to not invite my sister for Christmas?

Your mother must have been so ashamed of you, and what kind of person you became. How selfish and self-involved you became. Even when she was sick, you didn't spend the holidays with her.

So is the latest excuse for being a selfish arsehole “I’m putting down boundaries”?

OP you need to take a long hard look at yourself.

I wouldn’t bank on that given how you’ve role modelled how to treat family so generously.

I sincerely believe he will oneday wake up, realise what a selfish woman he married and leave. Because you are beyond the pale.

Was just thinking the same thing...or "it's causing issues in real life"

Oh, and YABU OP.

You're obsessed with this argument. Unless you have a massive backstory where you reveal to us that your sister has used this argument on you, I genuinely don't understand why you keep repeating this, makes zero sense. I think you're missing the point quite spectacularly.

This is not self-care / setting boundaries, this is being mean and self-centered.
OP, even if you don’t get it, surly the 100s of posts in just a few hours should be enough for you to accept that it would be horrible of you not to invite her.
She did most of the care for your mum, spent the last 5 Christmas with her, and now when your mum has just died your priority is… yourself!
Get a grip, honestly.

Sis did more care, as she had more time, but obvs the whole thing is/was awful for us both

So you're strung out and tired because of your mother's death when she did most of the care.

I thought you were going to say you had babies and young children, but they're practically grown ups. You weren't in the trenches with nappies potty training in school runs, in that case.

So why weren't you providing more care to your mother? I'm reducing the burden on your sister?

This precise thing happened with my sister, and I. She did nothing for our mother but take from her and complain about her. And then when she was dying all of it was dumped on me and then my sister criticised me heavily for what I haven't done for our mother when she did the square root of fuck all.

Do it o, p, have your quiet liittle christmas but don't expect your sister to forgive you and rightly so.

I really hate when people claim emotional stress from something they've barely had to deal with. She did all the care, but it was awful. Equally, for both of you, yeah, right

The way you speak about your sister speaks volumes. She had more time, so she did the care as if her life didn't matter. It was nothing she'd rather be doing.
Unlike you.

Ugh nasty. I actually wish ds had ppl that loved and cared for her who wanted her there. Most of us on here would happily welcome her with love and compassion way more than you.
you don’t sound kind at all, quite the opposite

When I read the title of this thread, I assumed that the sister must be horrible or would be bringing her large, unruly family and that's why you didn't want to invite her for Christmas.
I'm really shocked to read that you're thinking of excluding her. She's had a terrible time doing most of the caring for your dying mother. You keep going on about this possibly being the last family Christmas you have but your sister is family. Would having your sister there - one person who you admit everyone in your family likes - really ruin your Christmas?

I actually can't believe that I'm reading this. What an awful thing to do to your sister. It's cruel, nasty and selfish. Yes, we all have to have boundaries, but leaving your lovely sister on her own isn't 'boundaries' it's heartless and horrible. You should be ashamed of yourself, not looking for verification that it's ok to do this. 😣

You seem like a very selfish person. Narcissistic even.

Be upfront that you need a quiet one this year, but check in with her about her own plans and feelings.

Never have I wanted karma to bite someone in the backside quite as much as you OP

This

You’re all being big meanies to the OP. Sure, her sister moved into their mother’s home to care for her, but our poor beleaguered OP had A LOT of admin to do for her mom.

You remind me of my cousin. When my 89 year old grandfather was seriously ill I was driving my mother to and from the hospital, doing all the cooking for her so she had something to eat, supporting Mum, helping with personal care for grandad, and working full time. She visited him once, and asked me how I was. When I said that I was tired she laughed and said 'you wait until you have kids' (I was single).

We haven't been in contact since Grandad died over a decade ago. Some people can't see beyond themselves.

You haven't had your children's Christmas's stolen, they may not have been your ideal, but you spent them together, with other family too. I hope your sister never finds out how little you appreciate her.

I’ve read all your posts in the thread op but not all the answers

consider a compromise ? Tell her you want to have one last guaranteed the 5 of your Xmas day and would she like to travel to you Boxing Day or the next day or for new year ?
honesty is the best policy

I always host Xmas but last year my Dd wasn’t here as she has moved overseas so I said I wasn’t prepared to host anymore as I didn’t want them to all come en famille then leave me … worked fine

God forbid you lose your husband and none of your kids want you around because they want nuclear family time.

I totally understand wanting your own family Christmas but you have had a few years of it and your sister is alone and grieving. I think personally it would be selfish and horrible not to invite her. You could put boundaries around it like encouraging her to arrive at lunchtime on Christmas day rather than first thing, or something like that, but I do think you have to invite her. It's not her fault her ex is a shit. What if your kids decide to move all around the world and your DH turns out to be a cheating shit? Would you not want your sister to support you?

The longest relationship most of us have is with our siblings. They know us better than anyone - better than ourselves sometimes. If you think your sister hasn’t noticed that you prioritise yourself at every turn to the point that your adult child isn’t “allowed” to not spend Christmas with you, and it’s just more convenient for your sister to do 24/7 care for your mum with dementia and host her for Christmas single handedly for the most difficult 5 years of her life then you are in fantasy land. No way is the behaviour you have told us about on this thread atypical. You lack empathy and perspective. Your adult children and husband live with you but you can’t carve out any special time together in the 6 weeks of advent and Christmas? Your sister is loved by your children and has done the grunt work of caring for your mum - directly leading to you not having to (which you are bizarrely spinning as related to her choice to not have dc rather than your choice to not roll your sleeves up) and has put the work in so your have had 5 nuclear family Christmases in a row but she’s a massive inconvenience to you now there is no mum for her to take sole responsibility for. You can’t even let her crash on your sofa or on a blow up in your study or stay off the sauce for a few hours to run her back to a hotel. I bet 100% you will lie to at least your dc and probably your dh that auntie chose to spend the day with friends rather than say she is no longer useful to you so you cut her out. I hope auntie does spend the day with friends, she deserves the chance to build up her network again after sacrificing her free time to care work and prioritising family all these years. YABU but it’s probably better in the long run that your sister knows you don’t have her back and basically don’t like her enough to not drink for one afternoon.

In many ways I have been your sister.

I have never spoken to her since our father died. That is 14 years ago. I will never speak to her. She was also the one that could never help, never be bothered, and was more "into herself" than her family.

I’m waiting for the deletion message because OP has reported everyone for being mean.

Wow. I hope this is a wind up. OP, you are a truly awful person, completely selfish, ungrateful and uncaring. Your poor sister deserves so much better than you, do not be surprised when you end up the one alone.

Only read the OP so far, so if there is any drip feeding I've yet to see it. But based on the OP alone, yes I think you'd be wrong and quite unkind to not invite her, this year of all years.

She's your sister. She's not someone you have to put the red carpet out for, or make an extra effort. She'll muck in and after lunch you should be able to just zone out and watch some movies in your jammies without her minding a jot. She did more of the care for your mum so she'll be equally knackered or more so. But also she'll be sad and lonely, which you will not be. Have a heart.

Unless you don't actually like her very much for some reason? Which is another matter entirely and if that's the case then you should have mentioned it.