to not invite my sister for Christmas?

This thread is honestly very upsetting OP. I think your mindset here is incredibly selfish and cruel.

imagine in years time that your own children are in this situation? How would you like to think of one of your children being excluded and sitting alone on Christmas Day, effectively penalised for not having their own children? Surely you would think that as siblings they will always care for each other?

yes it is her decision to not have kids, a decision you say you support but then seem to berate. But I imagine she thought she had other family. Not only your parents, where it sounds like she has shouldered most of the burden, but her sister and her nieces and nephews. For you to take that away from her at the same time she has lost her mother is cruel.

Christmas is supposed to be about family, and yes sometimes that means some juggling and rushing around, but ultimately it should be about spending time with ALL that you care about, particularly in the wake of a loss of a parent. I assume you do care about your sister?

I also think it’s incredible that you would “ban” your child from spending Christmas with their partner. That is not your decision, they are an adult and capable of deciding where they want to spend Christmas. Perhaps they may prefer to spend Christmas with a family who care about each other and invite everyone to share the love?

You sound incredibly selfish from this post OP, I hope you do invite your sister, but from the way you speak of her I’m not sure you will or if she should even say yes.

Point to consider

You were able to have the last few Christmases with your family because of your sister She probably wanted to have a break from the responsibility of it too but hey ho , childless, what else was she going to do.

Youre all heart.

Her marriage may well be over because she prioritised "original" family too.

Plus one for this, I'm as ND as it comes and still spend all my time running around after other people's needs.

If you want to be an asshat, own it but don't blame it on us tribe.

FWIW OP @NameChangedforThis3036 , the first Christmas after my dad died, my mum (divorced from my dad for 15 years at this point) invited my step-mum for Christmas Day as she didn't want her to be alone. They'd never even spoken / met but my mum knew how tough it would be for her.

As for "self care" that is when you're trying to protect yourself from things / people who have a negative impact or are not good to be around. Your sister sounds lovely and you sound like a nasty piece of work.

I’m not going to offer an opinion as to whether you are terrible / justified in what you want to do for Christmas.
But please talk to your sister & don’t let this be a thing where she’s expecting an invite & there isn’t going to be one. I don’t think you should invite her if there’s a risk your feelings will be on show about it. She’s going through too much to have to put up with feeling unwelcome after spending £100s on train fares, hotel & gifts. There’s still time for her to find something lovely to do.

I would try & phrase it as kindly as possible & make it about you, not her. Instead of ‘I don’t want extras around f*cking up my Christmas’ I’d say ‘I’m feeling really anxious and overwhelmed about Christmas Day & am keeping that day just for DH & the kids but I’d really love if we could plan something special for week before, to do as sisters’ maybe see a show & have a meal, a spa, whatever you both might like doing. But you should do it. Kindly your sister has picked up 98% of the slack caring for your mum, her marriage is over, I’m not suggesting you are indebted to her but you should try to empathise & be grateful that her sacrifices absolved you from dealing with some real horrors. End of life care is abysmal. Driving up the motorway a handful of times while it sounds scary & stressful & upsetting, it doesn’t even touch the surface of what she’s dealt with. That’s not an attack on you but I hope you understand this deep down.

realistically your sister does know you. She has known you for what, around 45 years? She sees these nuances in your personality & half expects this I’d imagine. You haven’t got form for strong support or putting others first, I mean this kindly, it’s not an attack. Yes she may be upset but again she’s had 40+ years of knowing you & no doubt she loves you regardless. But to summarise I strongly suggest, speak to her early, suggest something else you can do with her, get in touch on Christmas Day, don’t let this blow up into something painful while you still have adequate time to manage it well.

And if it's not? You get your way and then next Sept you're really sure this one will be the last one. And then after that?
My ILs did this, oh this will probably be the last time we can travel, for 10 years. Bloody annoying but, y'know, family. It does matter.

Your sister needs you this year, more than ever. 2021-2024 you had as christmases alone, with just your family ( your sister had your mum).
I think you know what is the right thing to do here .. if you are happy to just say sod it , I do t care about my sister. Then fine do that , but it’s not what most people would do and yes you should feel guilty. Your choice

I'm sorry but on an otherwise depressing thread the phrasing of this made me laugh!

But I totally agree with you: ND and knobbishness are not somehow compulsory bedfellows.

