Page 4 | For struggling to accept this horrible situation with SK

LoveItaly · 14/09/2025 13:08

ComfortFoodCafe · 14/09/2025 11:57

I would want nothing to do with either child again. They cannot be trusted again.
I would seriously be considering staying in this relationship - your son must come first.
I would also not want them around their half sibling either, this is serious op. They could end up ruining your childrens lifes.

Edited

It would surely be better to stay in the relationship though, wouldn’t it? At least that way the OP could prevent the daughters meeting her younger child, more likelihood of that occurring if she has to share custody following a relationship breakup.

SunriseOver · 14/09/2025 13:06

JohnofWessex · 14/09/2025 12:49

I'm more familiar with

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/British_Rail_coach_type_codes

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BM is the wrong acronym though - birth mother refers to the biological mother (who is no longer the legal parent) of a child or adult who also has adoptive parents.

FlowerUser · 14/09/2025 13:03

MangaMoo · 14/09/2025 12:57

He TRIED!! Years of court battles and false allegations and the guardian listening to the kids who said they are happy with BM. She plays the system well.

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This happened with my DB. Eventually a judge ruled he was no danger to the kids but they had got to the age where they decided to be with their DM and refused to see him. Because she had turned them against him. She lied and lied and lied and turned then into manipulative nasty people.

They are now in their 20s, have finally left home and are starting to realise what she did. But once they realised they were getting no money from my DB, they've never contacted him or us since.

Leave them to their DM. There is no happy ending in this situation.

Original poster

MangaMoo · 14/09/2025 13:00

Rosesfornoses · 14/09/2025 12:57

The novelist, Claire Tomalin who is now 92, wrote her autobiography, A Life Of My Own which covered her parents disastrous marriage and acrimonious divorce. As a young child, her mother told her to lie to a judge and say that her father's new wife hit her. She then did not see her father and her step mother for years. As a young adult she started to see them again and she became very close to her step mum. Even after both parents died she still had a loving relationship with her Step Mum and her children saw her Step Mum as a grandmother.
Claire, at 92 , still feels guilty at betraying her step mother. Parental alienation was not recognised back then.
OP, you sound really lovely. Trust your instincts and keep your children safe.As adults, your step daughters will recognise the mind games inflicted on them by their BM.

See this is what I hope for, that one day as adults they will see that they were loved and that we wanted more than what we were allowed to do.

OP posts:

Original poster

MangaMoo · 14/09/2025 12:59

Amba1998 · 14/09/2025 12:54

Having read your updates I feel incredibly sorry for the step kids. Left with a mother who assaults them and has mental health issues and a dad who went off to create a new family and only bothers EOW and once a week for tea. He hasn’t stepped up for them. How you moved this guy in and had a baby with him is beyond me

If you’ve read any of my posts you will see it’s not that simple. She has made numerous false allegations against him forcing SS involvement with the kids and enforcing supervised access for over 18 months. She has marginalised him in their lives and plays games with him and them continuously

OP posts:

Original poster

MangaMoo · 14/09/2025 12:57

ButSheSaid · 14/09/2025 12:51

Your boyfriend has left his kids with a woman who assaulted them? He didn't get a court order to become resident parent? That's appalling.

I can't see how it benefits you and your son to stay in a relationship with this man. Why not just co-parent with him? Free yourselves.

He TRIED!! Years of court battles and false allegations and the guardian listening to the kids who said they are happy with BM. She plays the system well.

OP posts:

Rosesfornoses · 14/09/2025 12:57

The novelist, Claire Tomalin who is now 92, wrote her autobiography, A Life Of My Own which covered her parents disastrous marriage and acrimonious divorce. As a young child, her mother told her to lie to a judge and say that her father's new wife hit her. She then did not see her father and her step mother for years. As a young adult she started to see them again and she became very close to her step mum. Even after both parents died she still had a loving relationship with her Step Mum and her children saw her Step Mum as a grandmother.
Claire, at 92 , still feels guilty at betraying her step mother. Parental alienation was not recognised back then.
OP, you sound really lovely. Trust your instincts and keep your children safe.As adults, your step daughters will recognise the mind games inflicted on them by their BM.

Amba1998 · 14/09/2025 12:54

Having read your updates I feel incredibly sorry for the step kids. Left with a mother who assaults them and has mental health issues and a dad who went off to create a new family and only bothers EOW and once a week for tea. He hasn’t stepped up for them. How you moved this guy in and had a baby with him is beyond me

ButSheSaid · 14/09/2025 12:51

Your boyfriend has left his kids with a woman who assaulted them? He didn't get a court order to become resident parent? That's appalling.

