AIBU to cancel 4th days?

pleasecomebacksummer · 2025-09-15T11:35:21+00:00

I’ve been chatting to come one for nearly 8 weeks, met 2 weeks ago and had 3 dates. Next date is this week. For the first 6/7 weeks communication was via text and was mostly daily. It was only 1/2 texts but kept the momentum going. Last date was Wednesday but I didn’t hear from him Thursday to Sunday. For me that’s too long and now I just don’t want to go in the date. I just feel like all connection has gone by not having communication for 3 days which I know probably sounds ridiculous. YANBU- 3 days is quite long when dating and if this is his style it’s probably going to get worse and cause you more stress. YABU- the date was arranged so the interest is there. 3 days isn’t that long. Just go with the flow and go in the date.

Original poster

pleasecomebacksummer · 15/09/2025 17:07

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/09/2025 16:08

What was the tone of the message when he did reply to you after those three days?

I wouldn’t necessarily be put off having the fourth date but I’d suspend how invested I was in it until I could gauge it all a bit better.

Well I do feel that the messages contained less effort than previous but then I suppose we had had quite a bit of face to face contact in less than a week. They were just one line and not really any questions, just a response to me.

OP posts:

Original poster

pleasecomebacksummer · 15/09/2025 17:04

sweetpickle2 · 15/09/2025 15:38

Without being crass, he was probably hoping for sex as it was your 3rd date.

Honestly after 7 weeks of talk and then 3 dates if sparks aren't flying by now they're probably never going to be- which might be why he's eased off.

Edited

To be fair though the opportunity wasn’t even there as we had gone out for food, food took soooo long to come and then I had to leave at 8 which we both knew before hand but didn’t expect to but in the pub waiting for food for so long. I did feel that there was a spark there but there wasn’t the opportunity for anything more than a quick kiss.

OP posts:

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/09/2025 16:08

What was the tone of the message when he did reply to you after those three days?

I wouldn’t necessarily be put off having the fourth date but I’d suspend how invested I was in it until I could gauge it all a bit better.

noidea69 · 15/09/2025 16:04

pleasecomebacksummer · 15/09/2025 13:09

Yep but I was last to text on Thursday and we usually text back and forth, not double text so me double texting would have been not the pattern we had developed

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No offence but the "i'm not double texting" view is a bit of a thing a 14 year old would say.

sweetpickle2 · 15/09/2025 15:38

Without being crass, he was probably hoping for sex as it was your 3rd date.

Honestly after 7 weeks of talk and then 3 dates if sparks aren't flying by now they're probably never going to be- which might be why he's eased off.

Original poster

pleasecomebacksummer · 15/09/2025 14:05

Jk987 · 15/09/2025 13:13

What happened on the last date? Was it fun and passionate?

it Was a bit stressful as I needed to get back and our food took a very long time but yes it seemed to go fine and we did have a kiss at the end which he initiated.

OP posts:

Original poster

pleasecomebacksummer · 15/09/2025 14:03

iamnotalemon · 15/09/2025 13:04

I don’t have any advice but I’m totally with you on the anxiety and anxious attachment style. I think I need therapy myself. I find dating so difficult and it makes me just want to stay single if I’m honest.

It’s exhausting isn’t it 😭

OP posts:

Jk987 · 15/09/2025 13:13

What happened on the last date? Was it fun and passionate?

noidea69 · 15/09/2025 13:09

terrafirma2025 · 15/09/2025 13:05

As far as I know, she texted him every day. She said he didn't contact her, did not say she did not contact him.

Anway, I have given all the advice I can usefully give, so am off to do other things now.

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NuffSaidSam · Today 12:39

Did you message him between Thursday and Sunday?

No I didn’t. I was last to text Thursday and we do usually ‘take in turns’. I have anxiety and possible ocd regarding dating and relationships so struggle with what is normal or acceptable and fear becoming over bearing so tend to let the other person lead the communication. He did text yesterday but by then I’d had it in my head it had lost interest.

