to not invite my sister for Christmas?

Do you know if your sister wants to spend Xmas with you? What is it that is stressing you out about having her over, can you articulate it?

Whilst I think you are being unreasonable, I am acutely aware that we are all challenging somebody who has recently lost their mum. Calling you a sociopath is very unreasonable.

Grief can do strange things. And people can have abnormal grief reactions, especially if there are complicating factors like a difficult relationship with the loved one, or feelings of guilt, anger or disappointment.

anyway, have a think about why you feel so strongly here. And I am genuinely sorry for your very recent and significant loss. It has been tough for you too of course. But try and see things from your sister’s point of view. She deserves some care now.

So are we, but there’s plenty of time to book one in advance as it’s only September

This sounds perfect - and you sound lovely

This is not appropriate. Don’t ask people things like this. It’s rude.

You sound selfish and immature.

Not a lot of empathy or resilience in this post.

Your sister deserves better.

OP, I am all for women practising self-care, asserting themselves, not being people-pleasers. But this year, this Christmas, this situation with your sister, is not the place to implement it. Please.

I think the OP has made it perfectly clear that your ‘real family’ is more important than your ‘original family’ so I definitely see a time when her children all decide they want Christmas at home with ‘their little family’ and the OP is high and dry.

No obligation to do anything they don’t want cos ‘self-care’

or hopfully they’ll find partners whose family host huge ‘everyone welcome’ Christmases which are loads of fun and they prefer that.

You're very honest.

I do think you need to care for your sister though and to want to do that. Watching someone die is a new level of trauma and the minute by minute trying to make things better for an Iil loved one. You are completely bereft and adrift for so long afterwards. She cared for your mum and now you need to care for her.

Obviously you understand this though otherwise you wouldn't be asking. I'm not sure why you are having a weird blip and focusing on Xmas ....becoming the next generation to die and feeling the shortness of time is hard to deal with, but I think this reaction is just that , and you would feel better if you do the right thing for everyone (including an example for your kids of how to deal with this stage of life).

Are you not incredibly grateful that your sister moved in and helped your mum. What a sacrifice and amazing of her which absolved you of the responsibility. I really can't understand your mindset. It sounds like you have had the last few Christmas' without hosting. I'm sorry OP it would be very unkind not to include her. She put your mum first, I think you should put her first. It doesn't even sound like a hardship. She sounds lovely and not intrusive in any way.

You're probably not ND but I do think that you might have a personality disorder as you are completely lacking in empathy and kindness. You have the traits and the behaviour a sociopath or even a psychopath.

Maybe they'll all start practicing "self care"

Your poor sister. You have no comprehension, even after being told by many posters, as to how awful your attitude is.

If my Mum was intending to do this to my Aunt, especially given the hellish year she’d had, I would go and spend Christmas with my Aunt instead. It would really make me think less of you.

If my sister cared for my dying mum, I would literally be begging her to come to mine for Xmas.

Its one person and I can’t see how she’ll change the dynamic so much that you don’t want her there.
Even if it did, I would suck it up this one year.

I wonder if you are jealous of her.
Nothing else would explain your behaviour.

You’re ’fine with her life’? Big of you. 🙄

and of course she left her friends and community - she moved in with your mum to look after her!

You sound really selfish and un-self-aware.

And make up your mind. in one post you say that you were forced into family Xmases when your dc were small, but in another you say that you ‘insisted’ you stayed at your own house’ - so which is true? They can’t both be true.

What jumped out in your first post was you saying your sister did more care as ‘she had more time’. She didn’t - but convenient for you to claim this as the truth is you just think her time, her life, is of less value than yours. Astonishing that you believe you are ‘hot on personal responsibility’.

No, sister chose to do that. There’s nothing in the parent child contract that says you’ve got to care for a parent. Op hasn’t left her sister to do anything.

So an alcoholic drink is more important than family?

Yep awful isn't it? I lost my mum when I was 30 and running my own new business which failed due to me taking on a huge amount of care because I loved in another country so started spending half my week in each country for several months. I'd do it again in a heartbeat to have those extra hours with my mum.

My brother had a small child at the time and he and his wife who lived right by my mum did everything they could to avoid any inconvenience from our dying mum. Using the baby as their excuse. I have 2 kids now and if my husband's mum was terminally ill I'd be disgusted with us if he couldn't be there regularly given she's half an hour away.

Anyway, hideous post and I feel like I need to call my remaining childless sister. We fight over her at Christmas and other events by the way. The woman sometimes takes herself abroad over Christmas because she's sick to death of us all trying to feed her turkey and force her into festivities. The idea that we'd leave her to flounder because she's currently single and childless is mind boggling to me.

Wow, you are totally selfish AND controlling - no one else, or their opinion, matters except yours
Knowing their aunt is alone on Christmas Day will ruin it for your children

Also, I think you owe it to your sister for doing all that care. Worrying about someone is not offering care.

So this sister cared for your dying mum

Took on all Christmas hosting for 5 years which helped you out

Is now alone on the world and grieving and you're like 'not my problem?' that poor woman

Your assume you will always get an invite from your kids, however, maybe she always assumed she would have an invite from her sister? There's not some law about children being a guarantee and noone else. If your sister had died would you have left your mum alone for Christmas? When all your children are married they may want to have a nuclear Christmas at home too? That won't include you?

I feel for you but I think celebrating without her is pretty awful and I think... Could you REALLY enjoy the day knowing she was alone?

I am left speechless on so many levels, but am not going to waste anymore time saying why beyond karma has a way of catching up.

Bloody hell. It ‘made more sense’ for her to look after and nurse your dying mother because she ‘had more time’? Just because she doesn’t have ADULT children??

Your poor sister - not just because she’s had a horrendously stressful year, but because she has you for a sister.

You sound absolutely heartless, critical of your sister, controlling of your children, and an absolute bitch.

You should be alone at Xmas.

You don’t sound very kind or compassionate. I couldn’t imagine speaking about family this way, it comes across mean

She did more of the care, she's alone and she can't come for a meal? Horrific attitude