Husband not enjoying being a Dad and struggling to bond

Lots of men are just like this as they can't do right for doing wrong. It is normal to not be a natural with a baby if they have little experience of them, and their wives butting in and taking over just undermines them.
Take yourself off out of the picture for a while and let them bond.

Exactly this. Just leave them alone together.

Give him time. Many Dad's come into their own when their children are more physically developed - walking, swimming, climbing.
Sometimes the baby prefer's their mother and voices that so the Dad's feel a bit crap. All normal.
Give Dad regular time alone. Can he take her to swimming?

Remember that you are DH friend not just the baby's mother so keep doing adult outings etc.
Look into whether DH could be depressed.

Most women on here who complain about parenting on the board see their baby as a problem to be managed to be fair

Endless threads about babies crying all night.Yeah they do that. It's not news more surprising.

I struggled massively with Motherhood even though DD was very much planned. At the end of the day there is no choice but to push through and get on with parenting. This isn't your problem to fix, it is his and he needs to put a brave face on and carry on.

You didn’t need to do anything differently, their poor behaviour was on them.

Lots of dads struggle at the start, dads care can appear a bit shit compared to mums, it often takes them longer to settle the baby, change the baby, feed the baby, baby often prefers mum at the beginning, so they back off a bit and then lose confidence. It’s really common, your plan is a good one, just leave them to it, tell him he will find HIS way of looking after her which will probably look quite different to yours, and that’s ok. He will come into his own I’m sure.

How is sleep in the household?

Long working hours, disruption to routines due to baby's arrival. It could be he is not feeling himself due to changes around little ones presence.

Do they get time together without you? That seems key

What a vile response. I've seen some nasty people on this site but you take the biscuit. Shame on you.

I will also add that when we came home from hospital, if dh had dd in his arms, I left the room. I could see myself wanting to comment and correct him when he was doing nothing wrong. So, I went elsewhere in the house. It took about a week for me to subside and I was fine after that.

Dh was very good with dd but, even so, he found the change of lifestyle difficult. I breastfed but he would do as many nappy changes as he could “it’s all I can do”. But I would verbalise actions. When I went into the kitchen to prepare dinner or whatever, I would say “right, dd. You’re having daddy cuddles now. You’re about to get the type of cuddle mummy can’t do and isn’t it the best thing?” And I would comment in the same way when daddy was holding her or doing stuff.

He needed to know that, although he did things differently to me, that wasn’t a bad thing. And dd got told the same thing, too. DH would take her for mornings walks, he read her the last story at night. Right from the start, he created memories for himself.

It wasn’t always easy. Sometimes, with the best will in the world, only mummy would do. I know he felt helpless and left out on occasion but I just said “well, this is biology at work”. And he did say later that he loved the toddler- walking, talking, inquisitive, fun.

Also, when dd was about three, he refused to tell her off about something once. “You do it”, he said. So said I said “alright, I will. But, when she’ll a stroppy 14 year old, you don’t get to have a say. Your ability to have an opinion then starts with the groundwork now.” He started getting better at the boring stuff after that.

And they get enormous pleasure in each other’s company now.

I could have wrote the exact same thing 3 years ago about my husband. I think being older and together for a while it’s a big shock and us women get on with it because we have to whereas it takes more time for men. My little boy is still closer to me than my husband but my husband does find it easier now, as the baby can do more stuff I think the Dads find it easier. Stick in there but make sure your husband knows how you feel too.

Can he do a baby massage or swimming classes course with her? Both are great for bonding. Maybe he should chat to the health visitor about this too so she can signpost him to help

Or are we all meant to agree that she is the perfect mother ‘mothering beautifully’ and all the issues are down to her husband ? In which case op, you’re doing absolutely amazingly and should continue constantly micromanaging him.

She asked if she should stop micromanaging his parenting and I agreed she does. If she can’t take responses then maybe she shouldn’t have posted on aibu

How needlessly mean and nasty to someone asking for help.

do you tell him about how perfect you are as her mum constantly ?

He needs to be reminded not to take crying or fretting by the baby as a personal rejection.

He needs to be reminded that he's a parent for the long haul and to be patient with the baby and with himself. It's a marathon.

He needs to be reminded that baby care isn't about solving problems. It's about patiently holding the baby while she's colicky, patiently wiping a poonami off the baby for the fifth time in 12 hours, patiently wiping dribble off his clothes yet again, patiently burping the baby for as long as it takes.

He needs to be reminded that you being a parent doesn't take away from being a partner to him.

To be fair, babies are quite dull. He will probably get more into his stride as she develops and becomes a person. I wouldn’t worry too much.

It sounds as though he needs to feel needed as a dad. You’re said several times how well you’ve taken to parenthood which is lovely for you but might make him feel even worse that he hasn’t. Add in the fact that you’re in a happy bubble of routine by yourselves and he might be struggling to see where he fits in. Is there something he can do with or for dd that’s just their thing they do together? Maybe take her out in the pram to the shops on a weekend morning or just something simple like that. Give him some responsibility and he might appreciate it.

Are you accidentally undermining him? You say you have taken to it very well, which is great, but does he feel he can't do as well as you and is feeling overwhelmed?

We adopted, and my DH was a bit of a fish out of water to start with. It was a different scenario as DS was 3, but I actively made a daddy-shapped hole for DH to step into.

So, if a toy broke or needed a battery changing then I would say "daddy will do this when he is back from work" (of course I could have done it) so DH would sit with DS and do what ever needed doing to the toy to make it work again, and then play with it with DS.

If he genuinely wants to engage, he might just be feeling scared of not being as good as you.