Husband not enjoying being a Dad and struggling to bond

He may just not like the baby stage. My DH didn’t particularly enjoy baby stage with either DC, but when they started talking and being able to interact more, he found his stride. Older DC is 6 and she and DH are like peas in a pod now. I think the baby stage can sometimes be a bit unrewarding and if you don’t have that ‘instant’ love/bond that people like to go on about, it can take time.

Does he get much time alone with her where you aren’t there at all?

I take it that like so many husbands, your DH is working, and so doesn't get nearly as much time with your DD as you do? If that's the case, then when he does have time off, it might be a good idea for you to have some time for yourself, and leave him to manage alone with your baby. Ideally you need to go out for a few hours, maybe go shopping, or visit a friend or family member, and tell him that you won't be answering your phone, so he needs to cope on his own, assuming of course that he's OK with stuff like changing nappies, etc. and if he's not, then you need to teach him how to do it, by letting him do it, and pointing out what he's doing wrong, if he is, but don't just show him, make HIM do it, we all learn better from actually doing something rather than watching. Once you're happy that he's actually capable of looking after your child, then take that time out, and let him get on with it.

The baby stage isn’t for everyone, and not everyone enjoys every stage of parenting. As long as he is caring for her well, trying his best and not being too hard on himself, then I would just roll with the punches.

I found the baby stage incredibly boring and would not say I took to motherhood naturally at all. I enjoyed from 2yrs old better, and it’s got better every year since then. I personally just enjoy older kids more than very little ones. Maybe this is your DH.

Both new mums and dads can struggle to bond straight away. It’s the continuous care and 1:1 time together that creates the bond. He needs to forget about how he’s “supposed to feel” - he’s not owed euphoria about his new baby, and start spending a lot more time with her, without your supervision. And you need to stop stepping in and correcting him even if he doesn’t do things your way, gets tired, frustrated or what not. If you’re looking after a baby, sooner or later you’ll get exhausted and frustrated - doesn’t mean it’s time to walk away or moan about not feeling it. Love is a verb.

I think he probably needs to take the pressure of himself, dads ime come into their own more in the toddler years as it’s normal for the mum/baby bond to be stronger at the baby stage.

Could they do a baby clsss together? Baby swimming or similar?

If not he needs to focus on supporting you by doing the domestic stuff so you can take care of dd.

That said if he’s jealous/resentful of the baby that is a problem.

He isn’t a perfect man, you can’t say you’ve never had a crossed word when he’s jealous you’ve bonded with the baby better than him and is making a hostile environment. Sometimes people do find it incredibly hard to bond and babies are absolutely not fun for everyone, his feelings are ok and normal but him making it a ‘why me’ thing isn’t really. He needs to spend more time alone with her bonding and you just need to make sure you don’t jump in and ‘help’. Let him have the chance to take charge and believe in himself. And if he doesn’t step up then you know you have a bigger problem on your hands.

Hopefully he will come into his own as she grows and he can do more for her. I didn’t personally love the baby stage, but toddler onwards has been brilliant.

I'd say he needs therapy perhaps to work out why he is feeling this way.

However. Do you leave him out? Do you let him do things himself without instruction / making judgement ? Do you give them any alone time?

Sounds like he needs a reset on how he's thinking about and approaching fatherhood.

Some men think that a baby or child is a problem to be managed, rather than a little person to be treasured and enjoyed.

Becoming a parent is a huge step to take. I wonder if he might find some specialist counselling to help him to unpick his feelings?