to not invite my sister for Christmas?

So you've had five blissful Christmases while your sister has spent her Christmases with a woman who was collapsing, yelling, convulsing, all sorts so barely a Christmas at all. Do you picture them sitting around the table pulling crackers and laughing together, or is it more the reality that it was just another day to your sister?

Do you think the kids will care if you’re en famille or not? I doubt it. Don’t be selfish. Your sister might not even want to come! . Remember the spirit of Christmas!

I also dont understand the obsession with christmas, especially from atheists.

No idea if she is an atheist but she hasnt mentioned faith.

You do know it's just a day right. Its a day where people spend money on pointless presents and food for no reason at all other than it's christmas. There's an obsession for it to be perfect and to demand what you want im not sure why.

As a Christian I attend church services and volunteer. I like giving back to the community and being with the congregation and volunteering.

But for the OP it's just a toddler throwing her toys out of the pram. There were 6 other people (her mother, sister, 3 kids and husband) and the only person who matters is her.

I wonder how much "fun" the 4-5 Christmases your sister had where she was hosting your dementia-stricken mum alone. I wonder how much she wished that you would find a way to host/takeover for a year so she could actually enjoy Christmas, but didn't so you could spend that time with your kids? Sounds like you've had your way since 2020, unlike your poor sister! Maybe, just maybe, this is the year to support her however she needs it to show how much you appreciate the burden she carried to reduce your own load?

I usually try and reserve judgement but I’m sorry, you sound awful. You’ve spent the last five Christmases with ‘just your family’ while your sister spent it alone caring for your mum and now you want her to spend her first Christmas as an orphan alone?

Leaving aside your obvious disdain for her life choices around children it’s just a shitty thing to do. I have been your sister in this situation and I’m here to tell you it fucking sucks. But you enjoy your season of goodwill to all and celebrating togetherness. Self care my arse!

OP, you are getting a hard time and it does read as harsh of you.

However, as a much older woman I think this is not about this Christmas, but all the past holidays where you hosted and didn't want to.

Santa comes for few enough years and I have many friends who were hugely imposed upon by family and deeply resented it.

They wanted desperately to have Christmas day on their clock, at home, not a huge palaver when their children were small, catering for and running around after various relatives, some of whom they didn't care much for.
Or having to pack up and travel for hours to stay in different beds and all that involves with small children.

Then the Santa years are gone and suddenly their is a grief for them.

Thankfully I never had this but I definitely have heard the dread of friends hosting, having to travel, get dressed up to go somewhere, when they would rather be at home.

My husband never had a Christmas in his home, the family travelled for a huge gathering in his sisters.
He hated it. Too busy, too noisy, too much.
The first Christmas of our marriage at home together was his best Christmas.

When some people give too much, resentment grows.
It can be absolutely exhausting always ensuring other people have a nice day.

Sadly women are often the ones who get caught for this, and then their own children grow up and they feel absolutely robbed of their time.

I don't know what the answer is, but I do understand.

this. and so beautifully put.

If your sister split with her ex years ago, why do your children still not know about it? That's weird, and I suspect the withholding of the news has come more from you than their aunt, who you say that they love dearly.

But OP has had Christmas with her nuclear family for the previous five years while her sister hosted her mum with dementia. Her sister also did all the hands-on caring for their mum, moving in with her to deliver this care.

OP has shown no care or gratitude for what her sister has done for their mum and is happy to leave her on her own this Christmas.

I think that OP has spent most of her life 'looking after herself' while her sister took on the huge and difficult task of providing hands-on care to a mum with dementia. If anyone needs to 'look after themselves', it's her sister. I think her sister would feel better if she didn't attend Christmas with her toxic and selfish sister.

Christ you really sound worse and worse every time you post. Have you any moral compass at all. ?

What a bizarre statement! If your children do what you wanted to do and have Christmas with their partners and children only (which is what you have modelled for them to be the “ideal”) then you and husband would be having Christmas on your own, and if he dies first then it will be just you. I can’t understand how you don’t see the irony of this 🤷‍♀️
let’s just hope your children grow up to be kinder than you are.

