Page 2 | For struggling to accept this horrible situation with SK

MangaMoo · 2025-09-14T10:40:24+00:00

Posting on AIBU for traffic. Long one sorry. Ok so trying to keep a long story short here but me and DP have a very complicated situation. He has DD13 and DD12 and I have DS7. We also have an “ours” DS who is 6 months old. His DD’s raised a malicious allegation about my DS7 which BM raised to SS and so we cannot risk the kids being around each other for safeguarding reasons. I need to protect my DS from further allegations and BM has made many false allegations about DP to police, SS etc and so this is a pattern and so we both want to protect the kids as much as possible. All of them. So DP stays at his parents house when he has his DD EOW and then takes them out one night each week. That was the best compromise we could do to ensure all have a relationship with DP but the kids do not mix. We were advised to do this by SS but also agree this is wisest. So many more complications but trying to keep a long story short. However, my issue that I am struggling with coming to terms with this situation and my feelings about my SD’s. Part of me wants a way we can go back to the mostly happy and very normal blended family situation that we used to have and were trying to build on. Part of me just wants to keep my kids safe. Part of me is very hurt by the nastiness from my SDs towards my DS as I heard them being very nasty and name calling when they were on the phone to my DP just after they made the allegations. Largely putting on a show for BM and their older siblings at her house I know, but still very hurtful to listen to. I do try and support my DP as they are his DDs I know and so I send small gifts for them etc from time to time, suggest nice places for him to take them etc. But then sometimes I feel guilty and disloyal to my own son for doing so. And then I remind myself they are just kids too and massively influenced by a very toxic and bitter BM who also has MH struggles so it must be a very difficult situation for them too in many ways. I don’t know what I want for this post except maybe thoughts on best ways to handle this situation and any suggestions to maybe come to terms with the mess that it is. It is not what I wanted at all but neither me nor DP would feel safe with all the kids being together even our baby as we both fully believe that due to BMs history it would only be a matter of time before he was dragged in to her circus too. Any advice appreciated. 😢

Original poster

MangaMoo · 14/09/2025 16:58

SunriseOver · 14/09/2025 16:20

In five years the OP's son will be 13 - the age of the older girl now. These are all children and five years is a very long time to them.

Something is very much not right in the lives of these children - twelve and thirteen year olds only lie about sexual abuse if someone else is abusing them (at the very least by exposing them to things they shouldn't be seeing). As someone else said it's also possible that the seven year old has been exposed to abuse or abusive content and is therefore behaving inappropriately not because he's in any way bad but because children who have been abused sometimes behave in age inappropriate ways as a direct consequence.

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My son is very innocent and has had a very sheltered life. My SK’s however have not had the same unfortunately. Like I say, not my business to discuss but there is history in their past on maternal family side.

OP posts:

Original poster

MangaMoo · 14/09/2025 16:54

Thechaseison71 · 14/09/2025 15:48

Hmm if my 7 year old had smacked his teenaged sisters ( i had 2 teenage girls and a young boy) bum she would've just told him to not be so bloody silly. I really can't imagine that she would've considered this sexual abuse

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SD didn’t when she was at ours. She was fine about it all. Just a minor annoyance at the time. Then she went home to her mum and mum quizzes her and suddenly a SD report is made as they have an allocated SW and all sorts is alleged. Definitely led and influenced by mum and this is why I do feel sorry for SK to some degree. My main concern is my DC obviously but I do have a level of sympathy for SK as kids also caught in this mess.

OP posts:

SallySuperTrooper · 14/09/2025 16:31

CopperWhite · 14/09/2025 16:24

The OP has no control over the ex. She had control over her role in the current situation, as did her DH.

When the mother isn’t doing a good job, especially because of mental illness, the father needs to step up more, not be worrying about a new family instead.

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And he has attempted to, and has gone to court, but the dc have said they want to stay with their dm and joined in her lies.
The 'setting your self on fire to keep someone who is a vindictive liar warm, seems relevant here.

CopperWhite · 14/09/2025 16:24

SallySuperTrooper · 14/09/2025 16:21

@CopperWhite any of that judgement for op and the dh for the manipulative,lying ex?
Who's clearly not putting the dc first in her manipulative lies.
But oh yes she'll have #reasons.....

