to not invite my sister for Christmas?

Let me guess, she’s the oldest sister and you’re the younger one?
Cannot believe you’ve had only your family for Christmas since 2020 and now you’ll leave your sister all alone. But maybe it’s a lucky escape for her

Right from your first post I thought how smug and self obsessed you sounded Op and you've just got worse with every post. Have your family Christmas without your DSis, it will let her see how you really feel so very little for her. Not a thought for your DM elderly partner either.

You sound very selfish. You say you’re exhausted- how do you think your sister feels. Sounds like get whole life recently has been caring for your mum.
her caring for your mum facilitated you having more of a life. Inviting her for Xmas would be the kind and thoughtful thing to do, but tbh if I were her I’d probably not want to spend it with you as you clearly don’t value her.

Wow! You have just had five Christmases together while I presume your sister took care of your sick mother so you didn’t have to? How selfish and thoughtless and unkind to exclude someone who is alone and been through a terrible time. You have a husband and family to support you during grief. She doesn’t. Now you would like her to be alone at one of the most difficult times of year for many people? This says a lot about who you are as a person. ☹️

Don't count on that OP. You wouldn't allow your child to spend Christmas with her boyfriend when she wanted to? I'm sorry for your loss and hoped that your apparent cold callousness was a grief reaction, but clearly not. You won't always be able to dictate and control what your kids do or who they spend Christmas with. Plenty of threads and posts on here of adults who would rather be anywhere than with certain family members on special occasions. Don't be that person.

Since 1995 I’ve hosted various family members at Christmas. From 1995 to 2020, I’ve hosted my widowed MIL (she’s a very difficult woman so I’ve had to grin and bear it). She’s now in a care home, but from 2018 and every year since, I now host my own mum as she’s become a widow in that time. Last year, I also hosted my single 50 year old cousin as there was no way I could leave him on his own Christmas Day.

So, OP, I have not had one year of not hosting since 1995. My Christmas Day is as follows.

Get Up.
Go to the care home to see MIL.
Pick my mum up on the way home.
My cousin arrives lunchtime.
I cook Christmas dinner.
We all have a nice time.
OH does Christmas tea.
Cousin goes home.
Mum stays till Boxing Day and goes home after.

This has been going on since 1995. Thirty years of hosting my family who would otherwise be on their own. I’m so totally shocked at your attitude to your sister for this one calendar day out of your year.

I would never, ever, leave any member of my family on their own for Christmas, end of story. I feel so sorry for your sister. It upsets me that you think so little of her.

Cruel to the point of wickedness.

Really sorry for your loss. It is all clearly really raw for you still. I think I do understand why you want your Christmas with just your DH and children - and also understand why that makes you feel a bit guilty. I think you will probably feel more guilty if indeed your sister ends up alone for Christmas.
I think the hotel option is fair if you have no space and it also gives you breathing room if you find hosting hard. It can be low key on the hosting front. May be better to sort hotel etc now - assuming your sister wants to come - as they may have taxi options that can be pre booked. Although it’s a bank holiday, some drivers will be working.
In contrast to the majority I voted that you are not being unreasonable - but I think you’ll regret it if your sister is alone for Christmas, so I’d advise a rethink. You’ve had a tough ride on here because you have been very honest.

Could it be possible that your sister would quite like not to travel this Christmas and spend it quietly at home? Just wondering if there might not be such an issue after all.

(Saying this as someone who is choosing this for myself and secretly relishing 4 days at home in own space with own choices!)

I agree.

Can you not invite her but agree on a simpler day than you might otherwise have managed?

I don't know why you keep bleating about her choosing not to have children. Having children is no guarantee that you'll never spend Christmas alone. Hopefully karma will do it's thing and you'll learn this the hard way one day. You sound very unpleasant.

