to not invite my sister for Christmas?

Until they each decide they want Christmas with their own little family.

I say this kindly...
You can't do this to her OP, it's that simple.
Next year do the heck what you want to do but not this year. You've had everyone already giving you good reasons as to why not and you simply and bluntly can't do this.
If you do need more reasons as to why not then I'd ask you to open up to your kids and tell them she is seperated and likely to be alone at Christmas and then ask them what they would like to do on the day regarding her being there or not. I guarantee they will be appalled if you said you didn't want her there. The day isn't yours alone to decide so ask them what they would want to do too?

Not saying my teens are perfect but in this situation they would have something to say about aunt being left on her own. Aren’t you concerned they would judge you? I have an uncle who is on his own and a real introvert sometimes he chooses to come sometimes he doesn’t. The teens fret when he doesn’t as to whether he is ok.

Edited to add - Just for info for anyone who gets confused by the 2 neuro terms:

I'm autistic and have ADHD and dyscalculia (all diagnosed by NHS psychiatrists) - many of us use the term neurodivergent - which has a different meaning to neurodiverse.

Everyone is neurodiverse, some of us are neurodivergent

Anyway, back to the thread...

You can choose the other if you made a mistake!

This!! This thread has made me feel really angry. I have cancer, my living parents are alone 150 miles away. As soon as the next fucking chemo is done, I’m getting on a train to see them.

I mistakenly chose you are not! It seems you've already made up your mind not to invite her but then want a bunch of strangers to tell you it's OK.

It's not but no one can force you so do what you like

Reading this thread has made me so, SO grateful that I have such a lovely family. There isn't a single person in mine or DHs family who would allow someone to spend Christmas alone purely because they only wanted their "nuclear" family there. In fact everyone goes out of their way to make sure nobody is on their own (unless they want to be of course!) no matter how inconvenient it is to host them / drive them home / have them stay over.

Especially a sibling who has done absolutely nothing wrong and spent the last few years caring for your dying parent and now essentially has nobody.

You bang on about how much you hate hosting OP but you are "hosting" for 5 already.

So unbelievably fucking selfish.

Self care my arse.

You sound like an utter arsehole OP.

I'm so sorry, @Elclr, that's heartbreaking.

Isn't it strange how your brain can tell you you're a "failure" in a situation like that when actually you were one of the people keeping vital services going? I hope you have had much happier times since and will again this year.

I am the sibling with no children, because life hasn't worked that way for me. I am also the sibling that spent two Christmases alone during COVID for various reasons. Being single, family having bubbles elsewhere, some living overseas etc and the fact I was a 'key worker' and had to work.

I wrapped my own presents to open and put them under the tree. Bought a Christmas dinner for one, and bought my cats special Christmas cat food....and I'm genuinely crying now at the memory of it. I have never felt more alone or sadder in my life, and remember this was because my family couldn't see me. Not that they wouldn't.

I felt a failure on those days.

I think after all your sister has done for your Mum, taken the brunt of the caring. Maybe you can put aside your wishes for one day and not let your sister feel like I did then.

@NameChangedforThis3036 i know you said your sister chose to be childfree which is fair enough but she obviously does want company as she married which unfortunately ended in divorce leaving her alone. So she did want a family unit and after everything she has been through she probably was on some level looking forward to being with her remaining family. Even religious people feel the absence of other humans OP.

Bottom line is your sister chose to be childfree - not wholly family free. That’s a choice you are making for her.

Absolutely this. My husband's sister has a similar attitude, she prioritised her husband and kids both times when her mother and father were declining and eventually dying, leaving the bulk of caring and organising to my husband (unusual for it to fall to the son, I know), even though she lived much closer to them than we did.

We forgave her the first time as her kids were younger, but second time round they were all adults and we were in a really difficult situation at the time with our own and could ill afford the additional commitments, and yet she still failed to step up at all. As a result my husband has little time for her now and will likely not see her for years at a time, which is a shame.

Some people are just selfish.

