To be angry with DH for not coming home?

OP, don’t give him any cover with friends or family. No “oh, it’s difficult for him he just couldn’t come back but we’re all managing as best we can” or anything. Just the plain facts. “No, he’s not here, he wouldn’t come back” or “no he hasn’t spoken to her”.

He does not deserve to be insulated from the disapproval or judgement of other people for this.

You are not being unreasonable. 1000x over.

My sons dad isnt very involved, sees him 24x a year. Works away at sea for 4weeks at a time. But when our son was ill in hospital, he delayed his next trip, came to the hospital everyday, bought extra nappies and things that he needed. Lost out on 2k, still paid child maintenance. He attends every hospital appointment he can. He drove 2hrs, in the snow to come to his scan appointment.

It comes down to that phrase "if he wanted to, he could". If our son was really ill and expected to be in hospital for a week or more, he would tell work he needed to come home and would get the helicopter off the ship if needed.

If our son is in hospital for anything (he has autism and when he gets any illness, stops eating/drinking) he will be there, if not he asks for continuous updates, sends voice or video messages.

Hes not dad of the year by any stretch. But if his kid is ill, he'll be there.

Is he actually in the middle of a shoot? If so then I understand that he can't leave without costing the company tens of thousands a day, and would involve a huge insurance claim that would be seriously detrimental to his career. But he could easily FaceTime and text, refusing to do that is just weird.

Completely taking the p*ss, I'd just not bother texting him updates at all.
He doesn't want to know, he doesn't want the discomfort of having to think about his ill daughter lying in a hospital bed and him on the other side of the world prioritising himself.
Not even able to reply now, absolutely ridiculous.
Fuck him.

IKR! Particularly as OP has said that she is the higher earner so the financial consequences to the family if she lost her job would be worse.

Who does he expect to look after your younger child? What if your best friend is taken ill? I certainly wouldn't be leaving my 3yr old (or any age for that matter!) With a friend for what could be a week?

Sorry, but your DH sounds like a total arse and a shit Dad.
I understand his job means he can't just leave easily like if he was 10 mins down the road in an office, but at least show willing by facetiming etc.
I'd also be concerned that he was up to no good - maybe with that female boss of his? It's likely he isn't, but refusal to contact a child and claiming to not be able to even text for 2 days smells of dodgy to me.
I'd certainly be asking the question.
He must go for a wee, get into bed, do many things which allow for a 2 min text.
If he wanted to, then he would. I certainly would NOT be updating him on our child - if she isn't important enough for him to call her then he doesn't deserve to know how she is.

OP is having to take time off work and she is the higher earner. He is refusing to even call OP and his daughter. That makes absolutely no sense. Surely even film directors have a couple of minutes between takes to phone home to check that his daughter (and his other child) are OK?

I'd be very firm in telling him if he can't find 10 minutes to facetime his hospitalised daughter he'll be coming home to divorce papers, no one is that busy. It's bad enough he won't come home without even answering a text or call, who is he afraid of seeing him speaking to his wife and children?

You mean you’d expect the OP to just go to work normally see her dd in the evening for a couple of hours, go back home and …. what pick up their older child on the way, put them to bed and start again the next day.
No change in her routine re work. A 7yo can just cope with seeing one parent for 1~2 hours a day whikst in hospital. There not going to get bored, scared, lonely or feeling like everyone has abandoned them.

Im assuming you haven’t tested that yourself seeing you’re only talking about friends agd family. You’re also not saying if those people could take turns (possible if BOTH parents are available and your have a family network around you to fill the gaps), bring in helpers (eg grand parents). Nor are you mentioning how serious or how long the stay was (staying in hospital fur a day or two is one thing, staying 1+ week is something else etc…..).

And yes the OP has been holding the fort all on her own befure hard. Something her dh should be grateful about. He wouldn’t be able to accept jobs on the other side of the world wo her support. Taking your partner and her support fir granted is never a good idea.
it also does NOT mean she is supposed to handle it all in her own all the time, regardless of what shit life throws at her. He is still a father with responsibilities. And should be expected to act like one. Not to just offload it all, FT included to his wife

I’d be on the first plane home too but I can understand some jobs and the impact that would have on others would make it difficult. The lack of communication is a whole different story. It’s horrific and unless he was a brain surgeon scrubbed into theatre for a long time then unforgivable. There must be times he breaks for lunch/loo trip or pause in filming where he could take one minute to fire a reply back.

