To be angry with DH for not coming home?

My exH turned out to be like this, although it took me a long time to work it out.
His examples were not so spectacular, but over the years they built up and killed any desire I had to stay married to him.

I think some men like the idea of having a wife and children, a bit like status symbols.
But they don't actually want to be husbands and fathers. Not really. Not the hard bits, which require them to put others' needs before their own wants, and ego.

He's not coming. What I would do now is focus on your DD (which you are already doing anyway) and not send him any updates or call him at all. If he wants to know how she is he can facetime you or her. You will need to manage the lack of contact with DD which is the shitty part.
When he gets back you probably want to have a conversation with him about this and his priorities and decide what, if anything, you want to do about it.

Well there’s your answer. Surely you knew that his career would take over everything before you had kids with him. The two are not mutually conducive unfortunately

And the reason why he can’t pick up a phone for 5 minutes is….?

Your marriage is over, obviously. I am very sorry about this.

He is probably having sex with someone over there and planning to leave you.

But even if not, obviously you will never forgive him - and nor should you - and your child will never forget her father deserted her because he chose to.

I would not attempt to message him, ever again. I would take no calls from him unless he makes it clear he wants to talk to your daughter, at which point pop him on to your daughter then hang up after you have finished.

There is no point at all in trying to talk to him or get him to feel sorry for his behaviour. He doesn't care.

Get a lawyer today, get your affairs in order and you can hit him with divorce plans when he bothers to turn up.

If you are able to do so legally, change your locks too, so he doesn't just get to waltz in and harass you when he bothers to come back.

As somebody who travelled frequently for work I would be shocked if his boss had an issue with him wanting to fly back to see a sick child.

If this is serious enough I would be pissed at my husband. And him refusing to even Facetime due to “time difference” is nonsense. I lived in Oz and you can make it work if you want to.

He just doesn’t give a fuck.

I'm so sorry @Coffeeoftheworld, I am seething on your behalf. It would be marriage over for me.
Wishing you and your daughter all the best 💐

On my part it’s not at all being dazzled by being a film director. It’s practicalities as he scald way round the world and as others have so succinctly said when a director leaves a shoot it affects so much more than the shoot. Her job is of course as equally important but as it is she is there and has put solutions into place. By the time he gets home his daughter could well be out of hospital and well (hopefully 🙏🏻).

I probably wouldn’t expect him to come home given your updates about his job and the potential knock on for hundreds of people- though without knowing exactly your dc’s medical situation I can’t say for sure.

there is zero excuse for not keeping in contact. I take it he needs to use the bathroom? It takes 10 seconds to make a voice note and he can do it whilst he’s walking. His messages to you are horrible.

Is he director or AD?

If he’s a Hollywood level director then he’s been in the industry a long time, so you should already know how this all works? Unless he never talks to you about work, ever? Have you never had this situation before?

You know he can’t leave set, and as frustrating and anger inducing as it is, you can’t expect him to. My point about face timing still stands though. He absolutely should be prioritising that. His job will be all consuming mentally and creatively, but he SHOULD be FaceTiming his sick daughter and stressed wife when he gets a chance, and his line producer should be making time for that in the schedule. Even if it’s just ten minutes during a lighting change, he’ll be needed to discuss with the DOP, but not for the physical re-set of lights so absolutely can take time to call home, with the support of his producer.

Edited to add: your anger is wholly justified. He sounds like he’s too wrapped up in his own self importance to make time to call home. Hollywood will do that to you.

You keep saying he should just ask his boss and she would understand he needed to go home...I am really sorry, but it sounds like he hasn't asked because he doesn't want to. And those horrific messages about not being able to reply to you for 4 days and NEVER calling or video calling his sick daughter clearly show his priorities. You now know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, you and your children will never come first for him. If you can live with that, hire a nanny (once this crisis has passed) and carry on with life, enjoying the few times he's around and present. If you can't, still hire a nanny and enjoy your freedom.

Ok so I think you need to leave him tbh. Don’t send messages. Leave him to it. When your daughter is out of hospital then speak to a solicitor.

keep all texts in case he goes for custody. It’s really good evidence that he cannot provide care to your kids.

If it's not life or death, it's not unreasonable for him to stay in Australia for work.

What is unreasonable, and unforgiveable, his his lack of care, consideration and support for his wife and daughter.

He sounds utterly cold and unfeeling.

It would made me question my marriage.

Being a parent isn’t something you can turn on and off. He is being incredibly selfish!
I don’t think I’d want to be with someone like that tbh, letting you down is one thing but letting your child down is unforgivable.
A few minutes to FaceTime is the very least he should be able to do!

I would also add literally NO ONE is indispensable, no matter the size of their ego.

Certainly no one is ‘too important’ to ring their own hospitalised child.

I would be calling the lawyers this morning, personally, because the level of anger and hatred I would feel for this kind of parental abandonment wouldn’t make an on going relationship possible. Game over.

Have a read of Scruples 2 OP..........

I took that as the OP hypothesising in response to everyone going on about how big and important her husband is. She no doubt is in charge of projects costing that much but yes, her company I’m sure is surviving without her. I believe that was her point but obviously it the OP so can’t be sure.

Well obviously his career is his priority over his child and you.

That's where you and your child stand - second or third at best. That Will never change.

Now it's for you to decide whether that's enough for your marriage to survive.

Same here. I wouldn’t expect him to come home if this is something that is not entirely unexpected (chronic condition) and under control in hospital. However, with another child being cared for by a friend for over a week, rather than e.g. a grandparent/aunt, that changes things and I think he should probably try to be home as soon as possible to take over that. The refusal to FaceTime is really shit of him and that is where he is giving himself away - it isn’t that it’s not possible or practical to come home, it’s that he isn’t prepared to inconvenience himself even slightly for the sake of his daughter. I’m not sure I could ever forget that.

But it might make people think twice about using him if he costs a production a lot of money for a non urgent situation.

I’ve only read your updates OP, but it really depends on his role on set. Is he the actual director? Who is his “line manager”, is it the producer, if so which producer? What’s the production, indie or studio? But actually regardless of all this, if they’re shooting is Aus, I’d imagine a fair budget would have gone into this and if he’s the overall director, he won’t be able to leave without the production crumbling, they won’t be able to find a replacement and the studio will lose millions potentially. If indie, it will mean the shoot effectively is cancelled and they won’t recoup any budget at all, it will mean the film will be cancelled and won’t get made, investors won’t get any money back etc. Not to mention the damage to his career if he walks (for whatever reason) and he really cannot risk that damage in an industry which is really struggling right now. Him finding work afterwards will become very tricky. Sadly, the film industry is not even slightly family friendly and I expect you already know this.

Having said all that, he is a prised twat for not FaceTiming. He WILL have time to do that. And now the not even replying to texts? Wowzers. Sounds like he’s got a serious self-importance issue. I wouldn’t be expecting him to come home, but his behaviour is outrageous and I would have read him the riot act by now.

I’m sorry your little girl is so poorly, you must be so stressed and exhausted and your dick head of a husband is making everything worse when he should be supporting you (albeit from afar).

How is DD doing today, OP?

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