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Original poster

To ask school if DS can have his phone in class?

116 replies

Bigon · 14/09/2025 20:35

I'm sure you must think I'm U from the title alone but let me explain..

DS is 14, he's had a colostomy about 14 months ago, he had bowel issues since birth really and has a chronic bowel condition missed a lot of school but since the colostomy it has given him a better quality of life, though he still has flare ups a lot which cause a lot of pain and output and just exhausation, all he does when at home is lay down. They're worse when he's anxious but also happen randomly. He tries his best to get himself into school but it doesn't always happen.

He's confident at changing the bag at home because he can take all the time he needs but when out in public or at school he is less so. I usually help him when we're in public because once he's stressed, he rushes and gets worked up. He doesn't have an EHCP but school have given him a toilet pass, but he still panics at school about changing it and obviously staff can't help and I wouldn't expect them to and he wouldn't want that, I think he'd find it embarrassing.

He had a lot of time off last year due to the flare ups, and times where he was sent home because of the pain. He's just started year 10 so he's really trying this year.

Anyway, on Thursday he was in the middle of a flare up but he forced himself to go in, he came home and told me in one of the lessons he had a supply. He admitted he had been talking and the supply had written his name on the board as a warning, but about halfway through the lesson he asked the teacher if he could go to the toilet. The teacher said no and DS explained he had a pass and showed him, he still said no and told him to wait until the end of the lesson. In the end he did let DS go, he had to change his bag and he took longer than usual because as I said he tries to rush but it has the opposite effect where he gets worked up and takes longer. He also said his stomach was really hurting so he had to sit down for a while. He missed half the lesson and when he went back it was almost time for the next one, the teacher “had a go” at him and accused him of messing around and gave him a detention for Friday.

Friday, he didn't go in because dragging him through Thursday took it out of him, he even missed football training so he wasn't lying. I tried to call the school and get the detention removed, and we had evidence he wasn't just messing around as he'd been to the medical office as his supplies are kept there. School didn't get back to me.

He didn't have his phone as they put them in pouches but I was thinking of asking so if he needed to change it, he could message me and I could go in and help him. He's usually fine with not needing to change it during the school day but when he's in a flare up, its unavoidable. He's still in the flare up but was well enough to actually play football today (we were told to try and encourage this, even if he isn't well enough for school) so he's going to try and go but he's already anxious.

This is the first year of the phones in pouches, last year he would message me if he felt unwell (but felt too embarrassed to tell his teacher) and i’d phone the school and medical would check him over (or send him home which happened often).

Would this be unreasonable? Or should we just let this go and he can change it himself and take the detention?

OP posts:
Simonjt · 14/09/2025 23:08

Grammarnut · 14/09/2025 21:53

The supply teacher should have been told that OP's son must go to the toilet on request because of having a colostomy. It's quite outrageous that the school did not do this when they knew the supply would take OP's DS's class.

Show quote history

The issue is the person arranging cover simply can’t look at every class being covered that day and cross reference each childs medical needs, plus they would need to verbally tell the supply who of course won’t remember.

He needs an IHP, as that would also cover a general cover action plan e.g all children with x card must be able to do x, y and z.

sosorryimnotsorry · 14/09/2025 23:08

Would getting one of the teachers either his PE teacher who it sounds like he trust or his HOY to tell him that it’s ok for him to just walk out of class if he is ever refused to leave in future. It’s one thing a parent telling him to do it but it may have more weight and authority to him if it is a member of the teaching staff saying it directly to him.
Also I would suggest asking the school to put a plan I place for this scenario again. So he walks out of class (without the teachers permission), he goes and deals with changing the bag and then maybe the nurse accompanies back to class and asks to speak to the teacher in question. Or a message gets sent to the HOY to speak to or email the teacher in question. Something needs to be put in place that both verifies and backs up what your DS says to the teacher. Something needs to be put in place so that he is never put in this position again.

jbm16 · 14/09/2025 22:55

He doesn't need a phone, but should have teacher, nurse or someone for support that could contact you if necessary, and deal with the situations you describe above so they don't happen again.

Kirbert2 · 14/09/2025 22:51

My son had an ileostomy (small bowel rather than large bowel) for 9 months, he's since had a reversal because it actually made things worse for him but he is still bowel incontinent and needs to be changed at school multiple times a day.

He does have a EHCP but he has several things going on. Your son should definitely have some type of document even if it isn't a EHCP due to his needs and school need to make all staff aware, even supply staff.

My son has just started Year 5 so he's still at primary school. High school makes me nervous!

Best wishes to your son, it's so difficult.

