Husband not enjoying being a Dad and struggling to bond

Have a look at Home Start 'Dad Matters' groups.

Ignore the rude comments that always rush to blame the men.
I know men who struggled until the child was able to interact with them (the walking/talking stage)

This is more common than spoken about; it is strange but it is common.
Therapy/activities etc will help

Which is basically part of the same old gendered pattern everyone here can recognise. He's not perfect at all, he's a bog standard disappointing man baby.

I wonder what we would do if mums weren’t enjoying it, Didn’t want to immerse themselves, creating hostility, etc

Are there any dads groups locally he could go to? Maybe ask your Health Visitor?

Yep.

I suggest you re read the OP….

Did you not notice the bit about him not ‘immersing himself in bed or bathtime’ unless the OP asks him, and how when he is actually parenting he ‘creates a hostile environment’ to the point where she finds it easier not to ask? Assuming he works, and is only actually home for bath and bedtime when his baby is awake, he’s opted out of the only daily time he sees his child, and is pressuring the OP into basically handling all care for their baby.

There's nothing in what she says about him not getting on with it. Just that he's finding it hard.

Parenting is hard but you get out what you put in. Babies are not for everyone (as in not everyone likes the baby phase) but he needs to knuckle down so he can build on the foundations for later. I didn't love having a baby; I found parenting much easier once they can walk around, talk a bit and generally have a bit more of an overt personality. He might feel exactly like I did (for example) but the contrast with how you clearly feel is making him feel like something is wrong.

Reassure him that children change and that not everyone will love every phase of parenthood but remind him (and he'll know this if he is an otherwise successful person) that he needs to put the effort in to reap the benefits.

Also - leave him to it when you can; it will be good for him and good for you. Don't be the baby expert.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/jan/24/mum-watched-me-correct-my-husband-then-sagely-warned-me-dont-become-the-expert-in-the-baby

He needs to find his thing. My husband enjoyed bath times. He wasn’t fully into being a dad until they were 18 months tbh though

He is absolutely not a perfect man. A “perfect” -or even just an OK-man would accept the fact that he’s finding this stage a bit challenging, but get on with it!!!

The root cause in that case is pure selfish immaturity and ingrained sexism. I hope you gave him the sharp kick in the shins he deserved.

Bonding doesn't just come from blocks of one on one time, it comes from doing all the mundane tasks. When my daughter was that young I done most of the feeding but her dad when he was home done every nappy change for example and took turns winding her after a feed. He didn't just treat it as a task to be got through as quickly as possible though, he took the time to talk to her and sing to her etc. If he was watching TV he'd just sit with her on him. He used to get up with her one of the weekend mornings also. He just needs to be involved in her everyday care.

Dare I say was he hoping for a boy? A friend of mine who behaved similarly eventually admitted this was the root cause.

I don’t think it’s that unusual. DH was never that fussed about the first few months baby stage.

When the midwife came round when I’d had DC2 she asked how he was enjoying the baby. He’d just come back taking DC1 out and answered something like ‘yeah, fine I suppose.’ And the midwife immediately said ‘oh, you’re a fun dad’. Which I took to mean that there’s lots of dads that are great with toddlers and kids but not naturals with babies.

DH is an amazing dad, a much better parent than me, but he really kicks into gear at about 1yr.

This is one of those hard things to navigate. With DS my DH bonded instantly whereas it took me a bit longer, but when he went back to work he then found it harder. Babies change a lot over a short space of time and he find it hard when he’d dp something and I’d say “that doesn’t work anymore, I do this now” or things along those lines. He was pretty open about it so we agreed I’d leave him to it a bit more and he’d figure things out. That worked well and he had his own bath and bed routine that worked really well.

Reading your post though if you’re coming across as perfect and taking to it all so amazingly that doesn’t make it easy. I can guarantee that you refer to “we do this” and “we do that”, implying to him he’s the spare part. I know you will do because I did the same.

Okay good!

In which case you basically need to manage the F out of it starting now (whilst appearing not to do so and actually its his amazingness - enjoy that!!! 😅) and give them more time together solo.
Gym then sauna?? Just a thought.
I also suggested fun activities for them to do together

Praise is basically their oxygen...

I delegated some dr apps to him and he initially hated it then grew to love it - women people in the street were basically giving him a standing ovation for taking his kid out and changing a nappy. Hes come home totally chuffed...

He took dd to a coffee shop and changed a nappy and the woman in the cafe saw him so gave him his coffee for free and let him have a pastry?!?!?!? he was delighted I was like wtf?!?!?

3 yrs on he sagely gives a little reassuring shoulder squeeze and words of brotherly advice to new dads.... 😅😅😅😅

It can be hard to bond in the first few months as the dad

You generally get far less time with the baby, you can't breast feed, etc

When you do things like nappy changes etc your comparing how you do it with mum especially if you're slower and don't get as much practice due to being out at work

I admit I struggled, did not get enjoyment in those first few months. It helped when I got one to one time when my wife started jogging again.

He'll find it gets easier. Give him time

You need to read the room on whether he is NOT interested and is a potential danger via neglect and you are heading for separation OR just struggling to find his feet.

If it was the latter....I think this is pretty standard amongst a lot of the families we know.

Unpolitically correct advice for that would be...

• You have to step back so he can step up.
• Try not to come back from the gym and tut because the shirts on backwards, the nappy doesn't have frills out etc. Even though it is fucking annoying.... "Perfect" is the enemy here imo...
• part of it is confidence. they geniunely think "i am not good at this" and somehow dont get its a skill like everything else ever
• lots of praise 🙄 I also talked him up to other people which made him more confident as he was like "she DOES think i good!" For me it was fairly self fulfilling prophecy.
• you have to train them up nicely and non patronisingly. I essentially told my DH what he needed to pack, then would "help him check" then eventually left him to it and via natural consequences (he'd be out and have forgot baby chamg or whatever) he became v competent.

That said im not sure you are in this camp....

I would be very concerned about this particularly as you arent used to conflict. he may view it as you picking the babies side as moronic as that sounds and it creates an them vs me dynamic

I'd also be wary of the "long hours" I almost guarantee its total Bullshit.

You very honestly choose your hours in office based jobs - laptops mean he can work from home and i would often see men farting around until 4pm before buclling down and sraying until 8 or 9 because "they had to". Its avoiding martial duties.
Even the corporate lawyer dads flexed their hours once kids appeared. If you want to - you can.

My dh and I both make over 100k we do not work between 5.45 and 7.30/8. We work afterwards certainly... and sometimes weekends. Most / all of our friends do similar except one couple. The DH in that couple is in the "pretend work" category, she didnt push him to sort it out when baby was small, they just ignored it and she did everything - he was more pushed out and it was weird all round
he now openly says he regrets their child, has refused to have a second and honestly its painful to watch....she wants to pretend its fine and he is dad of the year... when he basically hides mon- fri then fucks off for a solo brunch (wtf??) All sunday AM every week. Shes breaking her back to keep it together because divorce is her big fear.

As you ACTUALLY a SAHM or are you planning to not return to work....? Either way id be looking at options JUST IN CASE because right now this man doesnt sound invested.

Was it a planned pregnancy for both of you?

I think women's expectations are often too high. You carry the baby you bear it. It's literally part of your body for nearly a year. Then your body, if you are able to breast feed, is able to nourish the baby and that creates an amazing bond of both feeding and comfort.

It's quite interesting that you expect a father to be able to match this bond almost immediately from birth. They tend to go back to work within a couple of weeks and they're not with the baby all day.

It's an adjustment for them too and harder as they dont have that instant bond. He'll probably grow into parenting.