So you have had the last five christmasses with just your family? You seem to think your sister almost deserves to be punished for not having kids. Your sister put her life on hold to nurse your dying mother. She’s going through a divorce. But as far as you’re concerned you want Christmas (number six!) with just your family and it doesn’t bother you that your sister will spend Christmas on her own coz y’know self care 🤷‍♀️ and all that! (Plus she chose to marry someone awful and not have kids so really it’s on her. Whatevs!)

You sound awful.

It may be a bit of a relief to your sister not to have to spend Christmas with you. You may not be as good as hiding your heartlessness and aversion to other people who are not your husband and children as you think.

I have spent some Christmases with extended family since the death of my mum. They are welcoming however and there isn't an undercurrent of 'I don't you here and am only acting out of duty'. But some years I just don't WANT to pretend and have stayed home and enjoyed a singleton Christmas getting up whenever I want, eating whenever I want, and watching whatever I want. Your sister might enjoy that, or she might not.

I think for her sake it's best she stops spending Christmas with a sister who doesn't want her there. I do think however THIS was not the Christmas for you to decide you don't want there any more. You sure how how to pick your moments.

Just to add a different perspective - I'm married with no kids by choice. My husband often works at Christmas, while I'm off. I have no family in the UK. I have spent several Christmases alone with the cat. It's the BEST THING EVER. There's nothing I look forward to more than waking up in a warm Crhistmasy home, putting on my Christmas jumper, having a hot cup of coffee while looking at the Christmas lights, and then snuggling on the sofa with the cat and a book or Netflix.

I would HATE to be invited anywhere and thankfully I have always managed to politely swerve the invites - it's easy as all I need to say is "oh I really don't like travelling at Christmas"

I just thought I'd add this not because it's necessarily relevant to you or your sister, but just my two cents that "lonely" Christmas for me is the best thing ever. I just thought I had to speak up for all those women who didn't have kids by choice - rest assured we do not hold our sisters accountable (?????) for our choices.

YANBU to not invite your sister if you don't want to.

There is nothing from stopping your sister cooking up a fabulous christmas dinner herself and inviting people round to hers.

Only on Mumsnet do people put no thought into Christmas until mid-December at the earliest!

(PS, it's 101 days until Christmas! )

Please do not excuse your shitty behaviour by saying you’re ND.

I hate when people do this like it’s a get out of jail free card.

If you were ND you’d probably be less of a bitch because you would want your sister to join in the celebration, rather than exclude her because of some weird control/jealousy issues.

I feel sorry for your sister, your DH and kids - basically everyone but you.

I understand this, but this sounds like the wrong year to make a point tbh.

You’ve made It her fault that you chose to have kids by making her take on the brunt of parental care.

she facilitated your last FOUR nuclear family Christmases by having them with your mum. Come on be better than this.

I really hope this is a wind up @NameChangedforThis3036. If it's not, I sincerely hope your DC are appalled by your callousness and insist that their aunt is not left alone at Christmas. If you were my mum, I'd be so disappointed in your attitude and it would definitely sour my view of you. Your DC have lost their grandmother too, don't forget – they might want their aunt with them on Christmas Day to help them with THEIR grief. Not everything is about you.

Sorry for your loss.

I understand that you feel like you can't manage it, but I think it's wrong to leave your sister on her own, grieving. How would you feel if you only family wasn't there for you in a time of need. How lonely to know that everyone else is celebrating Christmas with their loved ones and at the time when you need your loved ones the most, they've rejected you. It will damage your relationship.

Maybe just have a conversation with her. Ask her what she wanted to do for Christmas. Tell her you feel overwhelmed. See what happens.

This is so sad.

Your sister may have chosen not to have children but this is not something to be used and thrown back in her face. She took on so much caring for your DM, if she did have kids and didn't work from home then you would have had to step up a lot more.

This is not the year to be excluding your sister, you can still have a great time with your kids even if it is the last year you are all together.

Nothing in life is a given. I would give anything to see my sister this Christmas and she'd be very welcome with my DH and 2 kids but she died in July.

Absolutely perfect post to this rather unpleasant op

This ^

I think not inviting her show how little you think of her.