to not invite my sister for Christmas?

My mother also has three children. Her two sane ones are away. The third one is an alcoholic with mental health issues so may or may not spend Christmas with her. Don’t assume you won’t be alone just because you have three kids.

YABVU. She’s one person. Invite her for Xmas and do NY on your own if you want. But you are so wrong to not invite her.

Every time there's a post on here of someone saying "I must have another baby, my child needs a sibling!" I'll be thinking of OP. Really? Who needs a sibling like this?

Is OP's sister obnoxious? Is she selfish and uncaring? Does she scare the kids? Does she act outrageously and spoil every special day, or get blind drunk and insult the vicar and kick kittens? Nope, she's nice. The "kids" (who are adults or almost adults, not pre-teens!) love her. No history of being a total cow and looked after their ailing mother, spending many Christmases on the trot with elderly mother suffering from dementia, so actually thoughtful, considerate and kind.

And OP won't invite her, because she wants yet another Christmas just themselves. Words fail me (except they don't but I'm too polite). I really hope OP's sis has some good friends who will realise that she'll be alone over Christmas and invite her to join them.

OP's sister sounds like she may be quite a kind and loving person. OP has also confirmed that she is a much loved aunt to OP's DC. If her sister wants to maintain a relationship with the children she may decide that she has to keep the OP in her life, unfortunately.

Thanks, @thepariscrimefiles. I’d originally meant had her sister ever hosted the OP, but then I saw that the OP wouldn’t go if she offered anyway….my sympathy towards the OP has def. waned.

Personally could never do that to my sister. I think you will regret it if you leave her alone this year.

@ilovesooty Tbh it might be best if they end up Iow contact as it doesn’t sound as if they’re particularly close now. I don’t suppose that her sister is especially fond of the OP, and the OP certainly isn’t fond of her.

This exactly!

She’s not “just being honest”. She’s being deeply selfish and extremely short-sighted. In fact I doubt she’s even being honest. Her sister’s account of the last few years would I’m sure be heartbreaking.

I didn't want children either and live this distance from my sister. I went to my widowed mother for Christmas every year after my divorce. My sister might invite us for the evening.
When our mother was taken into care I travelled, paid for a hotel and spent the day with my mother in the care home while my sister spent the day with her family. One year I put it to my sister that I was considering going away to Amsterdam for Christmas, and asked her if she minded. She replied "You might as well. It's not as if you've got anywhere else to go".

My mother died in 2016. I've never had an invitation from my sister. That's one of the reasons we're in very low contact now. You might find your sister has less and less need of you as the years pass. Your children might leave home. You might be widowed. And your sister might feel there's no place in her life for you.

A voucher for Christmas in a very nice hotel might be more welcomed by the sister. (Paid for by the money that she will have saved the family in care fees which will be huge.)

Given that she doesn’t have kids, Dsis would have been well within her rights and ‘self-care’ to bugger off abroad and leave OP to care for ailing parents.

It sounds like she’s a journalist with plenty of opportunities

I think you’re being very selfish and your sister will be incredibly hurt. One day your DC will be adults with their own families and may well not want you to be with them at Christmas. How will that make you feel?

Personal responsibility? Bloody hell OP.

OP's poor sister had their mother with dementia at Christmas every year. There would have been some sad and difficult Christmases there for her while OP was being completely shielded from this aspect of their mother's illness.

OP should be saying thank you, pouring her sister champagne and putting a blow up bed in their office this year. The kids have grown up, it's time to accept this and focus on what is actually important.

This. I feel the OP is desperately grasping at straws to justify her (incompassionate) decision.

😁

OP are you the type of colleague who thinks single people shouldn't get holidays off because they have no family? 🙄

Despite your loss it's difficult to be sympathetic about this at all because this is another selfish choices after a long line of selfish choices. And you try to hide it in therapy speak. Do you ever put anyone else first/consider their feelings? Your kids like their aunt and your only negative comment about her is that she is child free. Why is it so hard for you to see the bigger picture?

If she's not invited at least do her the kindness of letting her know asap so she can make other plans.

and you think you're "completely and utterly shattered"? From doing a few appointments? Wow.

You need to get your story straight. Either your kids are young and still need you which is why she apparently had more time to do so much more caring for your mother than you, or they're old enough for this to be your last chance at a 'nuclear family Christmas' (apart from the last FIVE YEARS you've done this).

Given the fact they are all uni age, sounds like the first isn't a go-er, which makes it even worse than you left her to do so much of the caring and still have the cheek to say how exhausted you are.

I would say you do you OP and just hope your sister is a nicer person than you and there for you in your time of need - but she's actually already done that by doing the lion's share of caring for your mother, and you can't even be bothered to put yourself out the tiniest bit in gratitude for that?

So agree with this

I certainly have. I've since met the love of my life, we're getting married next year and we've just booked our hotel for Christmas seeing our families.

I'd never want anyone to feel like I did those years.

The poor girl. You are curtailing her freedom to a very large extent. That is her choice as an adult. My mother 50 years ago let me go to a boyfriends for Christmas Day. Talk about controlling mother. I would have been furious if my mother had told me what to do once I got back from uni. Smacks of smothering.

I do think that if you tell her she can't come, you need to be prepared for her being very upset and hurt, and for your relationship to suffer as a result.

The sister will know exactly who she's dealing with by now, @Clementine183. After all, she's been through the illness and death of her mother with OP looking on and presumably acting as she is in this thread. I doubt OP could hurt her sister further, or at the very least it will come as no surprise.

If she did the care for your mother and has no one else then i think it’s cruel to knowingly leave her on her own. I would scale down plans and let her know that the years taken its toll so planning a quiet christmas simple dinner or ask her to bring something towards it or if everyone can afford it consider going out to eat. For all you know she may not be up to celebrating at all so maybe have a conversation and find out what everyone’s expectations are.

It's quite difficult to understand why the presence of one extra close family member would throw the dynamic at Christmas out quite so dramatically. Sorry to say OP but you do sound very self-centred and insular here. I get that you would prefer to spend Christmas with just your husband and kids, but from everything you've written I don't get any sense that your sister would cause a scene, make things difficult, get in the way... will it really make that much difference?

I do think that if you tell her she can't come, you need to be prepared for her being very upset and hurt, and for your relationship to suffer as a result. If having Christmas with just the five of you feels worth that, then I guess that's what you'll so, but it's hard to imagine how it could do. If you would really find having her over on Christmas Day devastating, why not arrange a separate special family meal for the five of you on Christmas Eve, Boxing Day, the 27th... whenever really.

@keepincool And, to be fair, the OP is actually just plain old selfish, which requires no diagnosis.