I think I've lost a friend because I encouraged her to divorce her husband, but I don't think we were wrong?

I do agree with suggestions to send a card or letter to offer support. Even just to say you are there for her and then let her reach out if she wants to. I feel for her, it sounds like she is going through a really tough time.

Firstly you should never encourage a friend to get a divorce. If she stays she knows you don’t think she should and if she leaves she may blame you (see what happened here?). She needs to come to it on her own.

But you can tell her to know her worth and ask her what will make her happy and support her thinking.

Sorry OP you could see this coming. You need to accept she is blaming you now and wait until she can come to a less emotional place .

What is expected of people who stay in "dead" marriages? I think this is an important point.

If it is ok for them to live essentially as flatmates, have separate rooms and simply split the burden of running a household and caring for young children, while being civil to each other, then that is a very different proposition from saying they should be expected to be emotionally and physically intimate.

It might be ok to expect the first from someone in an unhappy marriage, although it's a pretty woeful way to live, but it is definitely not ok to expect the second.

She’s in immense pain, this is precisely the time her friends should be supporting her.

Sometimes, in that space, people turn the pain outward, and friends become easy scapegoats.
She is responsible for her choices, even if she can’t accept that right now.
It’s possible she may reach out later, once the intensity of her emotions has softened.

Glad to read this. She is clearly really struggling and needs your support and understanding right now.
If she’s a friend, BE a friend.

The thing is I sort of get where she is coming from. Like a PP said I had a related problem once and friends were keen to get involved with the drama and support the ‘change’ but I remember being surprised that no one seemed to think about what I might lose too. I get why you might not do that in this situation if the general feeling was her ex wasn’t great. I wouldn’t be too mad with her, this kind of change can be extremely difficult.

This is a very interesting (and sad - sorry to hear) viewpoint which is rarely discussed.

it’s always assumed that leaving the bastard will improve life immensely - but it can introduce different problems.

all the best and hope things improve for you

Good luck OP. I think this will be a blimp in what sounds like a long term love. The support of women - and their honest opinions and loyal friendship makes life worth living - wherever we find them. She isnt allowed to call you a bitch so you can make that clear and you should. She knows that. X

Same here.
Had a friend who really struggled with her divorce and tried to cut me off because l am friends with her ex. I told her l would always be there for her and l'm pleased to say she came back but l was worried she might do something silly too.

Well that sounds lovely. I also divorced a toxic man who took a lot from me including my local social life. My female friends were brilliant, love them to bits; my male friends less so. But God yes the loneliness - it sucks. This week alone i have 2 lovely friends jet setting off on holiday with their husbands - i wish them a lovely time, but am quite simply envious. My ex and I pre-children had equally lovely holidays. Now my options are solo travel, at great expense, or day trips. So please continue to be generous with time as you have been. Something work-wise went badly for me this week - bad news, short notice, great impact. My female friends totally there. I do repay to society as much as I can but it is not always a reciprocal repayment of time and effort. If I were to get drunk / tipsy I possibly might say i was lonely. I mean companionship not friendship. I hope they would know the difference.

Agree and she was probably co dependant even though he sounded not very pleasant, he life is very different now, no husband and no kids at home so she needs to get used to a new life……leave her alone for the time being and reach out and send a message in a 3 months to check in

The problem is that friends want what is best for you, but are not your partners. What works best if when some8e finds other single women, who are free to share their time and value of friendship at the same level. Toxic marriages are shite but so much of our social lives, when you have been married, is with the same couple dynamic and it is a very hard job to reprogram your enitre life. I feel very sorry for her. Rock and hard place for everyone involved

I didnt expect it to continue on and on, but I did expect it to carry on beyond the day he left the flat.

When you're talking these things through with friends and saying "but I'm so afraid of being alone" and they say "of course you'll be alright you have me and we'll support you through it" I don't think it is unreasonable for you to expect that means in the first couple of weeks when your are adjusting to life alone.

Anyway it's irrelevant who is right and who is wrong, I'm just trying to give perspective on how bitterly lonely it can be after a break up, even when the relationship is shit.

She sounds like she is in a really bad lonely place right now. Don't wait for an apology.

Reach out and be supportive if you can. She is still on her journey, to grieve and get past this point. It's not over for her yet.

This

She’s probably mortified, which is why she’s blocked you. What she said was unfair, but as others have said she seems to be really struggling.

It’s difficult to be single after a long relationship, for all sorts of reasons.

And made harder if you are not as young and the object of the male attention you were when you were last single. Which makes it harder to start again for some people.

Be patient with her if you can

I don’t think that you can expect support to continue on and on and on though. It is not realistic to think that people can support you at crisis level indefinitely. What about their lives and their issues?

Don’t get me wrong I hear you when you say it was extremely lonely but a financially abusive and controlling relationship is lonely and disconnected too.

I had a truly horrendous situation with my own family which I had very little support outside of my husband with so I really tried to support a friend when she was going through something similar knowing how hard it was but eventually I completely ran out of steam and could never have supported her at the level of input she needed, it ended our friendship from both sides.

Adults have to take responsibility for their own choices, it is the only way forward.

I think that's a good idea. I wouldn't bring up your own hurt feelings just yet - I suspect that if you open the conversation and hear her out, you'll naturally get an apology as she gets more clarity on her situation. At least give her a chance to work things out with you all.

I know you want to talk to your other friends, but be careful it doesn't come across as three against one. You don't all have to be of one mind about the situation. And it would be a shame to make your friend feel that you've all collaborated on a version of events.

If it were me, I think I would get in touch as an individual, saying I was shocked by what she said and have been reflecting seriously about it. I'd say, "I value your friendship and love you a lot [if that's true] and I would like to listen to what you have to say and to better understand how you see things, and if you're open to it, I'd like to share my perspective, too. I'm sure between us we can work things out. I don't want to lose your friendship. Please get in touch and let's talk." Something along those lines.

Is it possible you don't have the full picture here.

Her enthusiasm in exploring the abuse of her husband, her forthright willingness to involve all her friends to understand her new found confidence and determination of filing for divorce, her online participation with FB, sounds a lttle like a premeditated smear campaign, devaluing and disgarding her h.

Maybe I'm cynical but her elation after obtaining the divorce and then a quieter period suggests she may have had someone waiting in the wings.

Maybe her lack of confidence now, her anger and her loneliness could be due to her being dumped by someone else, the KISA.

This person may have been completly covert and hidden from everyone.

Could her h have also moved on.

Not trying to project anything, although maybe I’ve touched a nerve. You offered your opinions and got involved - maybe you’d have done better to stay out of it and keep your opinions to yourself. Not much good has come of it. She’s unhappy, you’re annoyed.

I think that's fair and kind of you. There's no reason to assume she's mortified about lashing out as opposed to still cross with you and wanting to be left alone, so good to leave it a few days and just do the card, nothing more at this point. She needs to realise of her own accord how wrong she was to blame you for how she's feeling and maybe that will help her to move on through this tough bit.

My ex was financially abusive and controlling; and for about 2 years after the relationship ended I had many evenings where I was so desperately lonely that I would have preferred to have him around than spend another night by myself.

It felt my friends and family egged me on through the drama, offering me support and telling me that things would be better once I was rid of him. And then once I did they all went back to their lives and I was left all alone to try and rebuild something in my 40s.

It tells you how absolutely crushing loneliness is.

So yes I would much rather have stayed in that relationship if I knew that the support my friends were offering was going to drift when I needed it most