This is the first time I would welcome the press picking up a MN thread. If your children or sister recognised you it would give them a chance to make alternative arrangements for Christmas, and all the Christmases following.

I am also thinking of how grim the sister's previous Xmas's must have been - alone with an elderly mother suffering from dementia.
Anyway this sounds like my family- and we are no longer in contact. My uncle is also very keen on 'personal choice' although with him it also sounds a bit like punishing people for life events they couldn't help.

My bet is she won't be invited because that's the system they have grown up with.

i have been invited to family for christmas eve, i wont be able to drink due to driving and in fact i might have to taxi the family around with more than one journey. <<car too small>>
i will have to forego my own glass of wine, so what?

OP I AM neurodiverse (diagnosed), I hate Christmas and have never hosted it in my life and also have pretty low empathy.

I think you’re horrifically, shockingly selfish and nasty. The time to put your foot down and not host Christmas was 20 years ago, it’s no one else’s fault that you were a martyr and had years of Christmases you didn’t want. But even if that had been the case and you’d never hosted, this is the year any decent person would make an exception and have your sister over.

Why such barbed comments about her not having kids? Do you understand the notions of family and community extend beyond one’s children? I can only hope your kids follow in your footsteps and decide they never want to spend Christmas with you again. If I was one of them and I knew you were thinking this, I’d be horrified to have such nasty mother.

you have forgotten the meaning of christmas op, it is not actually about being able to have alcohol
i suggest you may well be persuaded to change your mind by this thread

I’m not really sure how having your sister, one person, that your children love, counts as ‘hosting’. It’s just one extra person. She sounds like the kind of person who will fit in with what’s going on and not be difficult. Or do you have everything controlled and planned to the nth degree and her presence will mess with that? You are setting a terrible example to your children if you exclude her this of all years. I know it’s a cliche but it is meant to be the season of giving. How could you even enjoy the day knowing that she is on her own, or with people who aren’t her family? Her choosing not to have children is not a reason not to have her - you’re really grasping at straws there!

Take it from someone who lost a parent to early onset Alzheimer’s, going to appointments and being worried doesn’t come close to what your sister must have gone through. I don’t understand why you are so worried about Christmas pressure, if you host surely you choose? 5 course meal? Don’t do it! Decorating the entire house? Not this year! Can’t taking it easy be your self care?

It's not the same at all. The OP has said her sister did most of the care and they all get on.

I have been with my partner 18 years. Out of those 18 years (1st ones) only 2 spent with just the two of us. When he lost his mum, we went to his dads all day and evening so he didn't spend Xmas alone, and occasionally he would come to us though he preferred to be at his own home. He was grumpy, bless, didn't really like Christmas but he did like the games of crib in the eve. In all honesty, I found Xmas a chore and while not hating it, it was a chore. We lost him this year and to be honest, as much as I know it will be easier not to do all the cooking and I plan to chill big time, I'd give anything to have him here still for at least one more Christmas. It's going to be hard without him. Please don't leave your sis out of arrangements.

I feel sorry for the op's kids, it all sounds so very intense this 'only us' mindset.

We can only imagine what kind of a future mil the op will be at Christmas.

I’m probably the only person here who gets what you are saying having gone through a very similar year.

Thankfully the family member booked herself into some Christmas event abroad and mentioned it before the topic even came up.

We would not have been able to have her anyway as her behaviour towards my DH is absolutely appalling so we have put in very rigid boundaries with her. She wasn’t particularly involved in the care aspect herself because she lives away but that presented its own difficulties because she had very unrealistic expectations about everything.

I hear you @NameChangedforThis3036 about the exhaustion of it all. It is so hard a time. Hopefully your Christmas will go off smoothly and you will get to do big chunks of what works for you.

Why do you desperately need it to just be the 5 of you so much? How will a loving sister/auntie being there spoil things for you?

I know you said it might be the last year all the kids are there, but they’ll still all be there whether your sister comes or not. I genuinely don’t understand the desperate need to exclude her.

I think she needs you this year and you should consider that.

God your selfish and that’s being polite