Would it be career ending for him to phone his poorly daughter, which he has refused to do?

Flying back from Australia and getting in cahoots with your boss I fully understand he doesn't want to do it, he can loose his job and that would be putting himself and his family in way more jeopardy, but the face time thing.... WTF! Sorry but that I find unacceptable.

And what’s more, any boss/chairman/ceo worth working for would 100% give even the most critical of team members time to speak to their sick child in hospital

and would certainly expect a resignation from said team member if they didn’t.

@Coffeeoftheworld I’m sorry, your H needs to be utterly ashamed of himself

Wanting your staff to feel like they can prioritise their family is not equivalent to forcing him to phone his daughter. If my partner called my boss in an attempt to force me to do anything I would be reconsidering the relationship. It is wholly inappropriate.

I could probably understand not returning. But not even replying to messages and making it clear the OP is on her own in a difficult situation whilst managing a confused 7 year old is not good enough.

But if he was there, OP wouldn’t need to take the time off work. Why do we have to worry about his job and not OP’s?

That’s bollocks

you know it, he knows it.

I used to work with Australian contacts and yeah, I’d get up and have calls at 7am to hit their 4/5pm, but you’re telling me (or rather he is) that at 8.30pm Sydney time he can’t find 30mins to talk to his dd in the uk for her middle of the day.

this would damage my relationship with him if I were you. I suggest those ducks of yours need lining up.

@MischiefandMayhemManaged OP is having to drop everything to look after her DD, and she is the higher earner.

He's not just refusing to face-time now. He's refusing to call her and his daughter at all. Surely even these exalted people that direct films still have to eat, shower and go to the toilet so could find a couple of minutes to check in with his poorly daughter?

Your husband is a dick.

As someone who is regularly in and out of hospital with a chronic ilness - I would not be expecting him to get into trouble with his work to fly back for something that sounds - while shit - fairly commonplace. Lord, If my mum had had to drop everything every time i went to the hospital then she would have been fired! Let alone dragging someone back from Australia
I knew the nurses - and we had a school set up on the childrens ward too, so we really just got on with things. Now i'm an adult, I just take my laptop with me and crack on = albeit when i'm in the hosital they let me work a reduced time table - still pays more than SSP so we roll with it!

Successful director or not, ANYONE can pick up the phone for a few minutes. It’s inexcusable.

Yes, if he’s a film director then presumably it’ll affect the entire production, with lots of other jobs involved, locations, studios etc if he leaves.

And on some productions there can be very long, intense days of shooting, where there may be few breaks.

But I fail to understand why he can’t grab 5 mins here and there to speak to his child when she’s asking for him (and you as the parent left caring for both children, your home etc when you work too). Presumably, he has to eat at times (can he not multi-task) or has 5 minutes at the end of his day.

Plus, his communication leaves a lot to be desired. He appears to be coming across very coldly, rather than worried, supportive and concerned that he can’t be there. It doesn’t matter how much people have to absorb themselves in work (surgeons, emergency workers, scientists, film directors), a loving father always finds time for his children.

If your child has a chronic health condition, he may need to rethink his career so that he can fulfil his role as a parent. Could he rule out projects where he’s working on the other side of the world for long spells? Did you discuss childcare responsibilities before you had children or did he assume you’d be the default without having a conversation with you?

It depends on the boss and corporate culture. Lots of organisations would absolutely want staff to feel that they can prioritise a family emergency ahead of work.

He is refusing to even phone OP or his daughter. He doesn't seem bothered about his poorly daughter at all. Would all directors, A-list or otherwise, ignore the fact that they had a child in hospital and a child that has had to be left with friends and refuse to phone their wives and hospitalised child?

The one thing that would upset me the most, your dd is going to think it’s normal to be ignored and rejected when you are ill and sick. She is going to wonder why on earth he is not there tor her, most likely she will blame herself, as children find it very hard to process such abandonment. And it is a abandonment - both physically and emotionally.

Maybe he doesn’t want the guilt of being reminded of his sick child. Or maybe he genuinely thinks it’s not as important as his rest breaks.

Is he narcissistic?

I would give him an ultimatum and mean every word of it. Dd deserves better and so do you op.