I can't see how it benefits you and your son to stay in a relationship with this man. Why not just co-parent with him? Free yourselves.

summitfever · 14/09/2025 12:50

I can only sympathise op, I too have to contend with an absolute screwball of a counter parent and my advice with the benefit of hindsight is batten down the hatches and protect your kids at all costs. Ideally your dh should be trying to get those girls out of there but I totally understand it’s not that easy so alternatively those girls need kept away from your kids until they’re able to see what’s going on here. There’s nothing more damaging than a toxic parent I wish my kids dad would disappear I really do.

JohnofWessex · 14/09/2025 12:49

ButSheSaid · 14/09/2025 12:47

Acronyms are common internet parlance for decades. Here's a list

https://www.mumsnet.com/i/acronyms

Show quote history

I'm more familiar with

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/British_Rail_coach_type_codes

Original poster

MangaMoo · 14/09/2025 12:48

Monr0e · 14/09/2025 12:34

OP, I would continue to keep the dc's completely seperate and 100% focus on ds which it sounds like you are doing.

Personally, I would struggle to want to maintain any kind of relationship with the other children.

Im curious why ss have been involved for years with them though? You say it is due to their DM''s mental health but from my experience it is very unusual for children to be open to children's services indefinitely and certainly not for a parents mental health unless their are other significant concerns? These are your partners dc's, how involved with them is he if they have had ongoing involvement with social workers?

Long history of reasons for SS to be involved with them unfortunately - she has previously assaulted the children, multiple false allegations made about my DP which have all taken time to be investigated and disproved and she has issues with her older kids too which are not my business to go in to but multiple issues which is the reason for so long they have been under SS

OP posts:

ButSheSaid · 14/09/2025 12:47

JohnofWessex · 14/09/2025 12:42

Can we please please use words not acronyms

Whats a BM & I dont know what a SK - Second Class Corridor Coach has to do with it?

Acronyms are common internet parlance for decades. Here's a list

https://www.mumsnet.com/i/acronyms

Original poster

MangaMoo · 14/09/2025 12:45

Whatado · 14/09/2025 12:33

Your laungage is absolutely appalling.

The OP post explains what happened. Her 7 year did in fact do something inappropriate. At 7 kids absolutely should have been taught about appropriate touching and slapping a girls bum isnt it. The child is also fully entitled to tell her other parent about it. Whether the OP and her DP dealt with it or not.

It was the OP dp ex who took it further.

@MangaMoo what is his current legal custody situation and decision making, and have the children ever had a Guardian ad litem appointed?

At the moment keeping the two units separate is for the best, but the reality is they are experiencing a very damaging childhood as a result of living with their mother. One that likely will countinue to have negative impacts on them until they either leave her care or have independent outside therapy to help them understand healthy behaviour, boundaries and emotional control.

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Yes they had a guardian but they said they wanted to live with BM as kids often do and also she had played many games with them over the years isolating my DP for years as because of her false allegations and the lengthy investigation time he could only have supervised access to them. He has been marginalized in their lives.

OP posts:

InMyShowgirlEra · 14/09/2025 12:45

JohnofWessex · 14/09/2025 12:42

Can we please please use words not acronyms

Whats a BM & I dont know what a SK - Second Class Corridor Coach has to do with it?

They are standard acronyms used on Mumsnet. BM is Biomum, i.e. not the stepmum. SK is stepkid; SD is stepdaughter and SS is stepson.

InMyShowgirlEra · 14/09/2025 12:45

JohnofWessex · 14/09/2025 12:42

Can we please please use words not acronyms

Whats a BM & I dont know what a SK - Second Class Corridor Coach has to do with it?

They are standard acronyms used on Mumsnet. BM is Biomum, i.e. not the stepmum. SK is stepkid; SD is stepdaughter and SS is stepson.

JohnofWessex · 14/09/2025 12:44

Given the number of allegations your step daughters mother has made I wonder if either a safeguarding referral to Social Services is needed OR he needs to look at Child Arrangements Order for their welfare

InMyShowgirlEra · 14/09/2025 12:43

You have nothing to feel guilty for.

Sadly, the SD's have nuked their own chances of a good relationship with their stepfamily and half sibling- this was their choice, not yours, and you owe them nothing. It's also not your fault, or your children's fault, that this means their Dad is having to be away from them EOW and one day weekly.

The best you can hope for is that as they get older they'll be less interested in going out with Dad every week and contact will reduce. It's less than 6 years until the youngest is officially an adult.

JohnofWessex · 14/09/2025 12:42

Can we please please use words not acronyms

Whats a BM & I dont know what a SK - Second Class Corridor Coach has to do with it?