The OP has no control over the ex. She had control over her role in the current situation, as did her DH.

When the mother isn’t doing a good job, especially because of mental illness, the father needs to step up more, not be worrying about a new family instead.

SallySuperTrooper · 14/09/2025 16:21

@CopperWhite any of that judgement for op and the dh for the manipulative,lying ex?
Who's clearly not putting the dc first in her manipulative lies.
But oh yes she'll have #reasons.....

SunriseOver · 14/09/2025 16:20

Tkaequondo · 14/09/2025 15:06

This is going to sound harsh but because you're in the thick of this right now, remember that in 5 yrs the oldest DD will be an adult and in 6 yrs her sister.

Your and your DP will not have to engage with them then. They can go and make mischief on their own.

In five years the OP's son will be 13 - the age of the older girl now. These are all children and five years is a very long time to them.

Something is very much not right in the lives of these children - twelve and thirteen year olds only lie about sexual abuse if someone else is abusing them (at the very least by exposing them to things they shouldn't be seeing). As someone else said it's also possible that the seven year old has been exposed to abuse or abusive content and is therefore behaving inappropriately not because he's in any way bad but because children who have been abused sometimes behave in age inappropriate ways as a direct consequence.

CopperWhite · 14/09/2025 16:12

SallySuperTrooper · 14/09/2025 16:03

They needed their father to do what he had to do to keep their mother as stable as possible
these girls will grow up and wonder why their Dad did something that he could have predicted would make their mother’s mental health deteriorate, and knowing that would make their childhood even harder.
Really? So the mum foists all responsibility on to other people?
Her ex isn't allowed a life of his own?
Can you imagine if a poster came on writing about her mentally ill ex ruining her life and spreading lies..... would the response be...
'This is your fault.... you've caused his mental health to deteriorate, you've caused your children's lives to be harder'?

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It’s not about one parent ‘foisting responsibility’ on another or me trying to stop anyone from being happy or moving on, but if the reality is that it would have been better for all these children not to be forced into a blended family, then that is what should have happened.

People always say they want to put their children first, but they rarely mean it when putting children first means making a sacrifice.

Hankunamatata · 14/09/2025 16:05

Its best for everyone to carry on the way you are. Yes its rubbish that you lose a weekend with dp every two weeks but I think its the only way he can maintain a relationship with his daughters.

Since he has pr surely there's nothing stopping him taking them to family counselling on his weekend

Marieb19 · 14/09/2025 16:04

This is an awful situation but I think you are doing the right thing atm. I wish SS would take a more pragmatic and active role in these situations. You need to protect your children and they must be your no1 priority.
I would just like to say, I'm fed up with posts where dishonest, toxic or violent behaviour is written off as MH. Virtually all behaviours are a conscious choice driven by various personality traits and emotions. It shouldn't be excused as a MH, as the vile bevaviour of some nasty people then gets projected onto some lovely people with genuine MH issues

SallySuperTrooper · 14/09/2025 16:03

CopperWhite · 14/09/2025 15:52

You’re putting a lot of blame on the children’s mother, and while it doesn’t sound like she’s perfect, you and your DP have to accept your part in the instability his daughters are experiencing.

They didn’t need a step parent, or a step sibling or a half sibling. They needed their father to do what he had to do to keep their mother as stable as possible, but he chose to make a new family instead. It’s just as likely that these girls will grow up and wonder why their Dad did something that he could have predicted would make their mother’s mental health deteriorate, and knowing that would make their childhood even harder.

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They needed their father to do what he had to do to keep their mother as stable as possible
these girls will grow up and wonder why their Dad did something that he could have predicted would make their mother’s mental health deteriorate, and knowing that would make their childhood even harder.
Really? So the mum foists all responsibility on to other people?
Her ex isn't allowed a life of his own?
Can you imagine if a poster came on writing about her mentally ill ex ruining her life and spreading lies..... would the response be...
'This is your fault.... you've caused his mental health to deteriorate, you've caused your children's lives to be harder'?