I'm ND, don't really do Christmas, am looking after relatives as other people have more inflexible lives and kids. But even I'm staggered by this thread.

Have you actually asked her plans?

It does sound like you think she's feckless for not having DC and have that superiority thing that some women have about having had DC. Trust me, we do know the outcomes and results. It's very much swings and roundabouts. She may have wanted them and you're being very unkind to make assumptions.

It's all a bit me, me, me....either own your boundaries or suggest alternatives. But if I was your DS, I'd be giving you a very wide swerve...who wants to be an unwanted guest (been there, have tee shirt) at someone else's house for what is just another day of the year really, unless you're religious. She sounds well sorted and like she's got a properly interesting life that she's put mostly on hold to let you shirk your family responsibilities.

Have your sister and make her feel welcome because I think you will make yourself feel very sad if you don’t. You may not realise it now but I believe the guilt of leaving her alone on Christmas Day will eat away at you.

@NameChangedforThis3036the year my my mum died, neither of my brothers invited me over for Christmas (we were co-carers) and you know what? I did not care. I’d have rather shit on my hands and clap than ask for an invitation

If you do feel guilty and since you say your relationship with your sister is good, explain how you’re feeling. I suspect your sister is as exhausted as you are and would welcome the joy of having a Christmas Day that’s all about her - alone in her own home

Having been mostly single until my marriage seven years ago, I often had to lie about what I was doing on Christmas Day just to have the day to myself. It’s curious that the same people who were concerned about my solo Christmases never ever invited me to Sunday lunch!

TLDR: your sister will be fine 💐

I thought exactly the same. And I hope no-one starts the "don't be a doormat" shaming, because I think too many people have missed the point that so many of our society's MH issues stem from the fact that we have been led to believe it is somehow healthy to clip away at our lives until anything faintly awkward or demanding has been pruned off it and we are left with a leafless, fruitless, flowerless stump.

Agreed, what a downer of a thread. I wish I hadn't read it now.

SHE IS AN ADULT WHO CAN DO AS SHE PLEASES

Although presumably still living at home and OP is of the ‘under my roof you do as I say brigade’

I wouldn't want to be at your Christmas, with this attitude, a book in front of the fireplace with some music is much preferable to feeling like you're somewhere where you're not wanted

If you were to ask your children whether they think you should invite their auntie to stay for Christmas or leave her on her own, what would they say? If they say it's mean to leave her on her own, would you be willing to have her stay with you (even if in the office on a blow up mattress) if your adult children were to help with the hostessing, cooking etc.?

If all three say no, leave her on her own, then you have brought your children up to be selfish too.

I think this year is prob the kindest one you can invite your sister tbh, losing a parent so recently and at traditionally family time I would invite her. Sometimes we have to put others first. She may even say no anyway and would rather be alone and reflect.

This must be one of the most insensitive and heartless posts I’ve ever read on MN.
I can’t understand why you have posted because you just don’t want to see why people are appalled and instead you are doubling down on pretty pathetic whining excuses.
Hope you are never in this position yourself, but I suspect you will be one day as you can’t be a person your family will put up with forever.
Take a good look at yourself, be honourable, be kind and do the right thing.

Sorry OP, as many others have said, I do think you need to have you sister over. I do get how you feel, when my my mum died all I wanted was to have time with my immediate family and I'd never been close with my dad but the idea of him spending Christmas alone was unthinkable. It was a different Christmas and TBH I am not sure how much he enjoyed it (kids very young and energetic) but it was the right thing to do to invite him.

And do not pull the "I might be neurodivergent" card! I'm neurodivergent, but I'm not a knob.

That's mean. Christmas spirit?

Your eldest has just finished uni so what, 22? And you ‘won’t let her’ spend Christmas away from home? Exactly how do you expect to manage that when she’s an adult and can do as she pleases?

You really don't want her there, so don't invite her. For her sake incidentally, not yours, because she'd no doubt pick up on your resentment.

It's one day, out of 365, and I think your lack of kindness is quite breathtaking in it's meanness 😖 My kids would be horrified if I did something like this. The future is unwritten, and you never know the day when you might find yourself in the same predicament, desperate for one of your kids to invite you for Christmas.

I love this! Made me cry! With all the nastiness going on in the world and the encroaching nastiness on this forum it is wonderful to read something so lovely and to know that there are people like you in the world. Thank you.