Husband not enjoying being a Dad and struggling to bond

For seven years it's been you and him, he's been your focus.

Now this huge change - a whole other person has first call on your time, care, attention, your body. He has literally been displaced.

And yes, you and the baby are a unit.

Fathers just don't get the preparation mothers do. The baby is an abstract concept until birth then suddenly - all that. While you've been evolving and supported for months, learning what to expect.

Are you asking his opinion and feelings and input about caring for the baby?

Well that's your problem. How much paternity leave did he get? He will never get this time back. Can he take some extended paternity leave or drop some hours? It seems unfair for him to be away from his child so much.

Why is it madness?

DP and I didn't know we were having a baby, right up until the moment DP went into labour. We'd only been going out 10 months so weren't living together, DP was still living at home with her parents.

For the first 4 months of DD's life, I was almost never alone with her. I was in work every day, spent every other night at my own house trying to get my house ready for DP and DD to move in (I'd just bought it and it was lacking a kitchen among many other things at the time.)

So I'd only be around my child for 4ish hours every other night, and a day of the weekend. And there was always someone else around. Even if DP was taking a nap, then MIL would be there, or SIL. It was probably around 6 months, when we were living alone as our little family, before I properly felt love for my child, that I felt that this was my kid.

That doesn't mean I was a danger to her before that, any more than I'm a danger to any other person on the planet. I'm not a psychopath, I wasn't suffering from depression or any other mental illness, I just hadn't really had a real chance to form my own relationship with my daughter. I can still remember the first time I properly felt like "Wow, I really love this child". DP was having a lie in, shortly after they'd moved in with me, so I'd gotten up, done breakfast, DD was in her little bouncy chair in the kitchen doorway. I dropped a tea towel, and DD just pissed herself laughing. So thats how we spent the next 15 minutes, me chucking a tea towel up in the air, and failing to catch it, and DD finding it the funniest thing in the world. Nothing changed in that moment in the way I cared for DD. She'd been a tiny human I was responsible for 5 minutes earlier, and that was still the case 5 minutes later. But it changed the way I felt about her. We'd communicated with each other properly for the first time, just the two of us.

I don't think that emotional feeling of love comes instantly for most men. They've not had the previous few months of feeling this child inside us before they're born, and we're cut out of a huge part of the parenting experience for the first few months due to not having the required equipment. That doesn't make us a danger to our kids, it just means we have to find other ways to bond initially, and we need to be given the time and space to find that relationship.

I think you've identified exactly what would help, and the main one is time.

My husband took a couple of months Shared Parental Leave, and then did 4 days a week (same as me) for a year. As a result he has an amazing bond with our son and is just as capable as me at looking after him. It's a shame it's not more normalised (or financially viable) for men to take time out for their family because it benefits everyone so much.

I found bath time / bed time outrageously tedious and did all in my power to avoid it. Maybe your DH and DD need to find other activities - a walk around town to get coffee, baby swimming classes, my DH stays up late sometimes with our DC watching movies at the weekend, she’s eight months and adores the one on one attention when the test of us are in bed. I’d also suggest your DH brings her to visit people on his own, just give them space to find their way.

He needs reassurance. Let him know he doesn't have to parent the same way you do, as long as he is loving and patient and gentle in his own way, it's fine.

Men can get PND. If he's really struggling it's worth talking with someone about it.

Also, reassure him that not everyone connects at the baby stage and that is okay. I loved my babies but I didn't at all enjoy that stage of motherhood. It bored me rigid.As soon as they were talking and trotting about, showing their personalities, I felt so much happier and that lasted right through even the teenage years and early adulthood.

Can DH take some paternity leave so he gets some continuous time with baby?

This. You are framing as you being a perfect parent so that you parent alone because he is struggling. This needs to stop.

frustration is normal. Let him parent her, together and alone. He has to develop his own way of doing things not copy you.

I would add that I am unfortunately coming from a place of experience. There was three Years and three months between myself and my sister and one of my earliest memories is my sister age to sat on the floor and my dad kicking her up the arse so hard that she flew in the air, whilst our mum was at the shops for the afternoon.

He didn’t even think there was anything wrong with that because when I mentioned it 10 years later, he nodded acknowledging it.
Obviously, this man is a pillar of society and everybody outside of the family likes him.

You need to be very careful with your young daughter

I’m absolutely gobsmacked that the advice from other mothers is to leave a vulnerable child with somebody who openly admits they’re not emotionally attached to them.
Absolute madness

Is he just jealous? You are now effectively in a new relationship, a lovely little love bubble, and he is the third wheel. I know the baby is now your favourite person in the world, but don’t push him to the side. I’ve seen a couple of friend’s marriages end this way.

Just to add - you need to get a regular babysitter and go on adult-only 'dates'.

It can be fatal to a relationship to be so involved in being parents that you forget you are also a couple.
He needs time alone with the baby, but he also needs time alone with you - the person you were before you became a mother.

There will be some dads groups somewhere he can join, he needs peer support and role models. Don't get drawn in to 'solving' his problem, just listen and make acknowledging noises.