Teaxberspet · 14/09/2025 22:43

Your son sounds amazing. My husband had a colostomy bag fitted 5 years ago and he is still not comfortable changing in public as a 60 year old man, let alone a 14 year old boy. The strain on my husbands mental health with this change has been massive- I can’t imagine what it has done to your son. The school must put in place procedures for him to make him comfortable and confident. You need to speak to the headteacher. Sorry you are all going through this, I know what it’s like to be on sidelines supporting

deedeemegadoodoo · 14/09/2025 22:42

A couple of points…

he shouldn’t need any extra information, laminated, letters, additional passes etc. The toilet pass should be enough (we only issue them for diagnosed medical conditions at my school).
You should also ask the school to refer him for counselling to help him cope with his condition.

He”s been dealt a difficult hand and he needs all the support he can get.

LillyPJ · 14/09/2025 22:38

Wouldn't it be better if he had an official note he could show to any staff who didn't know his circumstances to say that he should always be allowed to go to the toilet if he asked and that he may be out of class for some time? That way, he'd not feel under pressure and shouldn't need you to go in and help either. I don't think having his phone with him is necessary. If he really does need to phone, he could use the note to leave class and then use the school phone.

Crispynoodle · 14/09/2025 22:37

They 💯 need to make reasonable adjustments for him blimey it’s hard enough at his age. Take this matter up with the head teacher the onus was on them to make sure the supply teacher knew

AbzMoz · 14/09/2025 22:37

You need to reset expectations with the school and what a toilet pass means eg he can leave any lesson without needing to explain himself.
you’ve mentioned anxiety several times: some of this is normal with a child returning to school after absences or having a different roster of teachers. As a year 10 student I kindly wonder if ds is capable of taking on more responsibly for his own body, and if doing so would make him more confident vs you always being there? Can he practice to do those changes he needs? In public spaces and unfamiliar bathrooms too?

MinnieMou5e · 14/09/2025 22:35

Poor kid.
The detention needs removing and I don’t know what the answer is but he needs more than what the school are doing now.

EHCP?

TheUnusuallyQuerulentMxLauraBrown · 14/09/2025 22:33

You need to get that IHP in place - it’s a scandal that school haven’t already done it (both you and your son should be involved in drafting it).

Inyournewdress · 14/09/2025 22:33

No advice but I am absolutely outraged and upset on behalf of you and your son. The school are massively at fault.

ClairDeLaLune · 14/09/2025 22:29

Thelnebriati · 14/09/2025 20:39

I thought from your thread title that you were being That Parent, but your DS being refused permission to go to the toilet when he has a colostomy bag is appalling, and the school aren't dealing with it.

IMO the school are discriminating against your son on the basis of disability, and I'd be escalating to a formal complaint. Plus I'd want an assurance he'd be able to go to the toilet when needed.

This ⬆️

The school is in breach of the disability legislation and behaving illegally by not making reasonable adjustments for his condition. I had a similar situation with my daughter and I complained and got a detention taken away. When I pointed out to the school how and why they were in the wrong they realised and backed down immediately.

There is absolutely no way I would allow the detention to go ahead for your son, it’s really wrong. I think you need to go into the school and sit down with your son and whoever is in charge of student welfare and work out a robust plan. I’m not sure whether it would involve his phone, but this situation must never be allowed to happen again.

Your poor son, as if he hasn’t got enough to deal with having this condition at his age. The school should be absolutely ashamed of themselves.

MidlandsWoman · 14/09/2025 22:27

My DS is allowed to have a phone in school for medical reasons, but I'm not sure it would help in your DS's case, OP. Appalling that he has been treated the way he has, but it sounds like there needs to be a better plan in place for him so that he can get on with changing the colostomy bag when he needs to (also build in the plan that he might need longer out of the lessons so that he can get organised which might lower his stress level over this). The phone might be useful if you think he might need advice, but I don't think your going in would be allowed (in most cases).

housebrick · 14/09/2025 22:27

Having his phone isn’t the answer here. It’s also most unlikely that you’d be allowed in to help - nor would he really want that.

You do need to go in and see his head of year/house/form tutor. I was the latter and would be aghast if I heard a story like this about one of my form. Apart from apologising I’d be off to see the teacher concerned.

In my last school a boy had similar (+ other serious medical) problems. The school converted a room into a sickbay/toilet for him. (Others could have used it but at the time he was the only one who needed it.) You could suggest this.

Also, on the toilet pass, ‘any problems please see mr. Housebrick’ rather than just a regular pass. Or ‘I may be a while’ (but worded better)

all the best.

