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AIBU?

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Original poster

to not invite my sister for Christmas?

831 replies

NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 02:04

Our mother died in late August of dementia. Our dad died about a decade ago. I have three kids of university age. My sister has no kids as she never really wanted them, and she married a horrible man who had an affair and then left her.

I feel completely and utterly shattered after my mum's illness and death. I long, long, long to have Christmas with just my husband and kids, and no one else. I am dead with exhaustion after this year. Sis did more care, as she had more time, but obvs the whole thing is/was awful for us both.

Would I be unreasonable not to invite my sister for Christmas? She'll be on her own otherwise or have to go to friends, as our parents are gone and she's getting divorced. I know it sounds awful but I'm just so strung out. And I love Christmas just us.

Help!

OP posts:
Calliopespa · 22/09/2025 16:14

NameChangedforThis3036 · 22/09/2025 16:13

Also, my sister isn't some young ingenue. She's well into middle age and is perfectly capable of looking after herself.

None of us are really totally capable of being all alone in life. But I agree, if she's working she'll be fine that day.

TanquerayTickles · 22/09/2025 16:14

Op, do you really not see that this year is different though? It's the 1st Christmas since losing your Mum, that your Sister cared for, and who would otherwise be on her own at this painful time. You can see the cruelty in potentially doing that to her, can't you?

Original poster
NameChangedforThis3036 · 22/09/2025 16:13

Also, my sister isn't some young ingenue. She's well into middle age and is perfectly capable of looking after herself.

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangedforThis3036 · 22/09/2025 16:12

Calliopespa · 22/09/2025 16:11

Sometimes these threads are like a cart rolling down a hill. If it hits a stone that causes it to veer left, it goes further and further to the left as it gathers speed.

Try not to let it bother you too much - but do look after your lovely sister.

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Thank you for your kind words. I do feel guilty, but I gave in to people for so long that I just can't do it anymore.

OP posts:
Calliopespa · 22/09/2025 16:11

NameChangedforThis3036 · 22/09/2025 16:09

Yeah, I'm going to do that.

I don't really get the responses. Mumsnet is often all about protecting your family unit and holding your boundaries and not giving in to others outside it when you don't want to.

Show quote history

Sometimes these threads are like a cart rolling down a hill. If it hits a stone that causes it to veer left, it goes further and further to the left as it gathers speed.

Try not to let it bother you too much - but do look after your lovely sister.

Original poster
NameChangedforThis3036 · 22/09/2025 16:11

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 22/09/2025 16:06

Yes, you raised your daughter.

And the lesson you are currently teaching your daughter is that it's OK to leave family members alone at Christmas.

And that when she has a husband and child it's perfectly fine for her to have a small, intimate Christmas with just the "Three Musketeers".

What goes around comes around, OP. Karma is a bitch.

Edited
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I would be OK with travelling with my DH in that case. And if anything happened to him, no way would my daughter leave me on my own. I'm a great mum, and we are very close. It's not the same with a sister. I didn't choose her and we are really different.

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangedforThis3036 · 22/09/2025 16:09

Calliopespa · 22/09/2025 15:53

I don't think you are going to turn this crew round at this point op; that horse has bolted. But I'm glad it has worked out for you and that your sister won't get hurt, as she sounds lovely.

Perhaps you could offer her a lovely Christmassy visit another day since it won't need to be impacting the 25th now?

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Yeah, I'm going to do that.

I don't really get the responses. Mumsnet is often all about protecting your family unit and holding your boundaries and not giving in to others outside it when you don't want to.

OP posts:
MissScarletInTheBallroom · 22/09/2025 16:08

NameChangedforThis3036 · 22/09/2025 16:05

Don't know why you think it's not real. Many people aren't that into their first family once they have their own families.

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You do realise that according to that definition, once your daughter has her "own family" you will become part of her "first family", right?

Moonlightbean123 · 22/09/2025 16:08

jonthebatiste · 15/09/2025 03:34

Hang on - is this a bloody reverse?? 😡

Oh dear lord please dont start with that. Anything can be a reverse can't it. 🤦‍♀️

nomas · 22/09/2025 16:08

NameChangedforThis3036 · 22/09/2025 16:00

Trying not to be outing. My daughter would never leave me alone for Christmas if I didn't have my DH. That's why I'm confident about it.

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Why won't your daughter want Christmas with just her 'little family' of her partner and dc in future?

You reap what you sow.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 22/09/2025 16:06

NameChangedforThis3036 · 22/09/2025 16:01

It's different. I raised my daughter. I didn't raise my sister.

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Yes, you raised your daughter.

And the lesson you are currently teaching your daughter is that it's OK to leave family members alone at Christmas.

And that when she has a husband and child it's perfectly fine for her to have a small, intimate Christmas with just the "Three Musketeers".

What goes around comes around, OP. Karma is a bitch.

Original poster
NameChangedforThis3036 · 22/09/2025 16:05

outofofficeagain · 22/09/2025 15:58

Dear lord!

’not a natural caregiver ‘ well that solves everything then doesn’t it.

Plenty of people aren’t but we don’t get to pick and choose who needs care.

You would have found it scarring? Well boo fucking hoo. Your sister is not immune from trauma because she’s a professional

I’m so glad she’a working- for her sake not yours.

