that the bar requires excavation sadly in a lot of cases. I am very pleased that your husband has performed as should be the common standard, but taking even a small cross section of experiences on this thread, and forum in general would suggest that you are in a 'lucky' woeful minority.

We see the extremes on these types of forum of course, because nobody takes to the internet to write about the mediocre. However my experience in real life does in part reflect my original post. The vast majority of men I encounter in that 40+ bracket are just a bit shit, and the younger generation do appear to be doing better.

I wonder how much of it continues to go on because it is allowed to.

Ok well if you both work full time in demanding jobs (irrespective of what you earn) he’s just taking the piss then.

Many men are absolutely appalling, so the basically okay ones get treated like heroes.

Weaponised incompetence. If he's in the forces, he's certainly capable and adaptable!

i my case(!) it’s because DH has perfected the art of doing everything soooo badly that nobody in their right minds would ever ask him to again… & he was in forces so I had to do everything when he wasn’t at home!

What is his response when you've discussed this, in calmer moments?

My DH cooked a meal the other week and it's like he was expecting an award for it, bells to ring, a choir to pop up and start singing angelical hallelujahs etc...

Like WFT?!?

And yet does he appreciate how much effort it takes? Nope!

And don't get me started on the mental load! I'm the one that sorts all the kids stuff out. Activities, school stuff, play dates, clothes, uniform, shoes, birthdays.

Sometimes when I'm so stressed (I am currently doing more hours a week than him in term time) and I completely lose my shit, then he does start helping more, but it shouldn't be about him helping - he should be doing 50%!

We have been married 41 years and I can honestly say DH has been fully 50 50 in everything. When the children were babies he did every other night ( each night one of us would sleep in the spare room to get some sleep). We have split all income, inheritances, pension lump sums etc equally , as we do with expenses. we divvy up all domestic tasks, every Thursday we have a big blitz on the house, I do upstairs and 1/2 the kitchen, he does the rest. We each do our own laundry and ironing. It has been great to feel that everything is shared, it really bouys you up not to feel any extra burden. Amongst my friends I think this is the norm.

Ditto.

I did not have an ideal or adequate childhood. My mother died when I was young. However, looking at other women I decided I was not going to be a skivvy for a man, ever. I was not going to be in an unequal partnership or controlled. I saw other women trapped and exploited (it was the 1970s) and I thought - that's not for me.
I would rather have remained single. I've come across many women who want a man, no matter what.

But 'managing' a shit husband in an unequal partnership is a massive mental load in itself. Obviously turning back the clock many of us could have made better assessments and decisions and married/ reproduced with different men. But not everyone has had the benefit of an ideal or even adequate childhood to instill the self worth in them and the redflag spotting ability earlier enough in adulthood to have these standards and make these assessments, and this has to be learnt through life unfortunately. Then the only options that they are left with, are (a) hope they can change the unchangable (b) divorce (c) put up with it and have a good rant to like minded women on mumsnet.

My Dh does 50%. He does all the laundry (daily), hoovering/ mopping floors (5 tomes per week). He cleans the bathrooms and bigger jobs like the windows in a rolling basis. He cleans the kitchen after I’ve cooked and stacks dishwasher. With dc he doesn’t do any of the mental load (we only have 1 dc) but dc does sport at a high level and trains 6 times a week so he does half of the driving. He also does the garden and DIY.

I know lots of great men who do their fair share or more.

I agree here.

6 kids and I have had a fair amount of comments over the years when I take the children out on my own. People have said ‘ wow you have your hands full there” many times but OHHHHHH my DH takes out 2 or more of the children out and every single time he tells me SEVERAL people made the comment above or similar. He probably had more comments like that in a year than I’ve had in 12 years !

I don't think it's luck, I think some women have a low bar. You make things clear from the beginning; if he is lazy and entitled and shows no inkling to change, it's not going to get better over the next 20 years. Talk about domestic chores. Discuss childcare and responsibilities before you have children, so you can make a decision before it's too late.

I'm one of the 'lucky' ones (sad that it does seemingly come down to luck). My DH is very involved with the kids and house. He does more than half of the school runs, all packed lunches, shared mental load for school and club activities, homework supervision, most of the dog walks, his share of laundry and dishwasher duties, grabbing bits from the shop when needed, mowing, bins, and also heavily involved as a volunteer at two of DCs' clubs. I do most of the cooking, washing up, cleaning and tidying, gardening and decorating. It works for us!

This just goes to show that they can do it but given half a chance, they just....don't.

My sister and I have often discussed that actually, our dad ruined us for other men! He was far more likely to be the one figuring out there were dust bunnies in corners and generally keeping on top of things, and while a lot of the school etc stuff did fall to my mum as she had more flexible work, he took on a great deal of logistics - he was the one doing a lot of the weekend ferrying around for example. As they got older, he landed up doing a lot more of the cooking as he retired fully while she still semi-worked, and shopping was definitely something they both did. I suspect he was actually better at it.

But then, I also syspect my mother had ADHD and that my father was mildly dyslexic. They both learnt to manage these challenges in their own way. In my dad's case, itwas about being organised and regimented. And of course, he was a child of the war as well - careful management of food and resources. During Covid, he was brilliant - meals planned perfectly to accomodate fresh food at beginning of week, and leftovers/longer-lifed food later so that he could do the shopping no more than once every 10 days!

I think men nowadays are so hopeless they are a danger to themselves and everyone around them.

When I look at all the things my DDad and his brothers could do, it's insane.

Dad couldn't get a part for a mower once so he made a sand mould of the broken piece, made a temporary furnace (with 7yo me on the bellows) and cast a piece himself. All in the little shed at the bottom of our council house garden. He could make stuff out of wood, had a collection of sewing machines that he made stuff on, taught me how to knit and grew every vegetable you can think of. There was nothing he couldn't at least try. He was always reading books on how to do practical things.

DH can barely scratch his own arse by comparison. If I'm ever on my own I won't be looking to replace him.

😂This made me laugh but it's the same in our household (but I don't do any DIY either 😭).

However I do sort all appointments, holidays, visiting family etc etc. He always says if I do the stuff that needs mentally planning then he will sort the rest.

He's a good'un 😊

This too!

What is important to one person might not be to another and in my opinion, it actually works better if you have different priorities as you're covering more bases!

My husband is the guy that makes all women hate me (not seriously obviously).

He does nearly all of the housework, cooking, tidying etc
Half of the childcare and doesn't need to be instructed in any way.
He earns more and works longer hours but we share everything.
He looks after the animals.
I do most of the DIY inside. He does most of it outside.
He is kind, funny, smart and hard working.
He works out and is fit and sexy.
He massages my feet/shoulders for no reason (not looking for sex).
We take turns with the kids so we can partake in our hobbies.
He wants to spend time with me over mates.
He puts my happiness above his own always.

I don't know why he is with me honestly because I bring very little to the relationship😆

I'm also aware he is unusual for a man and people regularly tell us we have role reversed so YANBU

I accept I am the shit husband you are describing. I just happen to have a vagina.