Self-care and boundaries are not synonyms for selfishness OP. Your sister has looked after your mum for several years, allowing you to do the bare minimum, prioritise your husband and kids, and to have five years of "just you" for Christmas. You would be extraordinarily selfish to leave her alone this Christmas, when your mum's death is likely to have had a much bigger impact on her than you, given her much closer involvement, and her impending divorce.

And please don't use possible ND as an excuse, my DD is autistic and she'd be the first to worry about someone being alone at Christmas. Autistic women and girls are often too empathetic, rather than unempathetic.

Invite your sister.

How about a compromise this year of going out for Christmas lunch l?

You must have missed the bit about the sister living 100 miles away. Since she’s dependent on public transport & trains don’t run on Christmas Day or Boxing Day, the shortest time she could be in the OP’s area is from Christmas Eve to the 27th.

That’s an awful lot of trouble to go to for lunch with a grudging sibling.

I had some sympathy until l realised it wouldn't be the first time it was just the 4 of you, it would be 4-5 years into it

How about a compromise this year of going out for Christmas lunch l? That way the donkey work isn't on you and your sister isn't on her own. Oh and she can deal with her own transport. I don't see why she can't drive to your house and then between there / the hotel. Failing that l would offer a lift back late afternoon before having a drink, she can either get the lift, walk or get a cab / uber back to the hotel. As a guest l am always self sufficient and don't see why she can't be

Going forward strategically l wouldn't let it slip into a thing you always host. Personally I am declining point blank this year

Oh and it's not your place to forbid your daughter from spending Christmas with her partner. That would be her choice

Sorry for your loss

Would being neurodivergent permit her to dump her mother on her sister for years and ban her sister from christmas straight after her mother's death?

It's insulting to suggest anyone who is neurodivergent would do that.

Also, neurodiversity, isn't a diagnosis. It's normally what people say when they want to self diagnose with autism.

You have no shame, you are not neurodivergent you are unfeeling and selfish, shame on you for bringing people who are into this.

You had it easy, your sister did all the caring and you got out if it. You are controlling as well. I will not let my daughter go to her boyfriends, she knows she is expected here.

It's all about you OP, you disgust me. You would see your lovely grieving sister home alone knowing she done all the caring you could not do, as it was traumatic.

I really hope this is not true, as you come across as a despicable human being. Me, me, me. I hope this lovely sister see's through you.

You did very little, but if there is a will and your Mother had a estate, I bet you will be the first holding your hands out.

So why are you lamenting 'It's just that I've had very few Xmases being just us'?

You had all those years 'just us'.

I actually think you shouldn't have your sister for Xmas. She needs to realise what sort of person you are and cut you out of her life.

Ah, missed that. Apologies.
Well is OPs sister is not wanted, I hope she goes somewhere where can relax a little.

You say you wonder what you've become?

I can answer that for you...a cold, heartless bitch.

OP, I wonder is this about grief and your sense of shame re the sacrifices your sister has made for your mother versus what you have done. To not be able to have her for Christmas Day this year will impact your relationship with her for many years to come so think carefully about that. A boundaried response might be: please come by xx time and organise your own taxi anytime after xxx. Please stop using neurodivergence as some kind of veil for selfishness.

Wow. Let’s hope your kids don’t do to you what you are doing to her

How would you feel if you lost your husband and your kids all said sorry we are doing Christmas on our own,you are not invited?

Could you really enjoy Christmas knowing you have left your sister in her own! You are family, although you sound very harsh about your sisters choices. Perhaps she actually didn’t want children because she knew her ex would not be a good father and then didn’t meet anyone else

She did more of the work looking after your parents and you are telling her she’s not worthy of one day with what’s left of her family

Maybe your sister could just stay for a few hours?

You must have missed the bit about the sister living 100 miles away & not driving. Since trains don’t run on Christmas Day or Boxing Day, the shortest time she could be in the OP’s area is from Christmas Eve to the 27th.

That’s an awful lot of trouble to go to for a few hours with a grudging sibling.

And you sound bloody controlling OP!
Forbidding your adult DD from spending time at Christmas with her partner. She’s an ADULT!!

Be careful, those cosy “ nuclear family” Christmas’s could be limited.