I can’t quite believe your post is real.

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Don't know why you think it's not real. Many people aren't that into their first family once they have their own families.

OP posts:
JimPanzee · 22/09/2025 16:04

NameChangedforThis3036 · 22/09/2025 15:56

Her partner did not die, our mother's partner died. Read!

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Wow! Snotty, much?
Your post DID make it sound like your sister's partner died.

Elclr · 22/09/2025 16:03

NameChangedforThis3036 · 22/09/2025 15:53

I'll make my own plans.

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I refer you back to my posts about spending Christmas alone. It was bad enough being forced to do it, let alone knowing you are unwanted by your family.

Good luck when the day comes. Like I say, I hope it makes you reflect.

Original poster
NameChangedforThis3036 · 22/09/2025 16:03

I'm not saying I'm right about Christmas, I'm saying it's the way I feel. And I have bent over backwards for others too many times.

OP posts:
HereWeComeAtLast · 22/09/2025 16:02

NameChangedforThis3036 · 22/09/2025 16:00

Trying not to be outing. My daughter would never leave me alone for Christmas if I didn't have my DH. That's why I'm confident about it.

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Because she’s not self centred? Because you’ve emotionally manipulated her to put you first?

JimPanzee · 22/09/2025 16:02

NameChangedforThis3036 · 22/09/2025 15:53

I'll make my own plans.

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But if everyone thinks like you, no-one will want you with them.

Original poster
NameChangedforThis3036 · 22/09/2025 16:02

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 22/09/2025 15:58

The fact that several people made the same mistake should tell you that your post was not clear.

Jesus, you get worse and worse. Cold, unfeeling and rude to boot.

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I went back and saw that it wasn't clear. Apologies.

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangedforThis3036 · 22/09/2025 16:01

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 22/09/2025 16:00

You mean your daughter would never be so cruel as to treat you the way you treat your sister?

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It's different. I raised my daughter. I didn't raise my sister.

OP posts:
MissScarletInTheBallroom · 22/09/2025 16:00

NameChangedforThis3036 · 22/09/2025 16:00

Trying not to be outing. My daughter would never leave me alone for Christmas if I didn't have my DH. That's why I'm confident about it.

Edited
Show quote history

You mean your daughter would never be so cruel as to treat you the way you treat your sister?

Original poster
NameChangedforThis3036 · 22/09/2025 16:00

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 22/09/2025 15:59

Did you not say earlier in the thread that you don't think you'll ever be alone for Christmas because you have three children?

If you only have one child I think it's quite likely that you will be alone for Christmas at some point in your life. And if you aren't, it will be because other people show you the kind of charity that you lack.

Edited
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Trying not to be outing. My daughter would never leave me alone for Christmas if I didn't have my DH. That's why I'm confident about it.

OP posts:
HereWeComeAtLast · 22/09/2025 16:00

NameChangedforThis3036 · 22/09/2025 15:47

Well, another detail I changed is that I actually only have one child. She's the one who's 22 and has the serious uni boyfriend, and I really do think that this is the last year ever that it will be just the three of us at Christmas. I want to cherish that time. I hope this makes it more understandable.

ETA: Having someone there who's not part of our little Three Musketeers group just changes the dynamic. It's less intimate. Just different. Can anyone relate? I don't know why I find anyone being there but my husband and child so uneasy, but there you are.

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Nope, not in the slightest. You come across as more narcissistic with each post. I do hope that your daughter spends it elsewhere.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 22/09/2025 15:59

NameChangedforThis3036 · 22/09/2025 15:47

Well, another detail I changed is that I actually only have one child. She's the one who's 22 and has the serious uni boyfriend, and I really do think that this is the last year ever that it will be just the three of us at Christmas. I want to cherish that time. I hope this makes it more understandable.

ETA: Having someone there who's not part of our little Three Musketeers group just changes the dynamic. It's less intimate. Just different. Can anyone relate? I don't know why I find anyone being there but my husband and child so uneasy, but there you are.

Edited
Show quote history

Did you not say earlier in the thread that you don't think you'll ever be alone for Christmas because you have three children?

If you only have one child I think it's quite likely that you will be alone for Christmas at some point in your life. And if you aren't, it will be because other people show you the kind of charity that you lack.

outofofficeagain · 22/09/2025 15:58

NameChangedforThis3036 · 22/09/2025 15:52

I'm not a natural caregiver, I'm just not. I don't have the patience and seeing Mum so ill would have really scarred me. Sis does that as part of her job. I did my best to offer her support.

Dear lord!

’not a natural caregiver ‘ well that solves everything then doesn’t it.

Plenty of people aren’t but we don’t get to pick and choose who needs care.

You would have found it scarring? Well boo fucking hoo. Your sister is not immune from trauma because she’s a professional

I’m so glad she’a working- for her sake not yours.

I can’t quite believe your post is real.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 22/09/2025 15:58

NameChangedforThis3036 · 22/09/2025 15:56

Her partner did not die, our mother's partner died. Read!

Show quote history

The fact that several people made the same mistake should tell you that your post was not clear.

Jesus, you get worse and worse. Cold, unfeeling and rude to boot.