AnxiousAnnieeeeeeeeee · 14/09/2025 15:57

MangaMoo · 14/09/2025 15:43

I have said. He smacked her bum when playing a game of tag. Kids do this. It was addressed and it was not with sexual intent

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Apologies I thought you said more was added. If this is all it was then, yes just a carry on and totally in line with age and stage of development.

I still stand by what I say in relation to how long you can keep this up. It will put enormous pressure on everyone over time

CopperWhite · 14/09/2025 15:52

MangaMoo · 14/09/2025 13:00

See this is what I hope for, that one day as adults they will see that they were loved and that we wanted more than what we were allowed to do.

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You’re putting a lot of blame on the children’s mother, and while it doesn’t sound like she’s perfect, you and your DP have to accept your part in the instability his daughters are experiencing.

They didn’t need a step parent, or a step sibling or a half sibling. They needed their father to do what he had to do to keep their mother as stable as possible, but he chose to make a new family instead. It’s just as likely that these girls will grow up and wonder why their Dad did something that he could have predicted would make their mother’s mental health deteriorate, and knowing that would make their childhood even harder.

Thechaseison71 · 14/09/2025 15:48

MangaMoo · 14/09/2025 15:43

I have said. He smacked her bum when playing a game of tag. Kids do this. It was addressed and it was not with sexual intent

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Hmm if my 7 year old had smacked his teenaged sisters ( i had 2 teenage girls and a young boy) bum she would've just told him to not be so bloody silly. I really can't imagine that she would've considered this sexual abuse

Original poster

MangaMoo · 14/09/2025 15:43

AnxiousAnnieeeeeeeeee · 14/09/2025 15:27

hi OP, what a horrible situation.

In relation to the allegation - you haven’t said what this is except for it being sexual. When a prepubescent child displays behaviours that you would not expect then there is usually a reason for this. So I assume SS asked you appropriate questions and that your child was spoken to? For example - questions in relation to appropriate supervision online.

Children do display sexual behaviours at times and this is usually linked to their own experiences, including what they have witnessed. I am not saying the allegation is true but just wanted to highlight this.

In relation to the ongoing situation - have you considered how this will work in the long term? Christmas? School holidays? As sad as it is, for me this wouldn’t be a situation I would be prepared to live with and I would end the relationship and focus on my children’s emotional and physical safety and wellbeing.

I have said. He smacked her bum when playing a game of tag. Kids do this. It was addressed and it was not with sexual intent

OP posts:

MaurineWayBack · 14/09/2025 15:41

Notagain75 · 14/09/2025 15:37

He is 7 years old, surely too young to be a sexual predator.
The girls are 12 and 13

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Also seeing the age gap, if anything, it’s the older children that are a risk to the younger one there…..

Not saying they are btw. But it just shows how ridiculous it is to accuse a 7yo to SA a 12yo. If they had all been 7~8yo, you could have had some argument. But not then

MaurineWayBack · 14/09/2025 15:39

@MangaMoo I just want to address a comment you made earlier - that you felt guilty fir not doing more for your stepdcs.

Its a lovely thought and shows you are about them too (rather than treating them as the vilains).
But please remember, you have no responsibility towards them. IF you were to split up tomorrow, you’d never see them again. They have two parents that are involved.
Your ds has you. And, as you’re not mentioning his dad, just you.

So please, dint feel guilty to not ‘be doing more’ for your stepchildren. You’re doing a lot already. More than you’re ‘required’ to do in those circumstances.

Concentrate on your two dcs.
Protect them. Fight for what is the best FOR THEM. Even if it’s not quite what’s the best fur your step DCs.
Because theres no one else to do it for them.p but you.

Notagain75 · 14/09/2025 15:37

Diarygirlqueen · 14/09/2025 11:47

Are you 100% certain that your son is innocent?

He is 7 years old, surely too young to be a sexual predator.
The girls are 12 and 13

ChangingWeight · 14/09/2025 15:31

I’m just going to give you tough love here @MangaMoo

Your partner may be saying/doing all the right things but his ex is irrational, and it seems their kids are irrational too. To the extent of what has occurred, quite serious allegations against your own child which will impact his life.