She said that she didnt contact him between Thursday & Sunday.

Original poster

pleasecomebacksummer · 15/09/2025 13:09

noidea69 · 15/09/2025 13:01

Not the OP though, she cant text once a day, as she didnt text him on those days.

Is it possible he was busy with his children, so maybe on the Friday didnt text you, but as he saw that you didnt text he thought to himself "maybe she's not interested in me"?

These things are a 2 way street arent they.

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Yep but I was last to text on Thursday and we usually text back and forth, not double text so me double texting would have been not the pattern we had developed

OP posts:

terrafirma2025 · 15/09/2025 13:05

noidea69 · 15/09/2025 13:01

Not the OP though, she cant text once a day, as she didnt text him on those days.

Is it possible he was busy with his children, so maybe on the Friday didnt text you, but as he saw that you didnt text he thought to himself "maybe she's not interested in me"?

These things are a 2 way street arent they.

Show quote history

As far as I know, she texted him every day. She said he didn't contact her, did not say she did not contact him.

Anway, I have given all the advice I can usefully give, so am off to do other things now.

iamnotalemon · 15/09/2025 13:04

I don’t have any advice but I’m totally with you on the anxiety and anxious attachment style. I think I need therapy myself. I find dating so difficult and it makes me just want to stay single if I’m honest.

Original poster

pleasecomebacksummer · 15/09/2025 13:02

terrafirma2025 · 15/09/2025 12:56

Hmm.

I ended a fledgling relationship, back in 2017 (I know it was then because that was my first and only foray into online dating) because he was breadcrumbing me. I said to him that he was obviously good with low contact, but that I was not, and that as this was the start of the relationship when we were both putting our best foot forward - as it were - it was obvious to me it wouldn't work.

I was really polite and told him that since our expectations for dating were different it wouldn't work out, no judgement - in fact I made sure to say to him that he was entitled to only text a few times a week and I was equally entitled to expect a message every day. So, no hard feelings, good luck out there, bye.

He went bananas at me, and blocked me 😅

In the end, you have to feel comfortable and respected. Do you?

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I don’t feel disrespected as such a it’s probably more a situation of us having different communication styles. We did actually first connect in 2017, but neither of us can remember why we stopped chatting and didn’t meet. Maybe this was why! I will never know!

OP posts:

noidea69 · 15/09/2025 13:01

terrafirma2025 · 15/09/2025 12:49

Everyone can text once a day. Absolutely everyone. If that was not his previous style, then it wouldn't be weird. But it wasn't, so it is.

And not to message you after a date is also kind of rude, imo.

You could give it one more date to see, if you really want to. I wouldn't, but that's just me.

Edited

Show quote history

Not the OP though, she cant text once a day, as she didnt text him on those days.

Is it possible he was busy with his children, so maybe on the Friday didnt text you, but as he saw that you didnt text he thought to himself "maybe she's not interested in me"?

These things are a 2 way street arent they.

NuffSaidSam · 15/09/2025 12:57

I think you need to cancel the next date and move on. He's put you off now so go with your gut and end this now.

terrafirma2025 · 15/09/2025 12:56

pleasecomebacksummer · 15/09/2025 12:53

He did text me after the date. There was a bit of texting Wednesday night, Thursday am and then nothing but yes there isn’t the effort that was there prior to the dates.

Show quote history

Hmm.

I ended a fledgling relationship, back in 2017 (I know it was then because that was my first and only foray into online dating) because he was breadcrumbing me. I said to him that he was obviously good with low contact, but that I was not, and that as this was the start of the relationship when we were both putting our best foot forward - as it were - it was obvious to me it wouldn't work.

I was really polite and told him that since our expectations for dating were different it wouldn't work out, no judgement - in fact I made sure to say to him that he was entitled to only text a few times a week and I was equally entitled to expect a message every day. So, no hard feelings, good luck out there, bye.

He went bananas at me, and blocked me 😅

In the end, you have to feel comfortable and respected. Do you?

