to not invite my sister for Christmas?

Well which is it? You’ve had Christmases with just your family for the last few years or you’ve hardly ever had Christmases with just your family?

Either way, suck it up. To not invite your sister this year would be awful. You can tell her it will be lowkey and everyone will need to muck in. You can even say that if she wants to make other plans, you’ll understand. But if you leave her out, you will be acting in an incredibly selfish unkind way that shows your children you think it’s fine to cut people out of your life for no good reason,

Surely that's exactly what will happen if your kids take the same approach as you and decide they prefer the family they have created to their "original family".

Fuck me this is unpleasant. Your sister did the bulk of caring for your parents so you didn't have to, now you're dropping her like a stone. Just nasty and selfish.

I’m trying, but I really can’t understand your perspective op. Your sister is one person. Unless she has some awful overbearing personality, how can one person impact your Christmas so much that you would rather leave a grieving sibling alone for Christmas? You’ve had those nuclear Christmases for years BECAUSE your sister cared for your mother all those years. If you don’t want to be driving to a hotel, buy a blow up mattress and make a bit of space in your study or even one of the kids floors, or ask two of your kids to share. I don’t like hosting either, but you don’t have to do anything different. So what she didn’t choose to have kids? What if she had wanted them but had been unable? This is just so cruel

I find it really strange how much emphasis you're putting on this being the last Christmas with your husband and kids... who cares honestly. It's a bit wierd how sentimental you're being. It's your only sister ffs, who might be really struggling after picking up the lionshare of your mothers care so you didn't have to. Your sister who has made your life much easier for you.

I can't actually believe how cruel you are. Have you asked the kids if they'd like to see their aunty or is it all about you?

OP, you said you weren’t holding the fact that she chose not to have kids against her. This is exactly what you are doing.

The OP won’t see anything during that look at herself, she obviously has a one-way mirror.

Her poor sister, such a cruel way to act towards her. And the fact she has no children is TOTALLY IRRELEVANT.

Yes, she has friends and a community, but she left them for months at a time to help Mum

So your sister neglected her friendships and connections to do the bulk of the caring for your mum, presumably taking the burden from you? And you don't want to invite her for the first Christmas she'll be alone?

Where is your decency and compassion FFS?

I have to say I can't help wondering if its a reverse as, overall, she makes the Dis' case better than hers.

But, assuming it isn't, I don't think, op you are horrible or any of these other things. There have been some very insulting posts on here. I don't think you'd have posted if you didn't care at all.

I just think you need to be honest with yourself about which choice is really going to make you feel worse in the long run - and everybody else.

You don’t like the expectations put on you at Christmas, yet have no issue with putting expectations on your children?

Probably HORRENDOUS for your poor sister as well.
Cannot believe how selfish you are being.And " not allowing" your eldest to see her partner.
Stupid me thinking Christmas is about peace and love.

Self-care and boundaries are not synonyms for selfishness OP.

These are some of the best words I have seen on MN for a while.

I think that as a society we are getting very selfish under cover of exactly these sorts of "acceptable" labels.

It is absolutely important that we are able to stand our ground where people are really taking advantage of us or abuse is involved etc, but there is a point where it shades into simply putting ourselves first all the time - and then patting ourselves on the back for it. Then we all wonder why the world seems to have so many lonely, isolated people.

And while I agree that the DD is technically old enough to decide where she goes for Christmas, I suspect what has really happened is less that she has allowed op to say she "can't" go elsewhere, and more that she has realised this year the op might need the support. Let's hope so.

But on that basis, I really think the op needs to wonder similarly about her Dsis: might this be a year in which her needs and feelings deserve some consideration?

Op you say you wonder what you have become, but you haven't "become" anything. We are all evolving every day. It's our choices that direct us.

I don't fully grasp why you don't want her with you for the day. She sounds low maintenance enough, your dc like her, you don't dislike each other. I can't really see what you are guarding against. By your own admission you have had some "blissful" Christmases - but I do have to say the amount of overthinking that seems to go into Christmas on MN threads is alarming to me. When did it move from a day of being with family (or surrogate family in some instances) to a day of having everything exactly as we want it?

What do you think is the right thing to do op? And why?

I could never sit and enjoy the day, knowing my sister was home alone.

This can't be real

How wonderful 💖

OP I willingly spent Christmas Day by myself last year but a few years ago I was faced with a dilemma of where to spend Christmas Day when my usual plans fell through - long story but me and the siblings used to go to my Dad's but that year we couldn't.

I arranged to spend the day with my sister and was looking forward to it only for her to turn around and say our other sister (who had a husband and a kid, we were both single and childless) had invited her round and she'd forgotten. I asked if I could join them and was told no, there wouldn't be enough room for us all to have dinner.

If I'd had to sit perched with dinner on my lap I would've put up with it but no solution was offered, just 'sorry, no room'. And tbh although I never said anything I've never quite forgiven them for that.

I know a lady who is in her late 50’s. She has 3 children who are all grown up now. One of them lives abroad in a far flung place and doesn’t come home for Christmas often, one prefers to spend Christmas with their own young family and the other works all Christmas every year as they have no children and have a high flying job. Her and her husband spent Christmas together either at home or on holiday until he left her for another woman. She now gets invited to her sisters house with her family. The sister is married with one child who lives in the area and they spend Christmas together.

It can and does happen for all sorts of reasons.

Yes, I'm sure that will be coming.

My partner is ND. When my mum died i missed her so much. He invited me to spend it with his parents on boxing day so I could feel part of a family. He also got all his family to send me cards in the post and he gave them my address.

It has nothing to do with being ND, it's insulting to say ND people lack emotion.

Edit he spent Xmas day with me alone and invited me to the family party on boxing day.

Well exactly- maybe they will heed OPs advice about spending Christmas with nuclear family even if it means leaving a loved one alone over Christmas.

Her kids are adults and she doesn't mention having a job. She didnt look after her mother either.

Im struggling to understand why she is wiped out with stress.

You sound quite unpleasant actually. You’re wiped out with it all but she did the majority of care. She sounds better off without you.

Do you genuinely think you are never going to be alone at Christmas??? Your child has a partner already! The kids will have their own families In due course. Your husband might die and you will be all alone. Sad thought eh OP?

I’m so sorry about your sister. My sister died suddenly 30 years ago aged 27. I was 28. I still think about her and miss her all the time. Because of this I find it doubly hard to understand how anyone could have this cold attitude towards their sibling. Especially as she has admitted that they get along. No backstory of a horrible relationship or anything.

I had my mum every Christmas after my dad died. As her dementia progressed, I used to feel a bit resentful that it fell to me every year (my brother lives in another country.) She would get confused and tearful and didn’t want to go home. Yet she didn’t like staying over! When I did get her home I had to stay with her for a couple of hours until she felt more settled. It was a right royal pain in the arse. I would have liked to have a drink or two and not be worrying about picking my mum up and dropping her home. But I did it because I loved her and didn’t want her to be alone. Even though she didn’t even realise it was Christmas the last few years. You do those things for people you love. Even if it’s inconvenient. Have a bit of mutter to yourself by all means. But then you take a deep breath and remember that the world is made up of more than just you.

In any case you posted on AIBU. YABU. You have your answer