Your partner might be blindsided by this and might be supportive, but the truth is you don’t need to have any of this aggro in your life. She isn’t your ex, you don’t share children with her specifically - so if you get rid of your partner, you get rid of the source of the issues and you’re out of the storm.

Some people are just not worth having in your life when you balance out everything. They might be perfectly pleasant and the drama might not be their fault, but that doesn’t mean you have to tolerate the constant storms that come with being in a relationship with someone with heaps of drama.

it’s unfair sure, but being in a relationship doesn’t have to be this difficult and your life/your kids life shouldn’t be impacted in this way by your choice of partner having an unhinged ex.

AnxiousAnnieeeeeeeeee · 14/09/2025 15:27

hi OP, what a horrible situation.

In relation to the allegation - you haven’t said what this is except for it being sexual. When a prepubescent child displays behaviours that you would not expect then there is usually a reason for this. So I assume SS asked you appropriate questions and that your child was spoken to? For example - questions in relation to appropriate supervision online.

Children do display sexual behaviours at times and this is usually linked to their own experiences, including what they have witnessed. I am not saying the allegation is true but just wanted to highlight this.

In relation to the ongoing situation - have you considered how this will work in the long term? Christmas? School holidays? As sad as it is, for me this wouldn’t be a situation I would be prepared to live with and I would end the relationship and focus on my children’s emotional and physical safety and wellbeing.

VIOLETPUGH · 14/09/2025 15:23

The SD's are 12 and 13 and made disgusting allegations against an innocent 7yr old ,they knew what the were doing, and I would not be having anything to do with them at all.

BeGoldLemur · 14/09/2025 15:11

Horrible horrible situation for your son and you. Does your son know about the accusations?
I would be living apart from my partner if this happened. I wouldn’t want either of my kids being fucked up by this. What your partner does is his move. Protect your children first and foremost. Sorry for your predicament xx

Tkaequondo · 14/09/2025 15:06

This is going to sound harsh but because you're in the thick of this right now, remember that in 5 yrs the oldest DD will be an adult and in 6 yrs her sister.

Your and your DP will not have to engage with them then. They can go and make mischief on their own.

HaselahHaadom · 14/09/2025 15:04

MangaMoo · 14/09/2025 12:05

Thank you. This is exactly my point. The whole thing is ridiculous about a 7 year old child. He’s a baby. Not long out of infant school.

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I thinks it's not if a 7 y/o is "guilty". Of course they're not. But if a 7 y/o has acted in a sexualised way then the question arises of where did he learn it and to what has he been exposed.
Presumably if this has gone further, the ones who would be having to prove their innocence would be you and your dh, that you are not exposing your ds to sexual abuse of some sort.
I guess that's why ss have advised you keep the kids apart as this could be devastating.
Sorry for such a terrible situation

Original poster

MangaMoo · 14/09/2025 14:49

SandrenaIsMyBloodType · 14/09/2025 13:39

I honestly think that your current arrangements are best for all the children. You are removing your stepchildren from a situation in which they can be manipulated and pressured by their mother into telling lies that could haunt them as adults.
You are providing a consistent arrangement for the girls and few things could be more valuable to them now. And this arrangement is safe for your other children too.

I understand why it doesn’t feel good because it’s not what you want for your family. But it fulfills your most fundamental obligation as a parent which is to keep your children safe. And the situation you wish for is simply not one of your choices so going back to the basic parenting principle of protection is the best way forward for you all.

You sound immensely compassionate and level-headed in the face of very difficult circumstances and I think you should trust your instincts. Whether she is motivated by mental illness or just a poisonous personality, your DH’s ex wants to create drama and division and calmly refusing to let her is actually your best revenge. People like her hate to be dismissed.

Thank you. I appreciate that perspective that we are keeping all the children safe and therefore doing right by all. I think I worry like we aren’t as I wanted the family unit in my head and now we can’t have that.

OP posts:

Nevereatcardboard · 14/09/2025 14:45

@MangaMoo you need to detach yourself from this situation. Concentrate on having a happy relationship with your DP and your children. Unfortunately, the stepchildren can only ever have a completely separate relationship with their father which is away from you and your home. If I were you I would continue to keep things exactly as they are for the short and longer term.