Aibu?

that's really not how you started the thread.. it has NOTHING to do with his mental health. Unless you mean having a crisis at home and having to manage his new wife!

Listen, I've put my foot down in the past about 'doing the decent thing' after his ex was trying to break us up, spread malicious lies about him and cause problems in his family - she is a nasty bit of work and once that became crystal clear I said no to helping her out. Once she pulled up outside our house, unloaded some bags and asked him to drop them off to the dump on our next visit. He looked at me, I shook my head and he put them back into her car.

So I am not always in the 'go high' gang.

However what you are describing is an exceptional situation. If he wants to help her in small way he shouldn't feel he has to lie about it for fear of upsetting you. It's not his fault your ex betrayed you.

This - she's forever linked to him, and by helping her with some forms he is helping his children too

You never said much but you are waiting for her to have a stroke to get upset? Seriously?

She might be getting into the best shape of her life, after a wake-up call, who knows, or she might be in very poor health. Think about the impact of what you do. If she dies soon, her children will only remember that you tried to force their dad to stop helping just before she died.

If you wanted a husband who could delete his ex from his life, you should have married a man without children, honestly.

You are better off joking about it, and gently push him to get her to find help elsewhere, than forcing him to hide stuff like that.

I'm trying to understand why he did it behind my back, in the past he's always told me , tbh I've never said much ,just said well can't she ask anyone else, why does it always be him by default.

If you always question it and complain about it with the 'why can't she ask anyone else?' and 'Why is it always you?' type questions, that's why he felt he had to do it behind your back. He just wanted to avoid that kind of inquest, because it's tiresome to deal with.

He almost had this saviour complex where he helps every he knows

If he helps everyone he knows, why are you convinced that helping his kids' mother is somehow different from that?

It’s pretty clear why he did it ‘behind your back’. I feel sorry for him

Good god, you are coming across as a truly horrendous person lacking in any kind of compassion here. The mother of his kids has had a stroke. I’d be falling over myself to see what support I could offer knowing how much the illness would be affecting your DH’s kids. Shame on you for trying to stop your DH from doing the decent thing.

So what? They're still his kids and they still benefit from him helping their mother with filling in forms which are presumably related to her financial / disability / health circumstances which is still relevant to the wellbeing of teenagers who live with her.

Even if his kids wouldn't be affected either way, he still did nothing wrong. He did a decent, compassionate thing by helping someone who was in an awful situation, despite any personal animosity between them. Would you rather be married to someone who wasn't a decent human being capable of putting bitterness on the back burner to do someone a favour?

He helped her fill in a form, ffs. It's not like she asked him to help her use her vibrator.

she might be a royal bitch, genuinely, who knows, but what you must keep in mind it's she's their MOTHER.

and you can't see that it's because of the children that she's still in his life?

Yes, he lied, but you starting a pissed off thread on MN because he helped filling some forms.. I can see why.

You are the best way for his children to cut him out of THEIR life. New wife doesn't want help their mum after a stroke, dad does everything new wife says.. what kind of toxic dynamic would that be.

You don't have to like her, you can tell everything you think about her to your girlfriends, but you must remember she is their MUM.

You shouldn't have made him lie by being ridiculous.

Has he told you that you can't help your ex? Had your ex recently had a serious medical episode? Do you co-parent with him?

Your husband would be a horrible individual if he was telling his kids, young adults or not, that he doesn't give a monkey about their mum after a stroke and he wants to hear nothing about her.

Is that the example you want your own children to have?

IF they are a decent parent, then yes. If you are in your childs life, the other parent is there too. You don't pretend they don't exist anymore.

That's the problem with too many people, they forget an essential detail.

You're angry because your husband helped the mother of his children fill in a form after she had a stroke?

As for him lying to you, it's pretty obvious that he lied to you because he knew if he was open with you about it, you'd react exactly as you have reacted, i.e. totally unreasonably and excessively.

When you have a child with someone you're in that person's life for ever.

Absolute nonsense.

He's trying to avoid you having a tantrum

Your behaviour will impact his kid, don't forget. The children will know that daddy's new wife dislike their mum and wants to stop their dad to help.

You are not talking about a random neighbour - and most of us would help fill a couple of forms when someone has health issues. You are talking about his children.

Your boundaries are unreasonable, and ridiculous. You are affecting his children. I missed how old they are, if that was mentioned, but whatever the age, it's their mum.