to not invite my sister for Christmas?

I agree that you’re not responsible with your sister’s life choices, I.e., that she married someone horrible and decided not to have children, but you need to be compassionate and invite her. She may not choose to come, but extend the invitation.

Re. Driving. Could she take the train to a nearby station and be picked up? As an adult, I’ve never expected anyone to do a 200-mile round trip to pick me up and then drop me home again. What I’d do is extend the invitation and not mention lifts.

They are adults not children and as such if the eldest decides they want to spend Christmas with their partner even if it's not at partners house there is nothing you can do about it. You can still have a drink if your sister stays in a hotel become there is this thing called taxis

I think it would be pretty awful not to invite her actually.

Your mother's death is very recent. By December you'll have had another 3 months and you might be feeling a bit different from now.

She's alone and she did most of the caring. Probably almost all of the caring infact. You need to properly acknowledge that.

Life is unfortunately a sequence of instances of not getting what we want.
Your sister doesn't even have a husband anymore. Talk about disappointment!

Generally life is lots of small disappointments on top of the big ones, like weddings getting cancelled or scaled down during covid, young people missing out on prom etc
We just need to soldier on.

I'm very sorry for your loss. It's hard to see clear when grieving but try to not to focus on your idea of the perfect Christmas it sounds like you do have good memories of previous ones, so it’s not like you've never had a Christmas with just your family.

I think it’s really cruel to exclude your DS - particularly as this is the first Christmas without both her parents and she has no husband and kids to support her through this. She’s lost her mum too.
I also think you’re teaching your children a lesson you might one day regret. If they see you comfortable with excluding DS at what’s likely to be the hardest Christmas for her yet, don’t be surprised in the future if you find yourself alone at Christmas whilst they enjoy family days ‘just them’ and their children / partners. You’ll have taught them that Christmas is about being selfish and prioritising your own needs - which is directly in contrast to the true spirit of Christmas.

Not “on the cusp of adulthood” … but adults already.
Just finishing Uni, puts them at 21/22, and you “won’t let” them spend Christmas with their partner. You can’t stop them.

I often say on these kinds of threads that you shouldn’t feel beholden and the handwringing every year is unnecessary. However, in this circumstance I’d invite her, I spent the first Christmas without my mum with my brother we were both grieving, I don’t view him as a ‘guest’ he’s my brother and can make himself as at home as he likes. It was quiet and different but I’m really glad he wasn’t on his own and that we had each other.

She may not want to come to you but also whilst you’re doing your thing your sister may feel incredibly lonely and the sense of loss may be compounded. She might be fine. Speak to her but don’t leave her out, not this year.

I think YABU and unkind. You acknowledge that your sister did most of the care, you are both grieving and yet you want to leave her on her own for Christmas? I’m sorry but it sounds selfish and harsh. Your children are grown up, does it really matter if you have one more adult around the table? I could understand it slightly more if your children were really young and you wanted to do the whole exciting Santa/presents thing together.

Christmas is not the time to exclude anyone.

She does have a family. You are her family. Your children, who adore her as their aunty, are her family. Please invite her. Family is so important. The day might come when you might need her and appreciate that but by then it could be too late.

I’m beginning to think the same, nobody could be this tone deaf, in reality

I think this divorced aunt should just be grateful that you’re still talking to her, given her childless existence.

I have to agree.

This level of sheer heartlessness has to be a wind up

Hang on - is this a bloody reverse?? 😡

It is only the middle of September, come December you might well be feeling less tired etc etc. Do I think you should invite your Sister - yes I,do. Not only in recognition of her increased care of your late Mother, but also she is your last surviving sibling, your children enjoy her, and going by what you say she is not at all difficult.

Christmas can be a lonely time for someone on their own, cop onto yourself.

I think this is actually pretty awful.

Here is a woman in her 50s who’s nursed her mother through dementia, buried her, has no dad, is going through a divorce, has no kids….and her one and only living relative wants her to be alone at Christmas (you do want it, because you know that’s what will happen and you are actively trying to bring it about). Why? Because you prefer your husband and kids even though she’s perfectly decent and your own kids love her, and because if she wanted to be around family at Christmas she should have had kids of her own.

This is so awful I’m wondering if it’s actually true.

"Yes, she has friends and a community, but she left them for months at a time to help Mum."

Wasn't that lucky for you.

So what if your eldest decides they want to spend Christmas with their partner? And your Mother died in late August? Of this year? Less than a month ago and you are already planning Christmas

I’m the sister who did ‘most of the caring’ until my parent died from Alzheimer’s at home after eleven years.

I would have found it very hard indeed to hear that my siblings felt THEY were beyond exhausted.

Yeah but the sister had “time.” I’m sure she’s happy to take half the inheritance though.