Original poster

MangaMoo · 14/09/2025 12:40

SirBasil · 14/09/2025 12:32

nope. tbh in your shoes i wouldn't want anything to do with them at all. Any contact with their half-sibling to be supervised by your partner at all times, and they don't get presents or anything from you.

Carry on as you are, support your partner by listening to any venting etc, but you don't have to have any contact with them at all. They have not earned that privelege.

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They don’t have any contact with our baby at the moment as neither I nor DP feel that he would be exempt from all the issues that have been caused by BM. She will stir whatever pot she can to cause trouble for us

OP posts:

Dissappearedupmyownarse · 14/09/2025 12:39

MangaMoo · 14/09/2025 11:40

Posting on AIBU for traffic. Long one sorry.

Ok so trying to keep a long story short here but me and DP have a very complicated situation. He has DD13 and DD12 and I have DS7. We also have an “ours” DS who is 6 months old. His DD’s raised a malicious allegation about my DS7 which BM raised to SS and so we cannot risk the kids being around each other for safeguarding reasons. I need to protect my DS from further allegations and BM has made many false allegations about DP to police, SS etc and so this is a pattern and so we both want to protect the kids as much as possible. All of them. So DP stays at his parents house when he has his DD EOW and then takes them out one night each week. That was the best compromise we could do to ensure all have a relationship with DP but the kids do not mix. We were advised to do this by SS but also agree this is wisest. So many more complications but trying to keep a long story short.

However, my issue that I am struggling with coming to terms with this situation and my feelings about my SD’s.

Part of me wants a way we can go back to the mostly happy and very normal blended family situation that we used to have and were trying to build on. Part of me just wants to keep my kids safe. Part of me is very hurt by the nastiness from my SDs towards my DS as I heard them being very nasty and name calling when they were on the phone to my DP just after they made the allegations. Largely putting on a show for BM and their older siblings at her house I know, but still very hurtful to listen to.

I do try and support my DP as they are his DDs I know and so I send small gifts for them etc from time to time, suggest nice places for him to take them etc. But then sometimes I feel guilty and disloyal to my own son for doing so. And then I remind myself they are just kids too and massively influenced by a very toxic and bitter BM who also has MH struggles so it must be a very difficult situation for them too in many ways.

I don’t know what I want for this post except maybe thoughts on best ways to handle this situation and any suggestions to maybe come to terms with the mess that it is. It is not what I wanted at all but neither me nor DP would feel safe with all the kids being together even our baby as we both fully believe that due to BMs history it would only be a matter of time before he was dragged in to her circus too.

Any advice appreciated.
😢

Your own children come first EVERY SINGLE TIME. I cannot stress that enough.
You are with your DP for your benefit and nobody else's so when the shot hits the fan, your needs come last unfortunately when your a mum.
You remove all your children from this shitstorm and DO NOT involve them/put them at risk ever again.
Your poor son he's only 7 and having SG accusations thrown at him and SS involved. Do you have any idea what having SS involved does to a child's mental health and they WILL remember this when they grow up.
Cut all ties nows FFS

ButSheSaid · 14/09/2025 12:39

No man on earth is worth getting involved in this nightmare. The only reason to be in a relationship is for it to massively enhance your life in every way, and to make it easier and fun, that's the entire point.

Your boyfriend should live separately so he can actually parent his kids, every other weekend is not parenting.

Would you not rather be happy, and enjoying life?

incognitomouse · 14/09/2025 12:38

Protect your son OP. Keep them separate.

Original poster

MangaMoo · 14/09/2025 12:36

Endofyear · 14/09/2025 12:22

I think all you can do is carry on as you are. Let go of the fantasy of a happy blended family and accept that this is how it is. Don't get involved with SDDs and concentrate on your own two children. Let your partner organise his own time with his daughters and fully support him to spend time with them.

My only concern would be if the daughters relationship with their mother were to break down, as can often happen during teenager years, your partner would have to step up and look after them - this would mean that they either come and live with you as a family or that he would have to move out to provide them with a home with him. Would you be prepared to live separately if this was the case?

Yes you are right, I guess it was just a fantasy.

And yes, I have considered that option. No way could they come here so we would have to review according to their age but yeah it may have to be separate houses temporarily if needed. I hate that it is that way but that is what we have I guess. I know it but I struggle accepting it.

OP posts:

Monr0e · 14/09/2025 12:34

OP, I would continue to keep the dc's completely seperate and 100% focus on ds which it sounds like you are doing.

Personally, I would struggle to want to maintain any kind of relationship with the other children.

Im curious why ss have been involved for years with them though? You say it is due to their DM''s mental health but from my experience it is very unusual for children to be open to children's services indefinitely and certainly not for a parents mental health unless their are other significant concerns? These are your partners dc's, how involved with them is he if they have had ongoing involvement with social workers?