Original poster

pleasecomebacksummer · 15/09/2025 12:54

terrafirma2025 · 15/09/2025 12:52

My gut says you're right. But again, you could try one last date if you are really keen. Then if he keeps up the breadcrumbing you will know for sure.

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I was keen but now completely put off. Part of the reason is fear of rejection, so the change in communication and lack of contact doesn’t help with that.

OP posts:

Original poster

pleasecomebacksummer · 15/09/2025 12:53

terrafirma2025 · 15/09/2025 12:49

Everyone can text once a day. Absolutely everyone. If that was not his previous style, then it wouldn't be weird. But it wasn't, so it is.

And not to message you after a date is also kind of rude, imo.

You could give it one more date to see, if you really want to. I wouldn't, but that's just me.

Edited

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He did text me after the date. There was a bit of texting Wednesday night, Thursday am and then nothing but yes there isn’t the effort that was there prior to the dates.

OP posts:

terrafirma2025 · 15/09/2025 12:52

pleasecomebacksummer · 15/09/2025 12:51

He did have his kids so that’s why there was no date during the weekend but yes I feel like the interest has wained and he isn’t as keen as he was. I would have preferred to meet quickly but it was the school hols and our availability clashed the whole period.

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My gut says you're right. But again, you could try one last date if you are really keen. Then if he keeps up the breadcrumbing you will know for sure.

JimmyGiraffe · 15/09/2025 12:52

If its causing your anxiety OP, then its not the right situation, no matter what anyone else thinks

Original poster

pleasecomebacksummer · 15/09/2025 12:51

terrafirma2025 · 15/09/2025 12:47

For the first 6/7 weeks communication was via text and was mostly daily. It was only 1/2 texts but kept the momentum going. Last date was Wednesday but I didn’t hear from him Thursday to Sunday.

Unless something happened like he was in hospital for three days, then yes he has lost interest.

He's breadcrumbing you so he has a back up plan.

I suppose if you are really keen you could go on one more date and see if he explains why the sudden desire to keep his entire weekend free and not bother to message you for four days when he had been doing so daily before. I wouldn't bother though. The start of a relationship is meant to be the super keen bit, if he's not bothered now, it won't improve.

Edited

He did have his kids so that’s why there was no date during the weekend but yes I feel like the interest has wained and he isn’t as keen as he was. I would have preferred to meet quickly but it was the school hols and our availability clashed the whole period.

OP posts:

FruitFlyPie · 15/09/2025 12:50

I'm not one that enjoys texting people all day long but three days with no contact after talking for 8 weeks? When I'm dating someone I'd expect daily messages tbh. Sounds like you've both lost interest.

Original poster

pleasecomebacksummer · 15/09/2025 12:49

sweetpickle2 · 15/09/2025 12:47

It doesn't really matter if other people think 3 days is too long or fine. The fact is its too long for you, so clearly your communication styles are different. Throw this one back.

Are you seeking therapy for your anxious attachment style? You need to work on that before you're dating seriously, I think.

Yes I am awaiting an assessment for talking therapy. Ive been single for 5 years and thought I’d worked through my anxiety and issues as I managed the chatting etc well for the first 6 weeks but once we met it was through the roof again and I have been thinking too that maybe I need to give it a rest completely until I have worked through it.

OP posts:

terrafirma2025 · 15/09/2025 12:49

pleasecomebacksummer · 15/09/2025 12:47

he did have his kids but they are older and he usually texts when he has them. I sense suppose I do sense interest has wained hence my reservation.

Show quote history

Everyone can text once a day. Absolutely everyone. If that was not his previous style, then it wouldn't be weird. But it wasn't, so it is.

And not to message you after a date is also kind of rude, imo.

You could give it one more date to see, if you really want to. I wouldn't, but that's just me.

Doggymummar · 15/09/2025 12:47

I found it much better to meet quickly when I was dating online. If we didn't meet within 72 hours I lost interest. If you are both looking for relationships that should be plenty of time. In this case if he had been in touch then he is still interested, but it sounds like you are not so tell him.