to not invite my sister for Christmas?

You’re awful. Really awful. My DH lost his mum in September 2023, she was in her 50’s and us her 30’s so we were all very young to go through such a thing. They don’t have a dad after he left when DH was 6. DH and I have 2 DS aged 5 and 1 (at the time). Just some context to I understand the loss of all the family bar a sibling. Our DS’ are young, one has complex needs and Christmas is chaos.

DH has a brother 2 years younger than me, who has no partner or children. It would never enter my mind to not invite him or deliberately leave him on his own at Christmas. I mentally swore then that BIL would never be alone at Christmas and would always have a place round our tree. Additionally we already host my mum who has mobility needs and is on her own.

I hate hosting, not so much the pressure but all the cooking and cleaning. However, that’s not their fault, they are our family and they are welcome in our home and our Christmas whenever they so wish. If that’s every year, then it’s every year. I welcome them with love and grace and warmth because it’s Christmas. They’re family, we love them and I might hate the washing up but I love them more. I’m not a saint by any means, it’s no more than probably everyone else on this thread would do, I’m a person who wants her family to know they have somewhere to go.

Starting this thread was pointless as you’ve made your mind up and that’s fine. What’s worse is you’ve said your sister is forgiving so you’ve already banked on the fact that you can do this and she’ll forgive you and you can pick her up again when you’re ready. She did it all for your mum, you’ve had years of Christmas alone and bar worrying (!), a few fast drives and a few appointments she picked it all up and shelved her own life.

You’ve made your mind up and will exclude her. Fine, you do you, but don’t come back one day when your sister hopefully wises up bleating how she doesn’t want anything to do with you or your children won’t spend Christmas with you. You’ve made your bed, much like you believe your sister has.

It's up to you OP

I was the sister who did more care so I am struggling to be impartial but she may feel abandoned and hurt, also dismissed as no longer being useful to you.

Will she have somewhere else to go? Just seems quite hard from her point of view at your closing ranks.

My parents both died when I was relatively young. My siblings were all married with children.

The first Christmas after my Mum died I went to my sister’s. If she had told
me she just wanted Christmas ‘with her family’ I would have been devastated. It was so raw to me that everyone else had a family and I didn’t that pointing it out like this would have been incredibly cruel.

Your sister may rather make other plans, but I think it’s important that she knows that she still has a family.

You should feel guilty. This is all about you. No thought that perhaps your children enjoyed those christmases with grandparents and aunt, no thought that even now they would like their loved aunt there and will whatever they say think a lot less of you for being so heartless. Your sister gave you those christmases she spent with your Mum which were quite probably hard work with small amounts of pleasure and now when she is mourning and on her own you can’t be bothered having one extra person, your only sister at the table - not even staying in your house. How cold and heartless. I would give anything to have my sister with me but I lost her some years ago.

She might not even want to spend Christmas with you, I wouldn’t if these posts are anything to go by (sorry).

You hardly have to ‘host’ for 1 extra adult, she would probably be happy to help you out with cooking etc and I’m sure she could pre book a taxi, why don’t you try?

I think I can answer this one.

Boundaries and self care are therapist speak for putting yourself before others.

It's not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes you do need to prioritise your own wellbeing because you can't fill from an empty jug and all that. But many people use these words to justify behaving in a selfish, exclusionary way. It's not always easy to see which side of the line you are on, which is probably why you are here posting on AIBU.

My view is that you have actually had the kind of Christmas you wanted for the last four or five years, and this year it would be kind to include your sister. From what you've said here it doesn't sound like there is a back story, she doesn't sound unpleasant or difficult or annoying, she's happy to stay in a hotel. Could you Spring for a taxi back to the nearest hotel in the evening so you can all have a drink?

All of this is assuming she wants to come, of course. She may have other plans. She may be dreaming of spending Christmas Day on a beach in the Caribbean, or home alone watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy back to back and eating curry, or going to church and then volunteering in a soup kitchen. So I would gently sound her out and find out whether she already has any plans which don't involve coming to yours, but make her welcome to come to you if she wants.

Lucky she did choose not to have kids eh, otherwise she may have been able to.use them as an excuse not to step up.

I'm also amazed that you didn't want to have your mum at any point in the last 5 years, given she was clearly on the way out.

Until all of them, as modelled by you, decide that it's not a proper Christmas until they spend it only with their 'own' rather than 'original' family. They won't want it ruined by having to spend it with parents or in laws either...

Maybe you've just heartless and selfish.

Or suggest going out on Christmas Day. That way you see your sister for lunch but you have the morning and evening at home.

The sister doesn’t drive & lives 100 miles away. No trains on Xmas Day or Boxing Day so if she came to the OP’s area for Christmas, the shortest period she could manage would be Christmas Eve to 27 Dec.

This really takes the biscuit!

Your sister, who by your own admission did almost all the heavy lifting and was by your mothers side as she died whilst you did very little bar attend a few appointments and “worried constantly” deserves much more than spending time with you. She needs a warm welcome and affectionate inclusion.

I wanted kids but couldn't have them. Do I get an invite in your scenario? Cos it's not "my fault"?

What's having kids got to do with it. Going forward your kids might not want to spend or with you. How will that make you feel. You're incredibly selfish.

Honestly, I couldn't personally exclude her in your shoes. I really couldn't.
I feel for both of you though.
She may have wanted children, and not told you the full story. These things can be complicated.
But, think of it another way - wouldn't you like to think your children will look out for eachother when the time comes that they have lost their parents?

One of you would have to not have a drink? Are you alcohol dependent? Jesus OP, grow up! It’s one person extra and she can help with ALL that extra work that one extra brings… Stop being a selfish cow and invite her. She might say no anyway.

The thing is you say that you lost all your children's Christmases, but you didn't, you had those Christmases and got to be with family too. I think you have a very odd view of Christmas because to me it's all about love, charity, warmth and being together with everyone you care about. Surely you could do a nuclear family get together on boxing day or Christmas Eve.

Or suggest going out on Christmas Day. That way you see your sister for lunch but you have the morning and evening at home. And then you could always do a family Christmas full trimmings at home just for your family on Boxing Day?

I felt for you at first, but your attitude is truly dreadful and I'm afraid you sound like a very unkind person. If you are like that in real life I'd be surprised if she wanted to spend any time with you anyway.

Good

You feel guilty quite rightly, because you’re being incredibly selfish and self absorbed and you know it.

And having one person extra is not "hosting" FFS. It is an extra plate.

Lucky you to have had a sister that did the vast majority of care and kept your mum company at Christmas for the last few years of her life.

What a selfish and ungrateful person you are.

I hope the sister fucks off to the a yoga retreat somewhere for Christmas and bar a token card each year doesn't speak to the OP again. They then discover later down the line that she was sat on a massive fortune through this career she could put on hold for their mother for months at a time but when she passes she leaves it to a dementia charity instead of her only family (the OP) because they're not 'real family' anyway.

I seem to recall a story about there being no room at the Inn.

What was it again?

How would you feel if your own children were facing this situation after your death?