Original poster
Bigon · 14/09/2025 22:27

I have told him to walk out if this happens again but it's tricky, he's not the type of child to argue back and if he walked out he’d worry about the consequences. My eldest 100% would've walked out if he was in DS2’s shoes but DS2 is definitely a worrier

OP posts:
User1839474 · 14/09/2025 22:26

RunAwayNow · 14/09/2025 20:51

Definitely make a complaint to the school. But you going in to help him isn't a sustainable solution, so he needs an EHCP.

An EHCP isn’t appropriate, as I’m sure the OP knows, unless the student also has education needs. For a medical condition on its own an individual health care plan is what’s needed and I’m sure he’ll already have one. Supply teachers are supposed to be given details about any children with IHP’s or EHCP’s in class. So school need to explain what went wrong and make sure it never happens again poor lad.

Original poster
Bigon · 14/09/2025 22:22

The school haven't offered a healthcare plan or anything in writing. After the op he was allowed on a reduced timetable (he also really needed it whilst he recovered), he keeps his supplies in school in the medical room and he's allowed to use the accessible toilet which is nearby. The toilet pass has never been an issue before now, as I said most the teachers from last year told him to just go, he didn't need to show it them everytime as they knew.

To the poster asking if there's a teacher he can go to, he's close to his PE teacher and usually goes to him if he's worried about anything but he's a teacher himself so he's teaching when DS is in a lesson. He does check in with DS in the mornings though, his head of year's change every year so he doesn't get chance to build a relationship with them which is a shame.

We were advised to apply for an EHCP as there's other things as well not just this

He is generally good at changing the bag himself, at
Home he's great as he can go at his own pace etc. But out in public or school he does feel under pressure and tries to rush which doesn't help! I usually go in with him when we're out in public and he is happy with this, I don't really help him much I usually tell him to slow down.

It's not even just this I'm worried about though, it's if he's in pain and needs to tell me, as he's not comfortable telling his class teacher in front of the class or even asking them if they can talk outside (which isn't always possible as they're teaching) so he'd message me and i’d call the school though as I said in PP, communication was terrible

I'm definitely going to phone the school though and complain as he's now stressed for many different reasons and he shouldn't be, he's entitled to an education like everyone else. He shouldn't have to worry about things like this that have been caused by the school especially as he's got enough to deal with

OP posts:
babyproblems · 14/09/2025 22:22

Thelnebriati · 14/09/2025 20:39

I thought from your thread title that you were being That Parent, but your DS being refused permission to go to the toilet when he has a colostomy bag is appalling, and the school aren't dealing with it.

IMO the school are discriminating against your son on the basis of disability, and I'd be escalating to a formal complaint. Plus I'd want an assurance he'd be able to go to the toilet when needed.

Agree with this.
v poor from the supply teacher and id be furious about that tbh.

Bananafofana · 14/09/2025 22:19

He needs a medical pass and a healthcare plan (done by school, not necessarily an EHCP). And he should not be doing that detention. As per precious posters, the phone isn’t necessarily the answer, the school need to cater for his disability.

Agapornis · 14/09/2025 22:15

What if they called it a Emergency Medical Pass, rather than a toilet pass? It hopefully would make the need more clear to new staff.
Surely he's not the only child in the school who needs medical care e.g. insulin. He just happens to sort it out in the toilet.

He does need to increase his confidence in advocating for himself. It would benefit him for the rest of his life. Does he have any class friends who are good at speaking up who would back him?

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 14/09/2025 22:15

There’s a lad in the school I work in that is diabetic. He has his phone with him and this indicates to his parents and school nurses when his blood sugars are low or high. I’ve had calls from the parents before and when I’ve rung the school nurses they’re on it, so it’s being dealt with. This has been going on since Year 4.
At 14 your ds just needs to get up and go to the toilet and sort himself out. This is his normal now, so needs to get on with it.

ResusciAnnie · 14/09/2025 22:13

Poor poppet. This is precisely why these brainless blanket school rules (toilets, phones) are backwards.

oustedbymymate · 14/09/2025 22:08

Your DS needs a medical plan. He needs a medic
pass not a toilet pass and he goes to the medical room to do what he needs to do for as long as he needs.

Goldencoast2 · 14/09/2025 22:07

I understand the general rationale for not allowing kids to have phones in school, but this is surely an example where an exception should be made. Your son is trying his best to go into school, and it would allow him to have a bit more privacy and dignity if he could message you instead of always alerting members of staff. Frankly, even if he just occasionally needs a bit of comfort if he’s in pain, I think the phone use would be justified.

If all the other kids have their phones locked away anyway, its a massive stretch to say he would be texting others / misusing the phone during class.

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