It is not unusual for a dad to feel deskilled as he watches mum slide into parenthood and in a smooth routine with baby.
One of the many reasons for this is that the parent who is with baby most is tuned in to their moods/needs and is one jump ahead, so things go smoothly.
There is only one solution to this ... he needs more time with baby on his own so he can develop his own sixth sense and confidence.
It is very easy for a mum to feel they can do things better and not want any disruption to routine.
It is important that you do not leap in every time he does things differently ... his way is his and to be valued. Biting the tongue and sitting on your hands is part of the task... leave him to it.
My children, now adults, had lots of daddy days ... I turned a blind eye to lots that I suspected went on!
But it is also worth saying that busy working dad's often come into their own a bit later on. He needs to stop thinking he has to "bond" right now. His role at this moment might be to keep the finances stable and be a support to you. Forget the blooming binding (Bowlby has a lot to answer for!) and go with the flow. Dad will have his moment ... maybe later .. but maybe now if you let go a bit.

I agree with this. I would try to reassure him that it's entirely normal - for many mums as well as dads. You don't necessarily feel bonded to this crying pooing small human that is suddenly in your house.

It's also normal that he will take longer to feel the bond if he is the one working more.

He just needs to get on with doing things with baby when he gets chance - feeding, changing, bathtime etc - and not worry about whether he is "feeling" a connection. That connection will just grow with time.

You need to back off and leave her with him for some good chunks of time. Take a shopping day out, or a spa day. Give them some time together without you lurking and waiting to take over.

Sounds tricky, but I think the advice for him and your daughter to have more one-on-one time is good.

He may find that as she gets a bit older, he finds it easier to bond. In my friendship groups, fatherhood seemed to ‘click’ once they came out of the baby phase and into the toddler phase.

Not the same situation, but my two had big mummy preferences and although my dh never voiced being upset or feeling left out, I found carving out a few activities that ‘only daddy’ did helped. E.g. playing a certain game. If they wanted to play it with me, I’d pretend I didn't know how or wasn't strong enough and take the opportunity to big up my husband, so that they’d seek him out for it. Just a small thing, but it helped.

Good luck, I'm sure your dh will find his feet.

In the first week she was alive youve spent more time caring for her and working out what works and what doesn't, than he did in over a month. For every week you spend he spends a couple of hours. So you are getting more and more experienced and he is getting more and more out of his comfort zone as she grows.

He needs some kind of dads class that tells dads it’s ok to be nervous or anxious or whatever and that the bond will grow but you do need to fake it til you make it. Have a google and see if there is one anywhere reasonably local. If no dads classes then some other parent and baby class. If he is surrounded by people admiring his baby and appearing to be thinking Hes a good dad it may help him?

At the same time you need to not criticise him and his methods unless they are dangerous. Going away to the gym or whatever and leaving him to it will force him to get on with it.

It’s scary stuff. Imagine it from his viewpoint. Youre in charge of a human who duesnt appear to like you that much. You don’t know what to do when or how to do it. Someone else knows it all and is better. You have no confidence. Easier to feel sad and give up and hand the baby back to mum….

I think your husband needs to adjust his expectations (maybe that you are putting on him?). I would not say that having a baby is a pleasure. 😂 Most parents don’t really enjoy it hugely. Certainly not to the extent you seem to if he’s using that as a measuring stick. I loved my babies, but I can’t say I enjoyed bath or bedtime. It’s just a task to be gotten through.

He needs time with baby (without you) and he needs to get stuck in with the work, bathtime, bedtime, taking her for walks, out to the shops, to visit his family or friends for an hour or two. They have to get to know each other. It won’t be a pleasure. It’s just what you do. He’ll get there, but he needs time and space to do it.

Definitely leave them alone together more. It also might help if you occasionally had a little moan after a bad day or said you miss the spontaneity or whatever because he must feel like he’s on another planet to you if it’s all sunshine, rainbows, everything is perfect to you whilst he’s thinking actually this is really tough going. Because the truth is no doubt somewhere in the middle- babies are hard work but it can also be pretty wonderful!

He sounds like he's making excuses for not being an involved father, letting you know how fatherhood isn't fulfilling.

I think it's a bit of a dick move to be honest. He may have been the perfect partner when it was just the two of you, but he's really not being one now.

I think the idea of them spending more one to one time is good - see if he steps up.

My husband was similar: we had two children within 19 months and he just didn’t enjoy the baby or toddler stage. I exclusively breastfed both of them and loved every minute of their early lives but he struggled to bond, saying it was obvious they needed me more than him. It was so hard, especially as like you, OP, we had an amazing relationship and had both wanted kids. Anyway, the good news is - it got better! As the kids got older, he slowly bonded with them. And I tried to give him more time alone with them. They are teens now and he says he has enjoyed fatherhood more and more as they have got older. It was hard on me and I have definitely done more parenting than him. But he is wonderful man, a great provider and I am so happy we persevered. Good luck.

Not everyone enjoys the early baby stage, including mums. My mum always said our dad wasn't that interested in us until we were talking and the fact is he's been a great dad despite that. People can get too hung up on how they are 'supposed to feel' but it doesn't come naturally to everyone. I mean, I never felt the 'unbelievable rush of love' for my two post birth that many people talk about and I've seen people get really hung up on not feeling that, but I just accepted its not the same for everyone and didn't mean I didn't love my kids.

I think you may just have to accept how he feels for now and its more than likely there will come a point he feels more able to relate.

I think a lot of excuses are made for men who don’t want to do the grunt work within relationships and households.

On the one hand micromanaging is not ideal because you’d want that to come naturally to somebody who loves their child but on the other hand, “ micromanaging” is what keeps babies safe in the world. It’s actually an important attribute of a caregiver.