I think I've lost a friend because I encouraged her to divorce her husband, but I don't think we were wrong?

She is totally out of order. She will probably regret what she has said to you all. Getting divorced was her choice. She is lonely and looking back with rose tinted glasses. Keep away from her and look after yourself.

She was saying her relationship was toxic though. She wasn’t influenced to say that, she said that.

I come from a toxic family, when it broke down I can’t imagine I would have ever put it back on someone who had supported me at that difficult time that I made the choice to go NC. Adults make choices that have consequences and yes leaving behind abusive relationships comes with enormous grief but trying to lay that at someone else’s door is awful.

I feel really sorry for her and if a friend of mine had a meltdown like this I'd be contacting them to let them know I'm not upset with them and they should come to me when they are able.

Why are you upset at her? I understand her words were lashing out but it's all down to her own misery. I'd worry my friend would do something stupid if cut off from everyone and couldn't live with myself if I just left them to it.

When I say friend though I mean friend, and not someone I just know. I love my friends like my family.

Well, I disagree with other replies. I think she can go fuck herself.

After she separated have you and your friends been supportive and around her? A long time ago a few of my friends encouraged me to split up from a toxic relationship with a drug addict. It was the right decision but as soon as we split up my friends disappeared and I weren't supportive/around and I was really lonely and found that period really hard. At the time I felt like they had disliked my partner and encouraged me to do split to get at him, which probably wasn't true but it felt a bit like I'd been abandoned by them at a very difficult point in my life. I have different friends now!

People should be so careful who they take advice from and should never, ever make life-altering decisions based on other people’s opinions. And people should be so careful in advising anyone what to do, or what decisions to make. It can end so badly. I’d never involve myself in anyone’s marriage; no one really has the full picture but the two people involved.

’Friends’ are often keenly interested and invested when the drama is unfolding, but rarely want to stick around to offer support in the aftermath. I’ve seen this when marriages end, when people would like support during illnesses - friends you might imagine would be there for support drift away afterwards once they realise there’s no payoff for them, the drama is over, nothing they stand to gain by remaining involved or it might require some effort in their part.

This woman was swayed by her friends, made a decision she regrets and because she’s let them know this, they don’t particularly want to stick around. So he’s left with no marriage and no friends. Shame.

Recovery after an abusive relationship is hard, long and complicated. I'd reach out.

Very immature people use unjustified blame as a coping mechanism. She is very immature. Yes she is lonely but that can be remedied by finding activities she enjoys and filling up her days. She seems to lack any accountability for poor choices she makes.

She’s lonely and hurting and a drunken outburst at her closest friends should be forgivable.

She listened to you all, made a decision she regrets and now wishes she hadn’t.

But - no one forced her to take your opinions on board, or make the decision to divorce him. It’s unfortunate, but ultimately she made her choice, even if she now regrets it.

You would prefer the toxic relationship?

Sounds like she is having a period of v poor mental health to push you all away so aggressively when she feels so lonely. Ultimately she needs to do some work on herself and you don’t have to accept anyone speaking like that to you.

She's probably lonely, which is hard, and looking back through rose-tinted glasses at what sounds like a shit-show of a marriage. But that's no excuse for blaming all this on other people. She's an adult woman who needs to take responsibility for her own actions and decisions. You told her what you thought of her husband, sure, and you were supportive of her leaving - but she wasn't obliged to divorce him. She's being absolutely ridiculous, and also cutting off her nose to spite her face because now she's ditched her closest friends, she's going to be a lot more lonely than ever.

Do you think there's a chance she's getting back with her ex-husband? Just wondering if that's what's triggered all this...

I think tho you don't like who she is now and feel aggrieved about her lack of support for you, so this friendship boat has sailed...

Waiting for an apology is pointless.

As others have said, she's desperately lonely, grieving what she had, and regretting her choices. It's not your fault, but she's in a terrible place right now.

She's probably also mortified about her meltdown, now. And she'll recognise that she's going to be even lonelier, having cut you off.

So yes, when you meet up with the others, try not to wind each other up about how she behaved and how unfair it was and how angry you are. Bring the temperature down and recognise that although you didn't deserve it, she wasn't herself.

💯 this.

If OP was there to support friend to leave this toxic relationship at the start then this is the latter part of the journey to independence that friend also needs to support with.

I can so relate as I have no family/friends network here and stayed a little longer in my last toxic relationship because the payoff was so bittersweet - away from his constant accusations of cheating and paranoia including spying on my whereabouts but at the same time knowing I’d be flung right back into isolation with my social life taking a deep dive into the abyss and back to spending all Christmases and birthdays alone. Your friend is going through it and hopefully you will be there for her and not make this as a PP said about making it dependant on an apology from her.

She is lonely, often people will stick with someone just bcos they don’t want be by themselves, so is now thinking that would have been preferable.

Yep, this nails it

OK, it’s cheesy, but this scene from Ted Lasso, between Rebecca and Ted, jumped to mind. Perhaps your friend is acting out as she’s in pain, trying to cope with freedom after years of extreme control?

I would say she's blocked you because she's embarrassed about her outburst and wants to avoid the humiliation of seeing you all again.

You are not responsible for how her life turned out but sometimes we behave unreasonably when we're in pain. I understand you feel hurt by her behaviour too but I think right now she's lonely and needs friends more than ever.

Give it a week or two and see if you feel able to send her a note then.

She's blocked the OP. I don't think I'd be reaching out or heading around there to visit her. She knows where OP is if she has second thoughts and wants contact but it's pretty clear she doesn't want contact right now and isn't ready to take responsibility for her own choices. I'd wait it out and test the waters in a couple of months if she's not resurfaced. You don't have to accepting any blame when you do, just check in on her to see how she's feeling and keep things at that level until she's ready for a less blinkered reflection on it all.

This screams like a massive cry for help. If you do love this friend, reach out and make sure she’s okay.